I apologise, this is super long. There’s a TLDR at the end.
I (38f), own my own home, work a wfh job with a high salary that I’ve worked up to in the 10+ years I’ve followed this particular career path. I don’t love my job, I never have. I work to save money so I can buy some acreage and get out of it all. My partner and I share that goal.
My partner (33m) of 3yrs has minimal assets, has had a string of entry level jobs rather than a career. While I’ve always been quite academic, he prefers to work with his hands. He moved in with me during the first lockdown in 2020, then decided to start his own woodworking business. I was happy to cover all our bills during this time, because the business offered an opportunity for more growth and flexibility than another entry level job. It became apparent during this time that, while he is a skilled craftsperson, he is not equipped to run the crafting side of things AND push growth of the business.
I helped as much as I could whilst still working my fulltime job. I have been a constant sounding board, I’ve sat for hours and worked out business plans with him, prioritised activities, set up social media accounts for the business and maintained them, and researched sales channels. I’ve also paid all the house bills, given up the garage for him to use as a workshop (I have motorbikes now sitting out rusting on the driveway), provided cash injections when he had no money, paid rego for vehicles when he couldn’t afford to. Business plans remain largely ignored, advice isn’t followed, and I become counselor as well as business advisor when the business doesn’t succeed.
There’s a repetitive cycle – he expresses frustration, we sit down and work out a plan to address whatever isn’t working. He is enthusiastic about the plan and filled with fresh motivation. The plan isn’t followed, the business continues not to succeed, he gets depressed and demotivated, I play counsellor. It’s a lot, particularly since the demotivation manifests in him sitting on the front porch staring at his phone while I sit in the back bedroom working so we can pay the mortgage and eat.
In the beginning I really empathised with the struggle. I still do to a certain extent. Failing sucks, it strips your confidence. Failing repeatedly is even worse. I’ve seen his confidence, fitness and social time dwindle, there’s definitely some depression going on too.
A few months ago he stopped working on the business. There was talk of getting a job, which I supported. Having some regular income would allow him to regain a feeling of control over his life, and give him the opportunity to do things that are important to him, which will help with the depression and lack of confidence. From a selfish perspective, it will alleviate some of the resentment that has built up over 2+ years of feeling like I’m working so he can sit and stare at his phone an awful lot.
Like everything, plans discussed haven’t materialised. He had a job offer from a friend, but the friend hasn’t been able to provide a start date for over a month now. My partner asked me to help him update his resume 2 weeks ago. When I asked where the file was he said it was on a computer somewhere, but didn’t make any effort to find it. He was going to start applying for jobs last Monday, but that hasn’t happened.
To add to this, I have paid him to complete some work around the house to save me paying a tradesperson and to alleviate some of the financial pressure until he gets a job. He’s done some great work, but struggles to complete jobs, which frustrates me because he’s asked me to give them cash in advance to pay this bill or that bill, then the cash runs out so he stops working on the job and starts doing jobs for other people for quick cash.
On my side, I’ve started to emotionally withdraw because I feel like it’s just assumed that I’ll keep us afloat. There have been many, many conversations where I’ve sensitively expressed my thoughts and feelings and asked for change. My partner expresses guilt that I’m in this situation, but nothing changes. I know he’s not meaning to take me for a ride, but it is starting to feel that way with every day that passes that he is not working on their business or looking for a job. I’m holding most of this inside because I don’t want to further strip his confidence or add to the depression. I’m still trying to be supportive, but it’s getting really hard.
I want to make it clear – I don’t expect my partner to ever equal my income. I work in a bit of a niche area and get paid really well for what I do. I also had a more privileged upbringing – education, academia and a “good job” were priorities, and my folks worked really hard for pretty good money. On the flipside, he struggled with school, got bullied, never finished, and his family was never wealthy. I acknowledge that I started from a place of privilege, and have had 10+ years in my field as well as a few degrees. What I do expect however is that he will financially contribute to our household in some capacity. Based on his income as a percentage of mine before he quit his job, his percentage of bills is about $100/wk, while I pay the rest. I don’t think this is unreasonable. For me it’s not about the amount but the principle – you’re an adult, you’re responsible for your own upkeep. If he lived anywhere else they’d be paying full rent, groceries etc. I think he has become overly comfortable with me paying for everything, because I can afford it. But I don’t think I should be doing all this myself when there’s a perfectly capable human being sharing our home.
I’m at an impasse – I’m getting to the point where I’m likely to blow up and get brutally honest, because I’m tired of going through this cycle. I don’t want to hurt him or cause him to spiral, so I’m constantly walking on eggshells thinking all of these things but trying to express them appropriately and compassionately. I don’t want to end the relationship, I just want him to shoulder some of the burden.
Any advice would be appreciated about how to move forward without ending the relationship, and without saying something I can’t take back.
TLDR: I took on the bills while my partner tried to start a business. Business failed, they haven’t gotten a job yet, and I am tired of supporting us both.
6 comments
Why does he get to have all the emotional support? Why does he get all this sensitivity and understanding and thought and planning and money and time and consideration while you get none of that? NONE. Not even the free parts. Whether he means to take advantage or not (debatable, since you’ve talked about it and he’s expressed guilt) he’s choosing to continue doing it.
You’re an enabler, and he’s a taker. And it will never, ever be enough. He will keep sucking until every kindness in you is gone, until your feelings are equivalent to the sound at the end of a milkshake. And when you finally can’t be *quite* as sensitive, and you lay down a firm boundary like “get a job by x date and start saving money.” or “complete the jobs I’ve paid you for before doing other jobs.” he will accuse you of terrible cruelty. “You know I can’t function” he’ll wail, “that’s why you’ve been taking care of me, it’s mean to make me take care of myself now when you’ve been doing it all this time.”
I think it’s time for the brutally honest option. Try not to blow up at him and just convey the information concisely as you have above. If he can’t handle the truth that’s on him.
He’s got you over a barrel and he is living LARGE because your life involves focusing on him and his world whether it’s helping him or walking on eggshells, your world is defined by his actions or lack of action.
Please tell me, does he keep the house sparkling? Meal plan, prep and cook? Does he scrub toilets? Mow the lawn, grocery shop? Does he wash, fold, and put laundry away? Take care of the cars? Does he care for you? Treasure you? Make you feel valued in the way he listens and reacts to you? It sounds like you’ve done and given everything to him and the imbalance is painful.
You seem so tender towards him, you have a kind heart and he has taken terrible advantage of it. I hope you will have clarity and see how he has manipulated this situation. He will react terribly to whatever you say, because what he truly wants is to have no accountability.
I was in this situation with my ex. It’s the reason why he’s my ex. I too was tired of the cycle. Ultimately I just stopped respecting a man who was totally cool with me shouldering 100% of the burden of our survival all the time… especially when he started guilt-tripping me about being “money hungry” because I had the audacity to ask him to get a regular job after a decade of him following his artistic aspirations.
He likes to work with his hands? GREAT! The job market has literally never been better, and plenty of trades will hire him as an apprentice and provide on-the-job training if he has even a basic understanding of algebra 2. It can be a solid career path to a six figure income. If this is not something he’s willing to consider when the options are so vast and so lucrative for those willing to do the work? Then it’s a MAJOR problem. Any dude who pulls the whole “I’m going to be an entrepreneur because I can’t work for the man” but then stops doing it the moment it gets hard (or won’t do it without a woman spoon-feeding him the next steps) is not an entrepreneur, nor is he being a good partner.
You’re right — you shouldn’t be doing all this yourself when there’s a perfectly capable human being sharing your home. I was you. I can tell you from experience that what you’re trying to shore up is unsustainable. As another commenter said, you’re enabling him at this point, not helping. FWIW, maybe your man needs to be evaluated for ADD, as that may explain some of his inability to follow through. But that doesn’t absolve him of the obligation to start contributing to your partnership.
Is there a condensed version available?
I’ve been in the utter grips of heroin addiction and still refused to take advantage of people anywhere near this extent. I will admit I am especially salty because I am seeing traits in your partner I don’t like about myself (like, saying for the millionth time that I will take steps to improve my life, but just then just continuing to sleep and mindlessly phone my life away because change is scary.)
Learned helplessness is unfortunate, but, if a person continually refuses to engage with life and endlessly foist those burdens onto other people, it’s still *their* failing. People like us (your partner and me) are actually made worse by hyper-competent partners, because nothing we could possibly accomplish will ever stack up, so, why bother? Well, once your partner has voiced their distress at being over-relied on, it’s still a choice to ignore them, and the consequences are all too often an inexorably broken relationship where the dependent person actually does much better because they finally have agency again, i.e. “it’s sink or swim time.”
It’s an unfortunate relationship death spiral that few pull out from. You will never feel appreciated in this relationship because you are not a partner, you were forced into the role of ill-equipped caretaker, and he will most likely never feel any urgency to improve until things are obviously too far gone and will only ever try in a last ditch effort to maintain his comfort zone, not because he actually is concerned enough about his negative impact on you. I’m sure he feels bad about being a burden, but he ultimately cares a lot more about only doing things he wants to do. He wants to do “big things” when it’s exciting, but lacks the drive to follow through and not take the easier, twistedly comfortable “languishing in existential dread” path.
If you have the economic ability to get him into intensive therapy or other resources (CBT, medication after an appropriate evaluation period, job placement assistance) try to get him into it, but I bet he will not want to try and have a ton of excuses. He is comfortable in his misery and that is the main problem. He just has no emotional bandwidth to care about holding up his end up of the relationship. You are not a therapy program for men, you are dating a person who has shown himself to be an inadequate partner. He may be “likable” and have “upsides” but I’m sure they are far overshadowed by his utter inertness and willingness to let other people take care of everything.
You don’t need an ultimatum (they never work) you need a boundary: that you will not continue to try for a person who refuses to help themselves in any appreciable way because you deserve better.