My partner (32m) and I (31m) have been together for…some years now, and generally we have a very happy life together. We’re pretty good about big decisions: lifestyle, finances, experiences… Our sex life is fine, if fairly unimaginative. And that works really well for him.
Before we met, I was active in the kink scene (switch leaning sub). He doesn’t know any of that. Worse, I’m beginning to miss it.
Some people have said, *”Just tell him, and maybe he’ll engage for your sake, some of the time.”* … Normally I think that’s sage advice, I’m not necessarily one of those *I-can’t-enjoy-it-unless-my-partner-enjoys-it* types. **Except,** within the past couple months he’s actively disparaged and shown disgust for the kinds of interests/activities in which I used to engage. It really hurt…and he doesn’t even know it. (for the record, those interests run from common to niche, but none is illegal).
So:
* Asking him to engage is out
* A no-rules open relationship is out…we discussed that once before (although not in a kink context), and the conversation didn’t go well at all
* I’m not willing to end this relationship
I’d really like to revisit the idea of a relationship that’s *just* open enough to explore these things, but I have no idea how to begin this conversation…and maybe there are better options. I was wondering what wisdom you might share.
Help?
2 comments
The “actively disparaged and shown disgust for…” should have been a red flag, but I don’t know how early it came up in your relationship.
As I see it, you’ve got a few options:
1. Accept that that stuff is in your past, and is hence forth “only fantasy”.
2. Talk to him about these things and state clearly that *you used to do them and enjoy them*. And see if there is some ground that you two can meet on that doesn’t trigger his disgust. Then work from there.
3. Work around the edges of what he has specifically disparaged and try to bring him along incrementally.
You have to decide how badly scratching that itch matters to you.
Honestly. Not exploring an open relationship or exploring others shouldnt be a deal breaker. But if you have thoughts or there are things that would excite you more he isnt open to discussing, then in the long run it will more than likely wont work.
Although sex is not necessarily the most important aspect in a test of time relationship, openess to new things in general is. If you have a personality in general that like to explore and try new things where as he doesnt, it could eventuality bleed into other aspects of your relationship.
Im not saying just dump the guy. But dont just quell desires because you feel your partner will immediately shut them down. Pleasuring a woman, either by general day to day interactions to intimacy, is one if not the most enjoyable things a man can do. In the end its give and take to make it work and sexual compatibility is every bit as important as overall compatibility.
I would bring your desires up moderately in general regardless in how he responds. Test one here and there during. If all of it ends up being a no go, then the tough decision to move on might be an option. He can be a great guy. But there are more than can do it all. Settling for the relationship in any aspect doesn’t do him any good either and could prevent him from finding someone more compatible as well.
Just my opinion. You will figure and do whats best for you two. Best of luck.