I’d love some advice on from people who have gone through this. Boyfriend doesn’t seem ready to get engaged after 2.5 years.

13 comments

1. Just ask him how he feels about marriage in the near future. If he isn’t ready, you either wait till he is (which I’d recommend not waiting too much longer because the longer you wait to have kids, the rougher it is on you since you are approaching your 30’s) or you understand he’s more than likely not going to marry you or fit into the timeline you want.

2. Be mindful of your tone, be kind but firm.

   Tell him you want to talk about a time line for marriage and kids, because it’s important for you to know if you are on the same page. Tell him when you would like these things to happen and ask him what his timeline is. And just listen.

   This is non accusatory or pressuring him, you simply need to know his thoughts on it.

   However if he tells you “I don’t know” then you really need to think about how important these things actually are to him. The conversation then is, I don’t think we are compatible because although we want those things, we want them at different times.

3. You know marriage isn’t a requirement for a happy and healthy relationship and family life. I just got engaged after 4 years to a woman who I know I won’t marry for almost another decade. Some kids have to go to college on both sides and our combined income would ruin financial aid options. She lives across the street and we won’t live together until the kids move out. The main reason we got engaged was just for the bling. But we are crazy happy. It’s our second go around and what we learned from the first is there are no rules. We can do this how we want to. I have another friend couple who have been in a relationship for 2 decades, have a kid and a house but don’t want to get married. Not your situation, I know. So the question for you is whether a symbolic ring, overpriced celebration and ability to pull their plug is worth giving up an actual, real life good relationship. Are you in it for the ring or the love? Nothing wrong with re-aligning to get on the same page. But it always shocks me how many people are willing to give up something good because they will think it will be even better with a ring. It’s the same relationship either way.

4. Stop dropping hints and making jokes, you don’t need to give him an ultimatum you just need to have a sensible conversation about both of your desires for the future and both of your expectations and ideal timelines. Hopefully you can meet in the middle.

   Contrary to one of the comments below it’s perfectly normal in some demographics to have your first child in your mid 30s, so please don’t fixate on the idea that you are running out of time.

5. It’s one thing if he isn’t ready but it’s another thing after 2.5 years if he isn’t ready to discuss it because that is selfish and unfair to you. If he isn’t ready or doesn’t know he needs to tell you so you can make a decision. People who intentionally don’t tell someone where they stand in a relationship especially after years put the other person in a position where they can’t make an effective decision on their current relationship.

   I think it’s a selfish and immature tactic. It’s dismissive and demonstrates no regard for their partners needs. You were clear from the beginning and he in effect agreed by continuing the relationship knowing your hard lines.

   You aren’t pressuring him or giving him an ultimatum by needing to have an answer. You are asking him to make a decision so that YOU can decide on if this relationship is sustainable for you and if it isn’t, that’s ok, but for him to maybe waste another year or two by not being able to have a mature conversation is not healthy nor respectful.

   For instance my SO and I have open conversations about marriage and him being divorced so recently but we at least know we intend to get marriage and our plan is when we have reached a set financial goal to do so. But before that we have casual conversations about ring size and what kind of ring I would want whenever it would happen even though there is no immediate deadline to do so. It’s just being able to have open conversations about your future to be able to either align your goals or know they aren’t aligned.

   Everyone has past issues and with divorce rates in this country talking about hesitations about marriages or concerns isn’t taboo.

   Also, on your end ‘joking’ about something that is clearly serious to you isn’t the right way to handle it. If you treat something serious as a joke, for instance ring size, then it’s understandable that he would reciprocate marriage conversations as a joke.

6. I think you just need to have a serious conversation about marriage. Does he want to be married? Does he want to be married to you? When do you want kids? Are you all emotionally + financially prepared for children? How long are you willing to wait to be married?

   All of these are important questions you should think about and have an open discussion about. There’s nothing wrong with you desiring marriage, or him not being ready for it.

7. People have different timelines for marriage. Personally, I view 2.5 years as too soon, but that’s just me. You need to find what his general timeline is, compare it to yours, and see if there’s compromise.

   That said, I’d advise you not to get so hung up on the marriage thing. I have many friends who ended relationships because their partner wasn’t exactly ready when they were, but because they wanted to hold true to their shorter timeline, the relationships end. Now they find themselves lamenting they let that person go over something that could have otherwise been compromised on.

8. 2 people can love each other and want to be married at some point in the future, but if that timeline doesn’t match, it still can be cause for separating.

   Eg, men have 3 big issues when it comes to getting married. First, the concept of the engagement ring. It can’t be too cheap, or the lady might get mad. It can’t be too expensive, because then he can’t afford it.

   Then the cost of the wedding.

   And finally, the idea that while they expect to be together forever, they might not be. When that happens, the person has the potential to part of their income to support the ex and the kid(s).

   These 3 things weigh heavily on a person’s mind.

   A woman might say, it’s ok, I’ll marry you however you are, whatever we can afford. But no, that’s only in the movies.

   IRL, the woman also wants some financial security during the marriage. And if things don’t go that way, she can easily divorce and still get something in the results, while being able to find another man to marry.

   Yea, these are just the negative aspects of thinking about marriage. There are a lot of positive aspects.

   But these negative aspects are so big that some men want to really make sure about whom and when they are marrying.

   Of course, there’s another aspect, which is that he’s just not willing to marry you, but he isn’t ready to give up on dating you either.

9. >I don’t want to come off giving an ultimatum

   But it is an ultimatum. It doesn’t have to be militaristic or coercive, but in the end you _are_ telling him “I want to get married and have children and need to know if you’re on the same page. If not, I won’t force you into it, and will move on to find that with someone else.”

   You’ve tried beating around the bush, but you’re both nearing 30 and the time for being subtle has passed. At 2.5 years in, he needs to sit with himself and figure out if he even wants to get married, if he’s using his father’s behavior as an excuse to avoid marriage, or if there’s some other reason for why marriage doesn’t seem appealing to him (e.g. some people feel that once married, their life will turn boring and passionless).

   Even if he doesn’t want to get married now but may reconsider in the future, he’s still giving you a “no” and you have no idea when (or if!) that answer will change.

   Talk to him about that, and give him a date when he should give you an answer. Say, a month from now, so that he doesn’t feel like you’re cornering him. Also discuss what both your views on marriage are and what you expect of it.

   P.S. it’s perfectly reasonable to want to marry your partner. Some commenters are making it out like you’re too demanding to want that and that getting married is “performative” or whatever, which IMO is tonedeaf of them. You signed up for a relationship where both of you wanted the same thing; if that’s changed, you need to talk it out and decide if he’s still on board.

10. I was exactly your age when I felt the itch to be married and had been dating my partner for four years at that point and living together for over two years.

    If I could go back and give my younger self advice, it would be that applying pressure is a terrible idea. My marriage ended in divorce because my husband never really wanted to be married in the first place. It was an incredibly painful situation that I’d avoid if I could have a do over.

    My advice is to figure out how long you’re willing to wait for him to be ready and then have an honest conversation with your boyfriend about it.

11. Why don’t you propose to him?

12. > Looking for advice on how to talk about marriage without coming off like I’m pressuring him.

    Playing the “cool girlfriend” rarely pans out well.

    I told my boyfriend right upfront that I wanted marriage. We started discussing it in a concrete way six months in (although of course were not going to get engaged that quickly, just speaking about our goals for the future). We’ve always been on the same page and I know that because I was direct and didn’t worry about “scaring him off.” I used to dance around it in my younger days and all it got me was wasted time with men who were never going to commit to me.

    You two have been together over two years and are edging toward 30. If, at this point, he’s spooked by a blunt conversation about marriage, he doesn’t want it. Better to know now. I really would just sit him down and say, “I really want to marry you. Is that something you want?” If he says yes, move to discussing a timeline. If he equivocates or won’t engage with talking about a timeline, then I’m afraid that’s your answer.

13. My own opinion of a guy like This, He is a fat cat too cozy in the corner and doesn’t want to get out of it to COMMIT on paper. Sure, He may have seemed or been on the same page when you dated and began living Together, But in doing So, He is now happy and contented to leave well enough alone. And it happens. I would not press on it this year but next year will be another year. If he still feels like This, There is two ways to look at it. You have everything now that you want but the Ring and the Wedding and the kids. And still wanting that which it sounds like you Do, he may not be the One, hun. However, You could also find someone who is like you in this department but NOT be like your guy is in the ways you know and love so much. You decide.