Maybe I just can’t read social cues correctly but I always feel like it’s hard to find a gap when you could speak. If I try, I will likely accidentally talk at the same moment as someone else.
This is why I prefer either 1on1 conversations or text group chats, because in both cases you actually have space to express yourself.
It bothers me because I am an extrovert and I start feeling oddly withdrawn if I don’t get to participate with the group in the conversation.
Anyone feels the same way?
And what is this actually about, do I just suck at reading the cues?
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In my experience group conversations are 90% people interrupting each other. I think you kind of have to interrupt people if you want to say anything, though the topic should be on the same person ideally (eg if someone is talking about going to a concert, your interruption should be about *that person*’s experience at concerts)
Yeah, and I’m often cool with just listening to interesting conversations and enjoying the vibe but some people just can’t let that happen. They either make it awkward by saying something or push you away.
Oh this is a fun one! I’ve experienced this a significant amount. Similar to you I always prefer 1 on 1 conversations. So, start a 1 on 1 conversation with the person next to you. Sometimes you have a nice quick chat but other times people will zone out of what the loud person is saying and listen in on your guy’s conversation. They’ll eventually pitch in and boom, you had your chance to talk and someone else took it over from there. Now people will pause and hear you more often cause you started the topic
This can irritate me – not because I’m quiet, but that it can prevent me from talking to someone quietly, one-on-one. Then I remember what my school teacher used to say – “Empty vessels make the most noise”.
This is especially hard for me because I will realize there’s not going to be a gap and just start talking, but someone else will start talking at the same time. And that will happen 5 or 6 times, where I’m trying to talk and keep getting cut off. Eventually I’ll just start talking and not stop for an interruption and someone else will start talking even louder over me. So I’ll just trail off and give up. It’s been happening my whole life and I only a few years ago started fighting to be heard, but it rarely works. It always leaves me wondering wtf is wrong with me
I am introverted, but enjoy sharing experiences with people. Individuals can be difficult to connect with and it just gets worse the larger the group. I can say that I recently went against the grain and stopped drinking at parties because I wanted to make the most of our time together. What I found is that I learn a lot about other people and rarely get to talk about myself. I’ve become more attentive and a better listener. The social cues come and often I’m the smartest one in the room which is rare. 😀
Yep, I still haven’t cracked this.
My tactic is the find the people who aren’t as engaged in the conversation and start a mini-conversation with them.
I know its not applicable to all situations but something that allieved the stress I felt from this was simply reminding myself its okay to listen! Not saying you’re trying to talk over anyone, OP, from what I’ve read here it seems like you’re having the opposite problem.
But I wanted to share my lil nugget for anyone who might relate. I used to find myself stressed out with group convos bc of people talking over others/me, and I’d get irritated when I felt I wasnt being heard. So to help end that irritation I just go to the idea of “okay I’m just gonna listen now!” but not in a spiteful way.
There is an improv game called “no doubles”. All participants need to count from 1 to 20 in a random order without giving any signals to other players. If players interups each ither by saying the same number, game restarts.
Whenever i tried it, the people with low social skills always interupted. And those are easy to spot. You, just by paying attention to the gaps, are not one of them.
When people get in the rythm of the game they can do it easily, like we always do in group conversations.
However, after a long period of just listening, you are out of the conversation rythm because other people got used to 5 people speaking, instead of 6.
You can join in or stay in the conversation just by actively listening to them “uhum,” “yeah”, repeat what they said,… Until you are in the conversation again.
You can also tell something to person next to you and usually others will try to hear what you said.
That being said, i have some friends who want to talk but are not contributing to the conversation so they get ignored or shushed.
Sometimes it is easier to start a new conversation with people in the closest proximity to you, than breaking the flow of the whole group.
Just burp really loud. That will get em.
This happens to me all the time..i try to speak in group and even if they listen ..they stop for sometime and then continue their conversation..I think what I say is not understood my them..or I’m in the wrong group of people..that’s all
Also sometimes people who are more quiet and wait for the right time to talk and are more thoughtful with what they say tend to be really powerful in a way. Like your words mean more. So if you want to be quiet that is also okay!
Ahhh I feel this at work more than anywhere. I feel really anxious when talking in groups and it sucks because my role is supposed to be talkative and ‘smart’. It hasn’t served me well in my career and I dont know how to change it 😞
Trying to break it down and understand it logically is probably the incorrect step to fixing something like this. Instead you gotta just speak up and figure out how to join a group convo in a meaningful way
Today there are absolutely no rules. People became loud, irritable and nervous. Everyone thinks they are right. No matter how you behave, it’s good for someone, but not for someone. I personally do not like to be in the company of noisy and arrogant people.