My wife and I have been married for just shy of a year. Yesterday we got into an argument over something stupid. It was late and we were both tired. I left the room and slept on the couch. Today we talked about it, and she told me she threw away my Marriage Ring that I had taken off for bed and left on the side table beside our bed. This ring was very special to me. I have been fascinated by jewelry since the first time I was taken to a jeweler on a scout trip when I was a kid. I had dreamed about what kind of ring I would have throughout my years of dating. So naturally when we were engaged we spent months designing both rings down to every detail. The Ring was created from my design. It meant more than just a ring to me. I had the inside engraved with one word, Hope. She was the bright embodiment of what my heart longed for my whole life. I have gone through so many struggles in “Love” and lost hope of ever having joy, until I met her. I was completely floored and stunned when she told me. She said she didn’t want to be married to someone who makes her feel like that. I spent the last 3 hours digging through every piece of trash in our garbage cans, inside and outside. Didn’t find it. She refused to tell me where or how she threw it away. She said she just doesn’t care about it. Is our relationship over? Is this the sign that divorce is imminent? It feels so out of left field. We have had, for the most part, a happy marriage. The occasional argument over something stupid that we can’t remember how started a week later. But thats it. I feel crushed, hollow and afraid, and most of all Hopeless.
49 comments
Umm yeah this sounds over.
You need counseling. Clearly you and your wife are experiencing extremely different and conflicting views on the state of your marriage. This is not something reddit can help with, it’ll probably make you worse and paranoid to boot. This is serious
That’s quite cruel of her. It sounds like you guys are on very different pages when it comes to assessing the health and state of this marriage – have you considered counselling?
I can fucking guarantee you she still has that ring hidden somewhere.
The real issue is that she is manipulating you. She did it, because she knows how much the ring means to you.. You gotta confront that shit head on, or it’s only gonna get worse. Set your red lines, and if she crosses them you gotta respond. Make sure she doesn’t have access to ur bank accts, and prepare in case shit gets worse
Yes your relationship is over.
The ring symbolizes your marriage and she threw it away. She specifically won’t tell you where she threw it, so she doesn’t want to repair it.
If I’m wrong and it’s not symbolic, and she is just playing twisted mind games because she’s angry, then letting her know that this is how you interpret her actions will either prompt her to be real, or she will explode and you will have confirmation.
Either way, behaving in a calm manner as if her actions were the same as verbal communication that your marriage is over would be my recommended way of proceeding.
She’s a horrible person, I would definitely end this marriage. She doesn’t love you anymore.
It doesn’t sound as if your wife had a happy marriage
But her actions here are abusive the fact she threw away a wedding/marriage ring rubs me the wrong way because that is the culmination of what a woman wants commitment and to so callously throw it away/pretend to is do many problems I can’t even. The whole she is angry forgive her is dumb society does not forgive men who do crap to women while angry so why are so many of you extolling the free pass. This is the start of this bs were does it end her losing her temper and taking a hit out on you? This is who she is believe her and start preparing yourself.
what , do you need to be hit by a piano
stick a fork in it , you’re done
Please be reasonable about this. You don’t want to spend your life with someone who responds like this to difficult situations. You’re going to encounter much more trying times in your life than this, and if she responds with irrational spite due to an argument over something stupid, imagine what she’s capable of if you encounter something important. And now after the event, she’s refusing to try and undo the damage because she doesn’t care about it – but she’s ignoring that you care about it. This is not someone you want to spend your life relying on.
Yeah your marriage is over if she had any hope of saving your marriage she’d tell you where your ring is. I don’t care man or woman that is one thing you don’t get rid of till the divorce is final then still it’s the wearers choice what to do it with.
Your wife majorly overreacted I understand putting it away on a drawer or jewelry box to make you sweat a little but after hours of digging in the trash.
NOPE
Amputate this piece of human garbage from your life
>Is our relationship over? Is this the sign that divorce is imminent?
It might not be over, but you need to have some serious talks about what’s happening and prepare yourself for that possibility. If it isn’t over (or she doesn’t want it to be over) then there needs to be *other* talks about trust and behaviour, because at the very least this is a serious boundary violation.
Does she have a spiteful side to her?
Why are you fighting so dramatically? I’ve been with my fiance for 7 years and never had an explosive flight before.
Am I the only one who thinks that argument might be relevant? She said she doesn’t want to be with someone that made her feel this way. How does he make her feel?
Not that what she did was ok but I feel stuff is missing in this narrative. Knowing it will help give advice. Could mean the difference between divorce, counsel, individual therapy, quitting a stressful job that makes one of you hateful etc.
Is she still wearing hers?
Is this an arranged marriage?
Boy what did yall fight about?
You deserve better
This is really unfortunate, and I am sorry this happened to you. I know that your ring was special to you, and her throwing away this was NOT ok (whether it is in a trash can, flushed down the toilet, or tossed in a junk drawer).
I assume that she is manipulating the situation to make you feel worse. If she is doing this now, during a “silly argument,” how is she going to react when there is a *really big problem* that the two of you need to solve?
Please don’t feel “hopeless,” and if you need to, reach out to a therapist or other trusted professional to talk through your feelings and come up with communication strategies that you can use (whether you go with her or not). I’m wishing you all the luck as you work on figuring out your next steps…
Well, you’ve just been shown a facet of your wife that you weren’t aware of before. Someone that is throws away things that are important to you to “prove a point” is a red flag. A huge flapping red flag.
Obviously, we only have your side of the story and no idea of what your marriage was like from her POV. But standing and watching you search through garbage is cruel, regardless. Neither of you deserve to be in a relationship that has gotten to that point.
You ask if your marriage is over – that’s really up to you. Are you willing to be in a relationship with someone that will do that? Someone more invested in proving her point to you than in being empathetic and supportive? Are you willing to set and hold boundaries with her and encourage her to do the same? If so, then you can save the marriage and grow into a mutually supportive partnership. If not, well…
Personally, if a person that I was in a relationship did that to me, I wouldn’t stay in that relationship. You say you’ve been married a year – maybe you could look at it as a cheaper lesson that it could have been. This could have come about after you’d spent 12 years in, gotten 2 kids, a house, and life long PTSD from being emotionally manipulated.
Good luck OP – whatever you decide to do
So she’s deliberately causing you emotional pain and told you she didn’ want to be married to you. That kinda sounds emotionally abusive.
This is not how caring adults behave with each other. Time for an exit plan.
She threw away your wedding ring? She might as well had handed you divorce papers
Uh yeah marriage is over. She sounds like trash.
She threw away the ring. She j7st told you she doesn’t want tobe married to you anymore. What other hints do you need?
Time to file. Sell the house. And start over
Yea, it’s over. Lawyer up.
She is 100% playing games with you, and I guarantee that she’s enjoying seeing you crawl all over the place finding the ring while she is laughing internally knowing she’s the reason you’re so upset. You should look into an annulment instead of a divorce if you can, and I guarantee once you start the process that the ring will magically show up again and she will be begging you to stop. Don’t fall for her fake tears, the person she is right now is the person you’re going to have to deal with for the rest of your life if you stay married. Get out of there, before it’s too late and she has you bending over backwards for even a little bit of attention.
That is theft, and destruction of property.
It’s possible she lied about what she did with it.
Maybe she threw it out the door, etc.
Or she is keeping it and plans to sell it.
Either way she wants to deprive you of something you consider a special connection to her.
That tells you where you stand.
She sounds completely unremorseful, and ugly on the inside.
Wow…yeah, screw her in the heart. What a bi+ch…
Time to call a lawyer and get out of this relationship. She has the ring or could at least point you in the direction to look for it. She is being incredibly spiteful and it’s a red flag. Time to get out and find someone new.
What was the argument about to begin with?
I bet she still has the ring! It’s like a crutch. Seems to me she likes to watch you suffer because she feels like she is?
Either way, I would stop worrying about the ring and focus on the marriage.
Thanks what’s more important right?
Dude, your relationship is totally over. And she’s fucking insane.
She’s continuing the argument and trying to win it from last night. I don’t think the marriage is over. It seems this is your first blown up heated fight. How you two reconcile from it is very important. Usually once the heat is gone from the anger, then both parties can come together for real talk, compromise and sometimes a stronger bond.Because both parties will feel dismayed of their reaction and their willingness to cause someone they love pain and therefore will try to do better next time. However, sometimes that’s not the case and the marriage just starts to go downhill because either side or one side is not willing to work out the issue. Time will tell with you and her. In the meantime, keep your cool, keep your distance. She didn’t throw away the ring. She wants to continue to fight. I advise against that. You both need a breather and a chance to cool off. I’m sure you’ll get your ring back.
I personally have a hard time believing the marriage was just fine and dandy just to have this one argument send her over the edge of divorce. Sounds like (as with pretty much all posts on this sub) there’s more to this maybe you haven’t noticed or acknowledged.
People don’t just make rash, life changing and expensive decisions over one argument, unless they are incredibly emotionally unbalanced. My guess is your marriage wasn’t as “happy” as you are presenting.
My husband lost his ring and was devastated! We’ve been saving for a new one ever since.. it’s the symbol of our marriage and he respects it a great deal. The fact your wife just threw yours out is incredibly telling and she doesn’t respect you or the vows y’all made.
Design another ring and engrave the word “FREE” on the inside. Because this is childish immaturity and cruelty on a really awful level. Your wife is not a good person. Good luck.
She doesn’t want to be married to someone who makes her feel like that and she just doesn’t care about your ring (or how upset you are).
*Makes her feel like what?*
Unless doing random, hurtful crap like this is normal for the two of you, she sounds done with you and your marriage. Get in with a divorce attorney for a consult.
If not over by her own choice it should be by yours. She’s toxic and you deserve better. Make sure you make an even better and more banning design next time when you actually find the right woman for you. And Don’t worry, you will!!!
Update.
First off, thank you for all the advice and for the support. It helps to have someone to listen and to be heard. We try not to involve others in our troubles so having an anonymous crowd has been helpful.
I got some sleep finally today. Haven’t slept much at all the last 3 nights. I’m debating whether to separate for a while. It’s tough because I feel like separations are just an admission that you have given up, and only a prolonging of the inevitable. But I don’t feel safe in this relationship right now, and the tension of living together and watching us avoid each other is just causing more pain.
She brought 2 children with her into the marriage whom I love dearly. In fact the fight started over our son wetting the bed. I offered to go take care of it so she could stay in bed, as I could see it distressed her. She asked me to use a specific cleaner, and I was dumb enough to come back down and ask her where it was, as it was not where she described it. Apparently she did not like being asked questions while she was taking a pee. We have never had a close door policy on peeing, we walk in and out, talk, and joke with each other while peeing. She snapped at me that I was being disrespectful. I let her finish, and she came out and yelled at me for a few minutes. I asked her if we could move past it and talk about the cleaner. Her response was, “no I’m not going to do that” and walked away upstairs. Assuming she was just going to take care of what I had offered to solely take care of I just said to myself fuck it. And went to bed. She comes down after doing it, and is livid. She cussed me out while yelling, I told her I’m not doing this tonight. And she yelled at me until I left the room with my pillow and blanket. Here’s my big dumb fuck up of the fight. I go back in to get a couple of things and to have the last word. I tell her it’s unbelievable how she’s treating me, and begin to walk back out, she follows me and says it’s no fucking wonder all of my relationships have failed. That triggers me and I say, “my relationships? You push every man youve been with, you just push and push until they break” and walk out. I admit that was a horrible thing to say to her. Of which I’ve extensively apologized when we first talked about the fight. Her former marriage was Very abusive physically. And she interpreted this as me saying he had every right to beat the shit out of her because shes mean. To be honest that thought wasn’t in my mind. I just meant if you have no control of yourself emotionally and just attack and yell, men don’t want to stay, as in, “yours have all failed too”. I knew coming into this she had some paranoia and diagnosed PTSD from that relationship. She’s undergone extensive therapy for it, and is quite proud of how far she has come. Honestly Im proud of her too. This is the negative side of my wife. Not ally she is the sweetest most loving and caring person in the world. Spends almost all of her time doing things for her kids, her mom, or me. But she gets in these moods where she lets herself run unchecked and sometimes I can see her look at me, and all she can see his her ex. Like she’s blinded from fear and her PTSD takes over. I haven’t known how to encourage more therapy. She doesn’t understand she needs more and is quite sensitive to the whole thing. I love her dearly. We both love the children. Since we have been married their life has drastically improved. Our daughters anxiety has subsided, our son stopped lashing out and hitting. It’s been a huge major positive in their life. I love being a Dad. My heart aches because I don’t want to leave them, that kind of hurt to them would make a life changing impact. It’s tough.
TLDR: Description of the fight and I said some mean things, we might separate. There are also 2 wonderful children involved that will bear the impact of our childishness should we divorce.
First – she’s lying…. she knows exactly where the ring is. 2nd – you chose unwisely. You talk about the ring in ways that you should be talking about the woman… the ring means nothing without the woman so there’s a disconnect there — YOU don’t seem to be concerned with the idea of losing the woman — that’s either because she’s not worth keeping or you yourself have some fucked up values and priorities that are probably a reflection of why your relationship is failing in the first place.
Sounds like a very impulsive person. Dangerous to be married to someone like that.
This is indeed the end, unfortunately. That’s BIG disrespect on her part. I couldn’t be married to someone who disrespected our marriage and our vows like that. I’m sorry this happened to you. You deserve better.
I think this relationship is over. She threw away a ring you put your heart and soul into for months over an argument, and that is messed up. I don’t even have advice for this, I’m so sorry.
No-one mentions how he seems to care more about the ring itself than the marriage it’s supposed to symbolize?
We got a whole history on the ring, but not her or the marriage. 😀
In the divorce sue for the ring
I’m confused. It sounds as if the ring is more important than your wife. If that’s the case – or if that’s her perception – then yeah, I’d say your relationship is history.
I do think she has that ring somewhere. Maybe you can get it back in the divorce.
Hi OP, I’m so sorry this is happening to you. I have a similar relationship to jewelry. I love it so much, and sometimes, they hold significant memories and sentiments to me. I lost a really special ring to me in college. I went to a huge university, but I did everything in my power to find it again. I tore apart my room, I put up signs, I created an email for the Lost & Found posters, I asked all the places and staff members around my dorm, I consulted a psychic (no, really, I did), I contacted my dorm advisor and then the cops when someone answered my ad but then started extorting me. One cop just told me it’s futile because the ring only costs $20. Unsurprisingly, I was pissed. Another cop told me it’s extortion and tried to help me fish out the asshole. It turned out he never had it. I told my music professor who told me to let it go because people are desperate, and being safe is the most important thing. So I let it go…
Then, I finally found it. In my own room. In a place I’ve looked in ten times over. I don’t know how. I really thought it was quite magical. I was so happy and relieved. There’s a sad, second saga to this story, but it’s not relevant now. Objectively, which even I was conscious of at the time, it was just a ring, it wasn’t worth much, it didn’t cost much, it’s actually not even very aesthetically pleasing, but it meant the world to me.
I’ve made and created jewelry and still do. From a design aspect, it takes a lot of work, a lot of mulling, a lot of love and effort. From a finished product aspect, there’s so much pride and contentment that you’ve created something.
This is all to say that I’ve imagined and designed my wedding rings a thousand times over. I still don’t know how they’ll end up.
One of my close friend’s husband also designed her ring. We agree that it doesn’t quite look like what he intended, but we are both moved and respect the meaning behind the ring. If she lost it, I’ll help her go dumpster diving all over the city.
If your wife truly threw away your wedding band, that’s a slap in the face to you, to your marriage, to the respect someone who cares for you and loves you would behave.
If she’s hosting your ring hostage, she’s being manipulative and vindictive. From your post, she was aware, if she didn’t watch you flip your house upside down, the lengths you went to to find your ring.
Either way, it’s terrible. You were upset, very upset, anxious, and distressed. If she did throw away the ring, a sliver of light would be if she felt truly remorseful and tried to make the situation right. If she held your ring hostage, a saving grace would be to immediately drop the ploy and apologize.
Instead, she doesn’t seem regretful at all. She doesn’t care about your feelings. She doesn’t respect you in a basic human way, much less as a husband and someone she chose to love forever.
For most situations, I’d always play the devil’s advocate because ending a relationship or a marriage is a huge decision, but in this case, I would really advocate for you to leave. When someone becomes this resentful in a relationship, it might take a lot of work and time to mend this, if at all. In the present, there seems to be nothing to salvage here.
I’m really sorry. Take care, and be gentle to yourself. 💖
Update
She lied. She was hiding it. Still psychotic and emotionally manipulative. Even better she tried gaslighting me when I pushed her about it. She said to me, “have you even looked at where you normally put it?”. Obviously I had scoured all around that area, came back today and she had sat it on my desk like it was never gone.