Went on a third date with this guy last night. First date he paid, second date I paid, and last night we had dinner he asked what I preferred to do. I said I usually like to alternate paying and he said he likes to split. I said sure we can split. Even though that feels like we’re just hanging out as friends which he agreed to but said he thinks it’s the best way not to hurt anyone’s feelings.
So I put down my card and he’s like I’ll just charge it and you can Venmo me. At this point I’m like uh ok sure thinking I’ll just Venmo him later when I get home or something. Right right he’s like where’s my Venmo you can just send me $20.
So I did. That was the first time a guy asked me to split the check and Venmo him during the date. It definitely did not feel romantic at all.
Is this typical dating?
I haven’t dated much and was kind of surprised. I was uncertain about the third date but gave it a chance and after this will probably not go on a 4th. Not just the paying part but I don’t think we’re very compatible with our lifestyle either.
49 comments
I’m confused. What exactly is weird about having you Venmo him there vs when you get home?
TBH I don’t think it’s the payment issue but you don’t sound like you’re into this guy anyways.
I’m old school. It literally bothers me to have a female I am with, pay for the bill. My mother, a date whatever. So maybe I am not the best person to ask about new norms, but I would not be in a 4th date.
There are certain contexts where going back and forth is fine. Say you buy the tickets to something and he buys the dinner that’s fine. But if it’s just a standard dinner and drinks date, no absolutely not. You buy a drink or two because you slipped in on the line, okay but generally hell no
Yeah i think that just sounds a bit… Too casual. Something ud do with a friend sure. But that just gives me the ick if it was a date. He doesn’t sound like he’s your type anyways. Just chalk it up to difference in lifestyles and end it.
This is super weird to me….. you’re not overthinking it. I don’t see why he couldn’t cover it and you pay for the 4th date. Bringing up the whole venmo thing is so tacky why couldn’t you just split the bill there if he really wanted to do that
No he is cheap. Don’t let anyone tell you anything differently. You aren’t friends, you are each other’s date. It shouldn’t be this complicated. It’s not a transaction. I feel sorry for the guys/ girls that are accepting the absolute bare minimum if they think this behavior is normal. What is he collecting credit card points?
>I was uncertain about the third date but gave it a chance
He probably thought the same thing, and hence why he suggested to split the bill. Him asking you to Venmo him means he’s most likely no longer interested anyway.
I think it’s progressive to think of a mutually agreed upon solution based on communication and consensus… I think you are reading too much into it and have unreasonable expectations. But maybe that’s just me.
Maybe you’re just looking for a reason to get out of it, so do that. Maybe one day you’ll find your dream guy who checks all your boxes, but I think romance is truly overrated as it is almost never mutually understood as the same thing.
It’s like failing at pictionary. By that, I mean that people are just throwing out their own expectations and guessing their way through life. I see so many people on reddit going on dates and coming back to reddit to overanalyze it every step of the way.
When I go out with my friends, I immediately Cashapp/Venmo them while we are hanging out and not later so I don’t forget. But that’s with *friends*. I’ve never had to do this with a date.
I wouldnt say it’s a red flag. It’s definitely a romantic turn off those as you said it feels like you’re with friends. Maybe bring this up to him? Or you can move on with a guy who will better court you.
I’ve had guys take me out on 3-5 dates before I even lifted my wallet.
I think the platonic vibes were probably just highlighted by the check split situation. Im sure they were there before and after. And he probably just didnt see another date happening.
That being said, i dont see check splitting as platonic as an act. The way he rushed it though probably meant he also didn’t have the vibes
Very rude and weird of him
U made it bad from you paid. I don’t believe in splitting the bill or asking the girl to pay during dates. He’s dirt cheap!
You agreed to split the check. No one carries cash anymore. Why is this objectionable?
And what is the difference between taking turns paying and splitting the check?
Dating has certainly changed… but then again, dating is so impersonal now. You meet each other online, barely know each other, go out on essentially blind dates, so I’m not surprised people are splitting bills. If it was agreed upon beforehand that’s one thing, but to just surprise you with it on the actual date is a major turn off.
It doesn’t seem like you’re very into each other anymore anyway, I think it’s time to move on.
Wow….Technology is just killing the game LOL. Take me back to the 90s. (I was a kid but still)
Ah yes, the unintended consequences of equality rearing its ugly head.
If this were a first date, I’d say it is OK. By the third date, you should have some real chemistry going. If you’re not wanting to tear each others’ clothes off by the end of the third date, there’s something wrong. Who is paying the bill should be the last thing on your mind.
He’s just not into you. Sorry.
I guess this is an unpopular but I see absolutely nothing wrong with this. When dating someone so early on I think money can sometimes get awkward and it’s so much easier just to split things. For example, if we’re out at dinner and I feel like the guy is going to pay for me it sorta stresses me out a bit because I feel like I can’t order what I want. Maybe I want to splurge and get the most expensive thing on the menu since I got paid that day or maybe I want dessert and drinks which can get expensive and he wants just something small.
I have definitely asked guys to split the bill with me and we’ll use venmo later and it’s never been an issue. I just make sure to express that I like the person so he doesn’t see it as me being a friend and I just say something ahead of time like “I am really looking forward to seeing you for dinner. I do prefer to always just pay for my bill though just to let you know ahead of time!” And have never had any issues. Sometimes we’ll go back and forth paying for things but honestly it’s just easier to split things in my opinion.
hey OP, I just want to confirm, if there was a significant difference in $$ for the first and second dates.
You mentioned that guy paid for the first date and you paid for the second, and for the 3rd date, the guy had to ask questions about the payment preference.
Inflation is high
I wish the guy I was with would do this. He won’t even let me get out my wallet
Let me get this straight – you agreed to split the bill, but when he asked you explicitly to pay for your part of the split, it’s a turn off? I don’t see the problem here, or why splitting the bill relegates the experience to being like “just friends”. This is how 95% of the dates I’ve been on have worked.
*”It definitely did not feel romantic at all.”*
The romantic experience should come from the shared time and experience together, not how you pay for it…
You sound like you’re looking for an out though. If you don’t vibe with the guy, that’s as far as it needs to go.
I’m on your side. Definitely tacky and cheap. Red flag in my opinion. Anything else about him that stood out?
There is something about splitting the date (unless it’s surprisingly expensive!) that kills the romance and add him demanding your pay him back right away (sounds like someone has trust issues?) I would rather for the whole thing myself than have it split.
I wouldn’t do it but I also don’t think it’s the worst thing to happen on a date. What I’m really curious about is if you do on another date. If not, that may be why he wanted to split and get the $$$ immediately.
weird….
Wants the image of paying….
Doesn’t want to wait for you to get home before venmo…
IDK my spidey senses are goin off on this one.
So to you romance is a guy buying you stuff. Duly noted.
My ex was like this. He still is…there’s nothing wrong with it if you’re fine with dating someone who pinches pennies. It is very irritating to live with after a while though. He would check every receipt at the end of grocery shopping. He would take me out for dinner every now and then and complain about paying when the cheque came. I feel like (depending on where a person lives) a person like this just needs to be with a very low-maintenance partner that is also frugal. So if that’s not you and if you don’t like him all that much…don’t bother.
Well I mean OP is saying she was hesitant to go on the 3rd date and when said partner asked about the check, she said she likes to alternate. Well it sounds like she would have let the guy pay knowing she had no intentions of seeing him again because there was no spark right? So splitting the bill was fair I think and idk why OP would have a problem if she generally wasn’t planning on seeing the the guy again. Now she has no ties with him and the date can’t say he was taken for a ride or free meal blah blah blah. They both paid for their meals, end of story… I don’t think how splitting the check matters here, if she was gonna Venmo him at home, why does it matter that he asked for it to be done there, unless she wasn’t planning to do it..
I typically pay for dates but if someone was not into me, I’d be ok with this arrangement and keep it moving..🤷🏽♂️
I think that since you didn’t have any connection with this guy then there’s probably not much to really dwell on so you’re just best off moving on.
In terms of splitting the bill. I personally don’t see a problem with the concept of it because it’s fairer on both people especially as times are getting tougher and it’s harder to find decent people. Like I would split on the first few dates because I am worried that I will end up going out with someone who is just going to take advantage so they get a free meal. Maybe just me reading into things and expecting the worst but I wouldn’t be comfortable with someone paying for me and I don’t have the money to be the one paying. At least until things become more serious then I’d have. K problem.
Inflation is affecting us all not just people with penises
Thats your future with this guy, dating someone that miserly is insufferable. He will ask you to venmo for every Uber, when you go out with friends he’ll pay up front to get credit card points and then ask you to venmo once the other couples have left. He will keep track of every expense on a vacation and give you a list of expected debt when it’s over. And he’ll never marry you and if he does? Gurl you will be asking permission to buy things you need for the home. They’re all the same.
Look it means he doesn’t care enough to treat you, it’s absolutely unflattering and not a standard you should fall for. It’s ok to feel how you do it doesn’t matter what strangers online say is fair or normal.
Gross. No self-respecting man would do this.
What was the point of asking you to venmo when you’re still in the middle of the date? You took your card out already, the easiest thing, imo, would be to just let the server split the cheque. It sounds like it was a tactless, awkward conversation. I would be put off if I were in your shoes.
I don’t necessarily see it as friendly vs. romantic, but it can seem like your date doesn’t trust you to pay them back if they insist on getting the payment immediately.
If you didn’t have his Venmo info already, I could see him providing the handle then and there just from common sense. Not sure if he said “here’s my venmo (because it’s easier than making you look it up by phone number)” vs. “No, you can’t pay me later—I need the money now”.
Nothing is less romantic than having to remind someone later how much money they owe you, or hassling them to get around to it. It’s nice to take turns, but if someone doesn’t have a lot of money, I don’t think it makes a big difference if you split instead.
He just been burned before. He don’t know you like that.
Holy crap I (44m) would be embarrassed to ask someone to pay for a date or split the check.
This has never even been a consideration for me. To ask someone to Venmo you during a date? Wow. That’s not even something I had ever considered to be a thing.
Alternate, or split, venmo now or later. If your vibe is killed by any of this, you’re ok to want whatever it is, but I hope the way he said it (demanding?) or the way you guys came to a cooperative solution about these things says a lot more about compatibility.
Date me, I’ll split the bill once I’m home.
Jk, don’t mean to be rude
No, this is not normal. Taking turns paying is fine, but this is just something you’d do with your homies, not a potential romantic interest. I would not continue to date him, as it sounds like he’s gonna be keeping tabs on who owes what for every damn thing.
I think he wanted to split the bill and wanted you to send him your half of the bill right then and there cause he has already decided that he didn’t want another date and he was afraid that you wouldn’t venmo him money after the date if you saw that he started ghosting you.
Disgusting
He wants the cc points?
Redditors will ask you to leave him
Redditors will tell him it’s just a quirk and he should tolerate him.
Sounds to me like he probably didn’t want to go on another date, and because of that he wanted to make sure he would get his cash before he never sees you again. Personally I think $20 isn’t a big deal, but I’m blessed enough to have a good job and enough income while others need to watch out for every $20 they might spend.
I have never had a date ask me to split the check, they typically pay. FYI I offer to pay and also mention that I will pay the next time, but in many cases I have to convince dates to allow me to pay.
With that said, I don’t think there’s a problem with splitting if that’s what someone is more comfortable with. I do however think it’s weird how he went about it.
Since you agreed and had your card out, he should’ve let the server handle splitting the check. You obviously don’t have a problem paying since you covered the last date.
It sounds to me like the “romantic” vibe stopped when he immediately paused to wait for you to Venmo him. That can come off like a lack of trust that you’ll send the money and I get how that could cause an awkward vibe.
Take this as a learning lesson on date adaptability and possibly reflect on how you romanticize paying the check. It’s ok to have certain expectations but you should also be flexible to different personality types.
In hindsight, it probably would’ve went better if you said “I’m ok with splitting but I’d rather let the server handle it” vs. having the awkward Venmo pause.
This is bad form any way you slice it. Not sure what else to say about this other than it’s not likely to get much better. This sounded more like two buds getting together, rather than a date.
Splitting means hanging out as friends?
That’s some standard you got there 😂😂
I fail to see what he did wrong 🤷♂️
I was waiting for a twist. Guess people like to complain about anything these days
No, he’s most likely using you.
I wouldn’t read much into that myself.