So my partner and I have been together 2 years and recently they had a phone call with an ex that they didn’t tell me about until afterwards.
It’s an ex they had previously blocked on everything and it was a surprise that they came up again.
They told me after the phone call, and I told them I understand that they need friends and connections but that it would help me if they told me before they contacted an ex. That I felt that was a good communication boundary that would help me feel more secure.
This caused a big argument where they claim I’ve been unclear about communication in the past so they didn’t think they had to run everything by me and that I was trying to control them and wouldn’t let them be friend with people they slept with. That’s not the case. I do feel insecure about it, but mostly because it wasn’t a conversation up front
They also had lied to me about almost meeting up with a different ex a few months ago so I thought trying to increase openness would be good for both of us.
I understand that insecurity is unattractive and not good for relationships, but I just feel it’s not hard to have a conversation about where our thoughts are at about people from our past.
Is this an unreasonable boundary? To want to know before contact with an ex happens? I’ve never said they can’t be friends or anything like that. I just feel openness is good.. or is that too controlling?
Thank you!
21 comments
Phoning a friend or meeting up with a friend is perfectly fine, but an ex is a bit weird. You should tell your partner that you can’t stop them from hanging out and seeing who they want, but they should respect you and inform you when they start interacting with a previous partner. Doing otherwise would hurt you. You’re not being insecure, what you’re feeling is valid.
I think the largest concern is their defensiveness. They may be right that you two hadn’t discussed the boundaries ahead of time, but it shouldn’t be a big deal to say, “alright next time I’ll give you a heads up if my ex will be part of my life again and in what context.”
Also if they already lied about meeting an ex awhile back, this doesn’t look good at all. What happened back then – why are you still with them after that lie?
I don’t know how you are with someone who lied to you about meeting an ex months ago. Of course the untrustworthy person is going to flip out over basic commutation and boundary setting.
Intercourse means two or more people engaged in activity that involves at least one person’s genitalia. Sex means that consent was given. Oral sex is just another form of it.
You are going to have to ask for and demand at least monthly STDs tests results with her primary care physician’s name handwritten by said physician or no intimacy. If she does not like this kind of treatment, she can forego the behavior and build trust by being honest with you or forego any relationship and contact with you. You can also tell her since she has engaged in such activity while in a relationship with you, she can forego the trust until she puts this kind of behavior behind her for good, because it is not just about trust and honesty. It is about being healthy. Also, if she brings anyone into this (two is plenty and three is a crowd in this relationship) then you will cut off all contact will her. The reason being is this. With this kind of behavior, she left the ball in your court, meaning she had her say and you will have yours. If she does not like the consequences of her actions and words, then there is the door. She could always leave by saying goodbye to you and any further relationship with you. I say this because it does not seem to me that she understands that to have and enjoy a mutually beneficial relationship, there is such a thing as emotional support.
He’s most likely lacking some type of affection from you so he’s feeling the once old feeling someone else gave him before. Time to step up.
By your own account, he’s not mad about the boundary- he’s mad about your unclear communication about it. Those are two very different things.
From his perspective you are getting angry at him for something he didn’t know would upset you.
In lots of cases, I find it unhealthy to be friends with exes. The fact that your partner is actively trying to re-open connections with exes isn’t cool. If they wanted to make new connections, awesome.
Their defensiveness and trying to spin it around on you trying to be communicative sounds manipulative on their part.
To me this would be a red flag.
Don’t doubt yourself and your intuition in a situation like this. Sometimes its an early warning sign of the things to come, and considering the next difficult step if they cant respect your feelings and your relationship.
Bro…. You’re going to get cheated on.
It’s a reasonable boundary. But the reason he is arguing with you is because he intended to go past that boundary. If he lied about meeting up with an ex’s then there are other lies you haven’t uncovered yet.
Very unreasonable, don’t be insecure
Why is everyone misgendering the partner in the comments! OP clearly and consistently uses they/them to refer to them.
Ummm, hate to break this to you, but your partner is looking to step out and possibly setting up a Plan b to you. I would end it now.
Out of alllllllll the people in the world, they can make friends with someone they didn’t sleep with. It sounds like you have a sneaky one there. I see some red flags that maybe you want to overlook because they’re little cute flags, but still, they’re red flags!!! It seems you have some healing and self reflection to work on yourself but there’s no excuse for hiding things and lying. Also omitting things is lying; don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.
On to the communication w the ex: if the ex is the one reaching out, I just don’t think it’s feasible for your person to contact you before speaking to them. Do you want them to miss the call, contact you to get the ok, then call them back? I’ve been there, done that so I can tell you nothing good will come from a heads up on their part that they’re going to speak to an ex for shits and giggles. You won’t be happy but then again that already sounds the case here. Cut your losses. You can do better, much better!
You are definitely being gaslighted. This isn’t something that should need to be communicated at all, it’s basic respect for someone you care about.
They’re cheating, or trying to.
Cut your losses and move on while you can.
It’s confusing why someone doesn’t understand why not talking to an ex or someone they have had sex with before would not be an obvious boundary. If it makes you uncomfortable he shouldn’t do it.
Any excuses or arguments he tries to make us him not loving you or respecting your boundary.
He also ignored it twice now.
It’s confusing why someone who loves and values you would want you feeling anyway about an ex or previous sexual partner. He doesn’t care about boundaries or your feelings. He just wants to do what he want no matter your feelings. Even if he has to hide it
This was my opinion before reading that he lied to you, so this mostly applies for future relationships you may have. This also doesn’t apply if he was doing something that could be considered cheating, in that case you should just leave
Honestly, he did tell you. I think the fact that he told you afterwards is reasonable. Requesting that he tell you before does sound like it could lead to controlling behavior, like him then needing to get your permission before reaching out to someone.
But that is me personally, I am pretty sensitive to feeling controlled because of past relationships
Honey, dearest, I’m going to only say this once: if they have to resort to getting defensive, ( saying your being controlling etc.) something more is going on that you do not know about. Now I know that’s a sh*t thing to hear, but sometimes it is the truth. What you do with that information, is up to you, but in the long run it’s better to do so now and cut the loss before you waste even more years with someone who is not only not going to respect the boundaries you have to feel secure In the relationship, but not respect your RELATIONSHIP as a whole. It takes 2. Not just one, and he knows that and he’s blowing you off.
Its a reasonable boundary with a very unreasonable reaction on their part
Depends on what your relationships with your ex’s are like. And if you keep your current partner informed of all your communication with them.
If you do, then it’s fine as a boundary, probably one you should have both agreed upon before now, but okay nonetheless, if you don’t then making it a boundary now regardless of if you change your habits stinks of hypocrisy, because you are unilaterally making a boundary in your relationship that you haven’t observed before yourself, nor had a decision about prior to making it a boundary.
You are entitled to make any personal boundaries you want, but relationship boundaries need to be agreed to by both. If your personal boundaries do not meet up with the relationship boundaries, then the relationship isn’t going to last.
You’re being controlling. However, I wouldn’t trust this woman. What did she meet up with the other ex for? Was it innocent?
But you wanting her to “run it by you” before she speaks to an ex is ridiculous. Neither of you should be in relationships.