Me (19M) and my ex-bf (18M) broke up a little over a month ago. We’ve always been close, and were best friends for years. I’ve known for a while I was bi, while he was still coming to terms with the fact he’s bi.
We were together since last autumn, and it was the first serious relationship for both of us. It went quite well for about a year until this July.
I’d hoped this summer would be really great for us as we could have lots of dates and hang out quite a lot in general. That didn’t really happen from the star, as in June we had school exams and in July he was quite occupied with his summer job, but we’d still hang out together with our common friend group.
Towards the end of July, the day before going on vacation with said group for a couple of weeks we were hanging out. That day I was really stressed due to family matters and the stress of packing up for the vacation, and I told him while crying that it was a stressful day etc.
I don’t know if that scared him, it was first time I vented this much to him, or if he was meaning to tell me anyway, but that same day he told me he’s not sure anymore of both being bi and his feeling for me, that sometimes he’s disgusted when we kissed and thought of girls instead of me when having sex.
Obviously that hurt a lot, and as I said it was already a bad day for me so I went home without saying much. I cleared up my mind a bit and started asking him questions on the phone, if I ever pressured him into doing anything he didn’t want to and assured me that it wasn’t the case, and that kind of stuff didn’t even happen that often. He told me that felt he was fooling me, and wasn’t sure what to do.
At this point I was still hurt but tried to reason with him, and we agreed after discussing it for a few hours that it was fine to keep it on, and that I would ask him way more often (I started doing it always) if it was fine kissing or doing something specific during sex.
This was in the best interest as we were departing the very next day for a 2+ weeks vacation together with some friends. I also thought that I should help him out with figuring himself out since he didn’t really want a label and that was fine, but wouldn’t really admit he liked men either, by reccomending books, shows or resources that could help, and by telling me that he could ask me anything. However, he totally ignored those reccomandations. In general I felt he was distant towards me, despite being together all the time.
Then, during the first leg of the vacation, my documents were stolen. The rest of the group went on as I got my stuff back together, but those days were very stressful as I was alone in a foreign country trying to go back home.
When I went back my bf would only write me a couple of texts per day, despite telling him that i was really stressed due to the whole ordeal and that I missed him and the friend group in general.
When I finally managed to get there with them I was really tense, I snapped at him for mocking my dance one night and we kinda stopped talking. He would only try to teach out to me when other people were in front of us, and I ignored him completely for a couple of days.
When I tried reaching out when he was alone, he was really unresponsive and went back to the friend group after a few minutes.
We ignored each other till the end of the vacation, and had a big fight over text when we got back. I was mad because he was distant, he was because I ignored him for those 3 days and snapped at him for nothing.
After that we didn’t talk for a bit. I insisted we see each other so we could solve this. He didn’t want to, and accepted only after I told him I would come around his place. Also there I did most of the talking, and all I could get out of him was “I don’t want us to be together bit I’m not sure”.
I was very hurt and didn’t reach out to him for a couple of days, thinking of blocking him on every social media but not able to. In the end he reached out to me, and he tried to keep it chill. I still didn’t understand what he wanted really but thought we would solve it once we saw each other in person. It happened a week later, Mid August, at a friend’s party. We both Frank, danced and ended up sleeoing in the same bed, cuddling, kissing and having sex. We didn’t talk about our situation at all, and didn’t either the next morning as he had to drive some people home while I slept in, since I was exhausted as I had cleaned puke for hours the night before.
I thought that night meant things were cool between us, but it really didn’t. He kept trying to keep his distance, so we only player games online a couple of times per week for a while. I thought it would be a good thing to give him space so he could figure it out, while I also was coming to terms with the idea it’d be easier to stay friends and keep it at that. As I said at the start, our relationship went way back and I really hoped we would continue as friends.
However he didn’t give me the same impression, not texting me much if at all and being more and more distant. At the start of September, after he refused to meet to hang out, for the fourth or fifth time in a row, citing what I thought were excuses, I called him and voiced my concerns about this. I also told him I was really hurt by the whole break up ordeal not being clear, that I had waited till then for him to apologize not for his feelings, which were obviously but for the way and the moment he’d chosen to express them, and that he was being quite unfair towards me. He was surprised that I thought he was unfair to me, but that’s all he said.
I reached out to him again a couple of days later since he didn’t, and he tried to act as if everything was now fine.
However, he still made up excuses for us not to hang out in any way. The last straw for me was when he started watching the second part of a tv series he introduced me to and were waiting for together for years. We were in agreement to watch it together, bit he went on without me. I told him he should’ve waited, and he said he would’ve.
Then just 3 days later he told me he was still going on with it, almost as if he were mocking me.
I’m ashamed of myself, but after this I started heavily cussing him out via text. It’s something I never did and I’m very sorry for what I did. I went on for a while too, insulting in multiple ways and saying he was lazy, that he thought he was at the center of the world. I told him why I was hurt (that he was distant, wasn’t clear with his feelings, that I expected some sort of apology since I had always apologized for my wrongs and that he humiliated me a few times) but all he said was that I was just being salty for him breaking up with me and that I can’t have him, and that “if avoiding a friend a bit is being shitty then I was” .
Then the next day, after he demanded I repay the debt I owe him from the time I was stranded without documents (less then 100 but more than 50$) I snapped again, writing insults, that the money is all he cared about and probably the only reason he bothered keepimg contact with me.
That was two weeks ago, the last time we heard about each other.
I don’t know what to do. I’m aware what I did only made things worse and wasn’t the right thing to do. Obviously I’m going to give him back his money, I never intended not to. I want to apologize, but don’t know how. I’ve accepted he doesn’t want to be together but I still really miss him as my best friend. I’m a proud person but at this point I don’t even really care about swallowing my pride and just take all the blame and fault even if it was shared, but I don’t see a way out of this, I said some nasty stuff.
I feel like I would also lose the rest of my friend group, as when they hang out I don’t feel comfortable anymore going out with them as I know he’s there, so I’ve been avoiding them (when in group, I still hang out with some of them separately) for a couple of weeks now.
I’d really feel more comfortable if we could meet in person but he really proved he doesn’t want to.
Is there a way out of this? Or did I fuck up too badly?
Sorry for the wall of text, but I’m desperate and also kind of just vented
TLDR: me and my bf and long time friend had a messy break-up, I felt I was losing him as a friend and lost it. Now I want to make amends but don’t know how