I needed somewhere to put this. I am enraged, sad, indignant, so many things that all in all I actually just feel numb.

I’m going to put as much context as I can without making this unreadably long. My mom is, always has been, and always will be “messed up.” In my 33 years of life I can’t truly pin down her issues because most of the info on her life & childhood trauma/mental illness is self-reported and she embellishes EVERYTHING. If you know the term in psychology “help-rejecting complainer”, that is what this is. It is the textbook definition of what I’ve dealt with my whole life. Along with tons of other (diagnosed but untreated) issues. Because she REFUSES all treatment. She was on involuntarily hold in a psych ward when I was in high school and she’s attempted suicide many times, one of which (bottle of pills) I found her/saved her from after school when I was a kid. She brags about sweet-talking the doctor into releasing her from the psych ward. Apparently she preferred to stick around and make my life a living hell instead.

ANYWAYS, now she’s aging and has NOTHING and nobody in her life except for me and her on/off boyfriend of 15 years who is a *complete and total narcissistic POS* who does nothing but emotionally abuse her and make her life hell.

The other night she texted me saying she had a major major crisis, I thought she was dying but she refused to tell me what’s going on. I already knew her boyfriend was racist because she told me ever since I’ve been with my husband, who is black. I am white.

I really pressed her to find out what this “crisis” was bc I was worried. I thought it was health related. Turns out the “crisis” was that he found out I was pregnant with his child and had a fit. They had a huge blowout fight over the phone. ALONG WITH the fact that she said it got “very very nasty and personal and he said horrible things about me and my family” which I’m sure is like some curse on my mixed unborn baby. I told her it was a slap in the face that she continues to stay with him and her response was “Well how does it feel?! YOU continue to associate with Cathleen” (my dad’s GF of 19 years who has done nothing to my mom since they divorced in 19-fucking-98.

I calmly got off the phone but I am fucking done, what makes it worse is I’m traveling right now and didn’t bring my home Doppler like an idiot, I can’t feel my baby move very often as I’m 17 weeks with an anterior placenta and I already woke up today wanting to check on him. Oh and the place I’m traveling to right now is her town (I moved across the country from her first chance I got) and I’ll be expected to see her before I leave on Thursday morning. I also have a 10 year old son and it breaks my heart that that’s his fucking grandma.

If you made it this far thanks for watching the shit show and helping me feel less alone.

I don’t know what to do. The only way I’ve ever gotten anywhere with her was to just smile & nod. It feels like abuse right now

7 comments

  2. Sounds like you and your kids would be better off without her in your life.

    I know it’s hard, but she’s made her choices, now you have to decide if you really want to keep this kind of person in your life, or cut her out for good and move on

  4. This is just usually what happens when you date out of race, it’s just the risks you have to take

  5. There are some cesspits in life that are just too deep to keep playing on the edge of. Honestly reflect on your life now and consider what actual tangible benefit she brings to your life, other than the mild satisfaction of feeling like you have family? I foresee harm to your children, harm to your relationship, harm to you and your husband individually.

    I went pretty much NC with my family when I was 23, and managed to continue that up to today, 34 years later. At no point did I regret it, although I many times regretted that they weren’t people I missed or a family where I could feel the warm embrace of kinship. You may be expected to visit her, but think about how much of a weight off your shoulders it would be if you just didn’t. Not now, not ever. Think about how the skies would clear and sun come out metaphorically if you just cancelled connection. Sure you’d be upset, sure you’d miss that vague fantasy of having a loving parent, but really the dark massively overcomes the light when it comes to your interactions with her.

    What do you actually get from her that is positive, and what do you get that is negative, and is the one worth the other? At the end of the day, you owe her nothing now, her own stupidity and intransigence has left her where she is with who she is, and that’s not something you should feel a debt to support. You just don’t, and really however guilty you feel, is it really enough to justify the damage this woman continues to do in your life and to your own mental health? Where’s your breaking point and when will you be overwhelmed by your history with her? How far are you going to labour under the weight of thinking you deserve to be her donkey, carrying her from one self made disaster to another?

  6. I wouldn’t want my baby to be around that negativity. I would make a boundary with your mother that says as long as she is still with her boyfriend, you and your baby will be off limits. Tell her you won’t tolerate anyone judging your baby like that.

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