**TL;DR Girl insisted on asking me about my “body count” or whatever and told me hers, so I told her mine. It is very high, especially relative to hers. She then got very sad & cried. I tried to make her feel better. The next morning all seemed well then she blocked me out of nowhere, not even a single message. I feel upset and miss her. Not sure what to do and looking for outside perspective (ie. is she in the right, am I wrong, is she crazy or me, etc.).**
We’ve been together about a month, great relationship overall so far. She has been a bit emotionally dramatic, but it was only ever subtle, no problem really.
Yesterday she asked how many girls I had been with. I tried to skirt the conversation, but she insisted on it and I felt safe & secure with her so decided to just say it.
First she told me she’s been with 4 guys, maybe 5. When she asked me how many I’ve been with, I just said “a lot.” She said “more than 10?” And I went, “yeah something like that, more than 10.” But in our local language saying “more than 10” implies 10-20, and I felt kinda bad at being misleading, so after a moment I just said the actual number, which has never failed to shock anyone.
She was laughing at first, and shocked like “WOW.” Especially because I lost my virginity later than most at age 19 or 20. I laughed a bit too.
This whole conversation took place in bed naked cuddling by the way, after a great second round of sex. So I thought all was good and cuddled her, said some sweet things to show I was falling for her, but then she started crying and sobbing.
She didn’t provide any clear reason why she was crying/sobbing. I was confused but tried to be supportive, holding her and assuring her that I really liked HER and wanted to be with HER.
She asked me if I had been with anyone since the first time we fucked, and I said honestly “yes.” That I had hooked up with another person or two after we had hooked up.
NOTE THAT we were NOT boyfriend/girlfriend, we only in the last week or two had that title. Also, in the first week or two, she had told me she wasn’t looking for anything serious, so in my mind there is no issue.
But now it seems that we’ve fallen for each other. Second to last time we met she said she loves me (while drunk, but clearly speaking from the Heart), and I’m feeling the same I am falling for her especially in this last week or two.
So after she cried a bit, and calmed down, I went downstairs to eat, she stayed in my bed. I went back upstairs, cuddled her, she was warm & receptive, though clearly a bit sad, and then we fell asleep, holding each other.
This morning she hugged me tight, kissed me, then left off to work. I fell back asleep. When I woke up, I found myself blocked on her social media. I am completely shocked and a bit heartbroken. I am completely dumbfounded. She didn’t even send a break-up text or leave a note.
She did forget to block me on one messaging platform, but I haven’t texted her yet, mainly because I’m just in shock/sad.
So I am looking for outside perspective on this situation because I am falling her and now in a slightly emotionally distressed state. I have some photos/videos we took together I promised to send her, and she also left a few non-important items at my house (ie. toothbrush, hair-pins, etc.), and even left a couple sex toys at my house; leaving all those items as if she is coming back makes me even more confused.
I’m not sure if she blocked me because she wants to break up or is being overly emotional, or if she is right to break up with me due to my sexual history… But I’ve been completely honest with her, even when I’ve had the opportunity to be a bit mis-leading (ie. say “a lot” and let her think what the # is) but decided that our relationship should be based on truth without a single lie.
I really like this girl, and we have bedroom compatibility better than anyone else. And I’m falling for her. And she is great to travel with, talk with, etc. Is it worth chasing after her a bit? Maybe she is pulling back because she is afraid I won’t really stay, and just cheat? Or is she being crazy/emotional/dramatic and I best move on? I am sad now, and looking for external thoughts. Thank you.
13 comments
I always lie and say something like 3-4 and make clear it is a question that should not be asked.
Body count is such a potential for shaming that imo it’s not worth revealing it.
I don’t think people should ask questions they might not be able to answer the answers to. She’s punishing you for honesty, even if it’s because she can’t handle the answers not as a vengeful thing to hurt you. It’s possible it’s just intimidating and a blow to her ego, to realize you’ve gone on so many sexual adventures.
Maybe she’ll regroup and find her courage and initiate repairs… but maybe not.
>When I woke up, I found myself blocked on her social media.
Oh. Probably not then. If I had to guess, she asked her friends to tell her what to think, and they said “Damn gurl you need to purge that negative influence from your life.”
So she’s probably not coming back. Which sucks, but if she’s the kind of person to ghost/block someone for being honest and liking sex, were you ever really that compatible? I’m strongly hinting the answer is no and she actually did you a favor by revealing these traits so confidently.
You should move on. You’ll find someone as good as her and better, with deeper roots that don’t blow over by knowing real facts. Heck maybe you’ll even find a woman with a body count similar to yours who likes sex as much as you do and sees it as a positive, not something to cry about.
>we have bedroom compatibility better than anyone else. And I’m falling for her. And she is great to travel with, talk with, etc.
An interesting rule of thumb I heard is, when you find someone who has good qualities that set the bar but doesn’t work out, the next time you find someone who tops that bar, they’re the keeper.
She sounds quite emotional. You might leave it alone for now. See if she comes back around. She’s mixed up and doesn’t know how to deal with her emotions after finding out how experienced you are.
If she sways back and forth emotionally she may unblock as fast as she blocked. I would wait and see if she comes back around. I know it hurts for now but after only a month together it’s good you find out if this is a good fit or not. She may not be able to handle simple things emotionally and could weight you down with this. I would wait and see where this goes. If it’s over you might be better off that way.
To be honest, the body count I think is just a smokescreen as to why she blocked you.
You wrote:
“She asked me if I had been with anyone since the first time we fucked, and I said honestly “yes.” That I had hooked up with another person or two after we had hooked up.
NOTE THAT we were NOT boyfriend/girlfriend, we only in the last week or two had that title. Also, in the first week or two, she had told me she wasn’t looking for anything serious, so in my mind there is no issue.”
You only have to read the comments to see “I always lie”, so my rule of thumb is this:
If someone is just looking for sex, they won’t be asking you any questions about body counts or anything else like that as it won’t matter to them, they know they are simply one of the numbers in it.
The moment anyone of any gender asks about numbers or anything personal, they are thinking of more than just sex, and my reply to that would be: “Body count numbers don’t matter if we just FWB or sex buddies, so are you actually looking for more than that?”
It makes them decide just what they want instead of skating around the bush.
Also, you should never lie, being honest is the best way of filtering out the people who are just not compatible with you, so well done you for being honest.
As for body count numbers themselves, doesn’t matter if someone is still a virgin or slept with 1000 people, all that mattes is the here and now with the person you / they are with, if people can’t handle that then they best stayed away from.
Obviously the above is just my own personal views, so they are no more right or wrong than anyone else’s.
Have a great day.
Dude, you have to tell us your number and what’s your local language? I’ve slept with 11 and am 31 and a high body count wouldn’t put me off but I might think they’re not interested in settling down with one woman. Sounds like she had a kneejerk emotional response which is a shame as things were going good. I asked the guy I’m seeing now how high his was and he said 30 odd, didn’t bother me at all.
I’ve been ghosted for that. Some women may hear the number and think “serial dater”, or “this guy’s not capable of a relationship”. Or, be hurt for some reason, even though the #’s were just fwb’s from the past. It is hard reconciling a high number of *past* sex partners for some people. Some people will be fine with it.
First, do not let anyone shame you for anything that you did precious to meeting them. Also, being honest is a quality and if she’s not willing to see that and instead fixate on your body count or whatever, you need to “thank you, next”. What matters is here and now and you don’t want someone who’s willing to let you go for things that happened outside of y’all’s “official” time as a couple.
I’m 23f first time I was 19. I have a very high count for that amount of time. Not proud of it at all. I cried telling my bf actually but. He’s like look that’s the past you can’t change it so why think about it
It’s sad that she’s gone but at the same time it’s a blessing. You absolutely don’t want to go through life worried about setting off some Hidden emotional bomb in an unstable person. You also don’t want someone who can’t handle the truth but insists on asking for it. You also don’t want someone who claims to not be interested in a relationship but clearly is. There’s too many things wrong.
I’m sure your next relationship will be better, and this life experience will give you one more thing to look for in terms of red flags.
In nearly 40 years I have never asked my wife what her body count was nor has she asked for mine. Neither of us have volunteered it. We both feel it’s irrelevant and whatever answer they give could be fraught with emotional upset.
So some lessons learned and you dodged a bullet. Chalk this up to experience and I hope you find a more compatible partner going forward. I’m sure you will.
A+ for honesty. I never talk about things like this with a girlfriend. It shouldn’t matter. And the best way to establish that is not to talk about it.
She sounds a bit mentally ill tbh.
I don’t think it’s the number of people you’ve slept with. I think it’s most definitely the fact that you’ve slept with people while also sleeping with her. She may have talked to friends since she left your house, who might have told her you’re unreliable and she should block you. (kinda childish behavior if you ask me). And even though she might have said not wanting to have something serious, I think there was a miscommunication, or different opinion on what that serious thing might be. If I was her, I might think you weren’t very into me if you also felt the need to sleep with other women in just those few weeks.
Honestly, I think she may have done you a favor. This is what happens when you ask questions you aren’t prepared to hear the answer to. I think it’s pretty small of her to react to candor and honesty so poorly. I’m not saying she has to stay- she certainly is entitled to her feelings and opinions. While I tend to feel that whatever one does outside of the bounds of a committed, labeled relationship with clear expectations is that person’s business, I can certainly understand why someone else might feel differently. However, blocking instead of being adult about it is childish.