As a stay-at-home mom I do not feel good enough for my husband

50 comments

1. What have you said to him when he says things like “It hurts my feelings that you didn’t wash my clothes today or have a meal cooked for me when I come home”?

2. Not sure what advice you are looking for? Your husband has convinced you that your role in life is to be his servant.

3. Ouch that’s hurtful and he needs to understand what he’s doing isn’t loving, respecting you and what you’re going through. Hell if you did hardly nothing all day that should be respected and understood and encouraged as well

4. What about this? Insist that on the next day he’s off, he will follow your schedule, work with you and observe what you do every day. He clearly has no idea how time consuming your days are.

   Is it within your budget to eventually hire a cleaning person, babysitter or mother’s helper a few times per week or month?

   Does his father take care of his share of household duties?

   You are good enough for your husband. He’s not stepping up to be good enough for you.

5. you arent a “stay at home mom” if you have a job that requires work and makes money.

   Also this guy expects a 1950s wife. very strange. yall are far too young for that dynamic. wtf is his deal

6. Oh this is not good. His behavior should be unacceptable. He’s being very manipulative. If my husband were to say that to me, I’d probably tell him where to shove those feelings.

7. Book a nice hotel room.

   Leave.

   Ask him what he did while you were gone.

   I wouldn’t want anyone who treated me like this to touch me either. Especially if they can’t practice basic self care like cooking a meal or washing their own clothing.

8. He sounds like an asshole but most guys are around that age. Especially when they have never experienced being the parent that stays home. My husband used to be like that. He was the breadwinner and I stayed home to watch our first child. Not because I wanted to but daycare was expensive and I didn’t trust anyone to watch our baby, especially as a new mom. He needs to realize that this is a new experience for the both of you and to have compassion. Being a new mom is already hard, especially with the emotions that comes with it. Cut yourself some slack! And be kind to yourself. These times don’t last forever and soon your baby will be old enough to be more independent and then off to school. Set your standards on how you want to be talked to.

9. Wow. Well it hurts my feelings that he hasn’t hired a maid to help you.

10. Just WOW

11. Stop trying to earn sufficiency through doing things for him and being the perfect wife that does everything right. You’ve put him on a pedestal and are looking for his approval to feel OK about yourself.

    It doesn’t work.

    He’ll just get more and more negative and critical, and you want to know why? It’s because it doesn’t actually feel good to put another down like that and be in the superior, judgemental, critical one-up position. It doesn’t make him happy or respect himself or you.

    So when he says

    >”It hurts my feelings that you didn’t wash my clothes today or have a meal cooked for me when I come home

    Don’t grovel and apologize. That’s on him that his feelings are hurt by your actions that have nothing to do with him.

    “You know, I’m happy with the level of domestic work and personal business I accomplished today. I’m comfortable with the decisions I made with my time today. Would you like to figure out dinner together? In the future please request when you want specific laundry done because I can’t read your mind. If you don’t like the way that I manage the laundry than I will gladly give you back responsibility for your own laundry.”

12. Your husband obviously has some very real issues going on personally. I recommend he talks to a therapist.

13. When I got to the part where you are responsible for the yard work I stopped reading. Ya, this is not sustainable, and completely ridiculous. Your “husband” is very near sighted, and sounds quite selfish. I think with one kid its generally reasonable to have the house relatively clean (aside from a few dishes, kids toys etc.), and dinner at least prepped. BUT you shouldn’t need to be bothered with the yard work unless you want to do that, and if so then you should be trading chores, say on the days you mow or work outside then he cooks dinner, or laundry or something. Get him in here, we’ll set him straight.

14. Your worth is not based on how many chores you can do in a day. I’m sorry your husband has convinced you that it is.

15. You’re being mentally abused.

16. Hey there, I’ve been a SAHM for longer than I haven’t and I’m here to tell you that your partner is manipulating you. I’m sorry that you’re in this position, and what an asshole ass thing to say after you’ve literally done it all, all day.

17. Noooo noooo nooooope. Sorry but this shit sticks in my side. I’m an almost 40 yo man from Mississippi and this shit wouldn’t even fly down there! My wife is a sahm and I work (we have small children and this dynamic just works for now as we have no family support for childcare and daycare just isn’t affordable where we live) I work 70+ hours a week outside pumping shut and still come home and help with the goings on. If he really expects this out of you tell him he needs to step up his work game and make it to where your wants and needs are met 100% financially. If he can’t give you everything in life to where the only thing you need to do is raise kids and take care of the house then he can miss you with the Donna Reed bull shit.

18. His “feelings are hurt” is he for real?

19. ‘It makes me angry that you don’t realize what I do all day or think that I do nothing all day.’

    Also, stop doing anything for him. It’s not about him, you’re staying at home and working from home and for the home for the home and the family. Don’t let this asshole gaslight you into believing you’re not doing enough, it’s a control mechanism.

20. Ew, no.

    Either dpnt do what you usually do for a couple of days so he can watch it pile up, or write down literally everything you do for a day.

    Or tell him to grow the fuck up and stop acting like you aren’t a whole person. Do not let him take you away from yourself. If you need to edit in the evenings, do that. He will live. Also, there is not one mention of your pers9nal time for hobbies and self care. Where is that??

21. Wow. Just wow. Stop doing anything outside of taking care of your child and your work. You have two jobs; you are a mom and a photographer, not a bang maid. He needs to pull his share of the household chores or pay someone to help around the home that you both share. His feelings can be hurt all he wants but his expectations are unrealistic. I let my husband get a away with making me the everything household and kids person and now that I’m working again, I still have to tell him when to do his laundry and all the other things that keeps a household running. Don’t let him dip out on his responsibilities in the home or you’ll be training on how to help in the home and take on his portion of the mental load when he expects you to pull financial share in the home (and he will because he doesn’t see what you currently do as contributing).

22. So you have two full-time jobs.

    Photographer and SAHM. Based on everything you’ve shared, your husband doesn’t appreciate you or everything you do for him.

    Maybe have a long discussion about your feelings and your contributions. You guys might be able to get to the bottom of why he doesn’t think you do anything around the house.

    Do you have a support system? Friends and Fam.
    Maybe take a small getaway alone or with friends. It may help reset yourself and also let hubby see how difficult it is to take care of the household.

23. If you’re feeling worn out from doing these things at your age, it probably means it really is not sustainable. You’re a professional photog and not fully a SAHM, so the both of you should have a share in the housework.

24. List the tasks, video it. He’s an asshole btw, you will both be resentful. You are a gem and a better man would see that. I would be so relieved to have someone managing the home so I didn’t have to. Before I went back to work I breastfed 6 hours a day (over the course of 24 hours) slept when I could , was job searching, stressed and tired. I’m very glad I spent the time holding my babies who are now teenagers, none of that picture perfect stuff. You don’t get those moments back, it may have saved my life. I was unemployed at the time (laid off during recessions when I told them I was pregnant) and still made more money than him at the time, when my EX asked that question. I regret nothing.

25. You do not exist just to take care of your husband and his expectations. If you work as well, and he wants something done, what’s stopping him from doing it? Oh it hurts his feelings? Well what about yours? You’re exhausted and he’s worried about his dick and the floors. To hell with him and his expectations.

26. You should take some time off from catering to his every need and make him pick up some slack. This is ridiculous.

27. You’re not married to a man, you’re married to a boy. He is shaming you to bring down your self esteem, so that you’ll be his willing slave forever. It sounds to me like you swallowed the “redpill” of how relationships are supposed to be, and you’re realizing it’s a bitter pill that gets stuck in your throat on the way down, and no amount of housework will ever make it go down easy. He is not so subtly trying to get you to lose your photography business, that way he’ll know you’re fully trapped into 24/7 serfdom. He will come home and relax, his job has a definite “end time,” but you will be working constantly unless you’re asleep until you leave him or you die. It’s up to you which choice you make.

28. It sounds like he doesn’t value you as a whole and complete human being. He values what you can do for him. This perspective is fundamentally incompatible with a healthy, equitable marriage.

    I wouldn’t want someone who treats me like a service instead of a person to touch me either.

    Just some points for thought:

    Does he dislike when you do your editing in the afternoons because he doesn’t like to see that you feel stressed or rushed? Or is it because you are working on an independent project that he doesn’t control? Possibly because when you’re editing, you’re not available to service his needs?

    Does he do anything at all to participate in the raising of his child? Anything other than cooing at them only in those moments he feels like it?

    Does he punish you when you don’t meet his wants or when he claims you have upset him? This might be through the silent treatment, taking away items or privileges, isolating you from others, or revoking what little support he does offer?

    Does he ever appreciate all the things you do to make his life easier? Or does he just complain when you haven’t cleaned up after him as thoroughly as he likes?

    If you ask him why he loves you, are his reasons superficial and/or self-focused? An example would be things like you’re beautiful and you take care of him so well. Value-based reasons might be things like how funny, smart, or capable you are.

29. Dear married, you’re a beautiful person and you work very hard.
    We been married 47 years, my wife stayed home for 16 years after our child was borne.
    This beautiful lady took care of the child, kept the house immaculate and warm food on the table with the exception of the times I invited her out to lunch/dinner. Then, one day, the child did not need mom anymore and she stepped out and went to work. For all of those years she made sweet love to me and to this day, she remains my real life fantasy.
    It is not ok to treat a wife as you are being addressed, it is never ok to address our wives as unimportant. Moms are the essence of our country’s stability by teaching our children.
    Love conquers all, and your sweetheart would benefit enormously by addressing you properly.
    Finding out what is causing his failures would be beneficial and perhaps some couple therapy would be good to re-teach and most definitely Re-ignite the spark the flame… there will be much benefit to both.
    The few times I woke up at the hospital or been sick, it has been this awesome wife that has seen me through… so, find out what the issues are and correct them…. Guarantee you that her grass on her side of the fence has always been the greenest and sweetest…. Give a try, you will be surprised how great a married woman is, if you don’t, there’s always some guy around that loves married woman… is that what you want?

30. 21 years old. Already has a baby. How old were you when you started dating?

    Sorry, sweetie. You got the bad end of the deal. He hooked you in while you were too young an naive to know any better.

    You’ll be miserable for the rest of your life unless you stop being his servant and start demanding to be treated like an equal partner. And if he “won’t stand for that” then you need to decide if you think you deserve to be treated like his slave or if you deserve a better life.

31. People don’t understand how exhausting and hard it is to be a stay at home mom. I work primarily because it’s easier for me to sit at a computer all day and then split the parenting, cleaning, and cooking duties with my husband.

    Maybe try documenting what you do in a day for an entire week. Block off the time it took you to do each task. My therapist had me do this in the past to find out where I was spending the most of my time, but I think it would help illustrate it to your husband as well.

32. What does HE do to help around the house?

33. Don’t be a SAHM.

34. People treat you how you allow them to OP. As a husband and father I can tell you that no man she treat his wife like this. He is your partner you aren’t a maid. You are young and if you feel like this now and don’t change course it won’t get better.

35. Dang sis you got married way too young and now you are kinda stuck. You should be making massive amounts of money and working on your career in your 20s, not caring for a man child and his sperm donations.

36. “Everyday is a repeating pattern and I’m exhausted because I can’t keep up with it anymore I don’t feel good enough because I’m not able to get enough done. Everything is piling up on me and I’m tired.”

    Can you say this to him–would he listen? he’s manipulating you with that hurt feelings talk. i’d also look at the dynamics in which he was raised—-if his mom is the servant, well, its time to open your eyes. this is what he expects. you can either stop this cycle with him, leave him, or continue to behave the way he wants and burn yourself out even more. honestly i cannot believe he expects you to do the yardwork. and the floors every day?!?! not sustainable.

37. My husband stays home with our baby while I work. It looks like a tornado went through there when I get home every day.

    Your husband is an abusive ass.

38. A SAHM with a paying job is called a single mom. If your spouse contributes financially but you’re still doing the work as a single parent, then that’s just child support. I hope you work out a custody agreement where you get some upcoming weekends to yourself.

39. Your husband sounds horrible. First red flag…you losing weight for your husband?! Wtf
    🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩

40. OP, you’ve fallen into ‘SuperWife’ syndrome. How has this come about – did you set this standard for yourself? Did your husband pressure or influence you to this impossible, Stepford Wife ideal?

    Suggest deep thinking and research, before you whack him with a frying pan when he snipes about some imperfection.

    This is all wrong.

41. Repeat after me: you are not his mama. This guy needs to grow up.

42. Couples therapy, and individual therepy ASAP. This is unfair as all get up.

43. I’m seeing so, so many posts in here lately of YOUNG women married with kids far, far too early that are being emotionally abused. Ladies, please love yourselves.

44. Your husband sounds like my dad. My mother was a SAHM, and worked part-time too. She was on 24/7, no breaks, did absolutely everything at home. My dad did his 9-5 and considered paying bills his sole responsibility to the household and family.

    No parenting, no cooking, no cleaning, no laundry, absolutely nothing. He watched TV in the evenings because he was “tired from work”. He played golf and went to the pub at weekends, while my mother continued to exhaust herself doing everything at home. 24/7.

    As far as I was always concerned, my mother was a superhero. She passed last year, and I would have literally given my life for hers. My dad – I don’t even call him much. Especially not since he tried to assign all of her “duties” to me. I don’t even live there. He just couldn’t fathom not having some female do it all for him.

    I don’t see him as the big, strong breadwinner, man of the house he thought he was. I see him as weak, lazy, selfish. Thinking only of himself while his superhero of a wife was actually the one worth respecting. Show your husband this comment. You are worth far more than this treatment. My mother was worth far more than this treatment. Your husband is the one who is not good enough for you.

45. Who is watching the baby during all of this

46. I am having a hard time believing that you actually think this is acceptable. You literally are a slave.

47. Because you’re a SAHM, I’m going to repeat the advice I always give.

    Does your marriage make BOTH lives happier, healthier and easier? Do you feel your husband makes your life happier, healthier and easier? Do feel you and your husband have trust, equality, respect, similar goals and values? Does your husband equally value your opinions? How does your husband improve YOUR life? How does he share life’s burdens?

    Also, I would strongly recommend you don’t think of being a SAHM as homemaking. It is to an extent, but most women who associate homemaking with SAHMs become burnt out. They take on too much and become overworked, overwhelmed and miserable.

    My husband and I define my “duties” as a SAHM as if I am a full-time nanny to the kids when he’s at work. What would you expect a nanny to accomplish in the day with your children? If I was a full-time nanny out of the house, what responsibilities would my husband and I equally share when we both returned home from work? My day is basically about the children. Feeding them, clothing them, educating them, doing adventures with them. Sure we bake something fun for dad, or I throw in a load of laundry or I obviously do the day dishes. All that is normal. But you shouldn’t be expected to carry all the childcare, housework and emotional labor.

    When my husband gets home, we split everything. I cook dinner, and we eat as a family. Then one parent does the bedtime, bathtime routine and the other parent does end of day chores. (Sweeping, taking out trash, dishes, wiping down counters, etc.) On my husband’s day off, he will entertain the children while I clean the house or vice versa. Really depends. But it’s important my husband has alone time with the children and equally cares for them, and the bonus is I get stuff done in peace. Does your husband know how to properly care for the baby by himself?

    Emotional labor is tricky because it’s mostly during work hours, so I obviously do more. But my husband still does a lot. He schedules things around his days off so car maintenance, doctors visits, insurance stuff is all done more equally, or with two parents. Does your husband carry the emotional labor burden equally?

    Do you guys have a fair split of housework, childcare and emotional labor? Do you have equal say in finances, purchases and the life you are building with him?

    As a SAHM, I very strongly urge SAHMs to have the following. Being a SAHM is such a vulnerable position, you need financial, emotional and physical stability. Doing all the childcare can put you at a financial disadvantage for life. Your spouse is able to advance his career faster because you’re busy with the children, so you need more protections in case the worst happens, divorce or death.

    You should have access to all (or almost all, see below) money in a joint bank account. You should be able to freely spend money on yourself, your baby and the household (within reason). You and your spouse should each have similar amounts of “hobby money”. If he spends $100 on “music”, you get $100 for your “art”. You should feel certain you can jointly decide how money is spent and your spouse will listen to your thoughts and advice.

    You also should have six months worth of bills saved in a bank account that your spouse cannot access. This is your emergency fund. Meaning only your name is on the account. If your spouse left you tomorrow, how would you afford food and rent while trying to get back on your feet and find a job? If he died tomorrow, how would you be able to support? A separate account is a good idea, even to just not be waiting for the estate to settle in the unfortunate event of death. You have YOUR MONEY to stay afloat, not something tied up in probate.

    Do you have a substantial, maxed out life insurance policy on your spouse and yourself if either of you were to pass away? Life insurance is incredibly important as a SAHM. It will pay for bills if your husband suddenly passed away. It would pay for the daycare your husband would now need if you passed away.

    Do you have career training and a career you could return to after your baby enters school? How could you financially support yourself if needed tomorrow? Re-entering the workforce can be difficult especially without a vocational education. You deserve to have an ability to support yourself if something were to happen to your spouse or your relationship. You deserve a safety net for yourself and your children.

    Do you have a retirement account? If you’re a SAHM, has your spouse opened a retirement account in YOUR name? By working, he probably automatically has retirement accounts, but you should have some for yourself as well. Once again, even having some retirement money in an account with only your name can help with probate issues if your husband dies after retirement.

    Finally, do you have family and friends support? Could your family financially, physically, mentally and emotionally support you if anything went south in your relationship? Could you live with them and have help caring for your child while you readjust? Being a SAHM does make you vulnerable. Every SAHM should have an idea of how they would safely exit a relationship if it is unhealthy.

48. You’re not a SAHM, you have a job! You’re a photographer and you’re burdened with all the household tasks.

    He clearly doesn’t value your contribution. There are a couple of things you can try, like “bring your husband to work day” where you get him to complete your daily to-do list on one of his days off. Or you could try going on strike and doing nothing that isn’t 100% necessary for the safety of your baby. Or you could work out how much it would cost to hire a maid and a nanny to actually do your job and show him how much that would cost.

    But unfortunately, if he doesn’t want to see the value in what you do, he will choose not to no matter how much you show or tell him. Some men have a stubborn patriarchal blindspot about the value of domestic labour; they get angry or hurt when it’s not done, but fail to notice it when it is done.

    If he stubbornly refuses to value you after you give him every chance to, you have a choice between leaving him and staying with someone who doesn’t value you. If I were you, I wouldn’t put up with that it.

49. Your husband works his job which has a beginning and an end. Sounds like your job never stops. That is not fair. Stop doing all that you are doing and maybe he will start to appreciate what you actually do!

50. You sound like his housekeeper or maid rather than his wife. Don’t forget that your role in this partnership is only to have an equally fulfilling marriage/ relationship and not for you to be there to please him or just to meet his needs