When this happens, I often get some combination of the following vibes from the person:
* “No, I’m not letting you off the hook that easily.”
* “That’s nice, but I’m not at all convinced you fully appreciate just how awful I feel, and the role your actions played in me feeling this way.”
* “I want to see you squirm/ grovel/ lower your status/ beg me for mercy. That apology felt glib to me, and I doubt that you’re truly as contrite as you say you are. You just want out of the hot seat. Well, you deserve this being an awkward and uncomfortable experience for me, and I’m going to keep attacking you until I can see you’re uncomfortable.”
When this kind of thing happens, it makes me want to get angry at the person, along the lines of, *Look buddy, I already said I was sorry. The hell do you want from me?*. But I never say this, because this never helps the situation. I have been known to gently sigh, turn my palms up, and calmly say, “What can I do to make this situation better?” This nearly always stops the tirade, but often the person will seethe.
I was taught that if I do someone wrong, all I really owe them is an apology and genuine offer to fix it. I don’t owe the person a diminution of my status. I don’t owe it to someone to let them beat me up or take out their frustrations on me. Is there a better way to frame and deal with such situations than I’m evincing here?
2 comments
give em a yeah, you’re right. and reiterate their position for them to show you’ve heard them.
do that for a bit, then throw in a ‘well, good chatting. i’ve got to duck off now.’
Just reading this post I think I could identify at least a half-dozen issues. But to answer your specific question – no one has to accept your apology. They can stay mad forever. You can’t just do x and expect y. Something about this post feels manipulative, maybe it is why the apology isn’t accepted. It may not seem sincere and by this post, I’m not really sure it is.
I could be completely reading this wrong. If I am I’m sorry.
If you want a better response from them. Accept that they don’t have to accept it. Forgiveness is earned and not necessarily with an apology/offering to make it right on your timetable.