I do love eating her out because I like to see her cum but sex doesn’t do much for me. She’s super attractive and I like the idea of having sex.
But this is my first relationship and for 10 years I’ve been used to masturbating. I really like it. It’s comfortable and I know exactly what gets me off better than anyone else could.
I’ve never watched porn before so it’s not that. I’ve never been addicted to it. I guess I’m just having trouble enjoying sex after so many years of pleasuring myself. She doesn’t know I’m apathetic about sex. I don’t want to hurt her feelings but I’m just going through the motions.
35 comments
take a break from jerking off, your body and brain are too used to your hand
Could mutual masturbation be an option? I like waking up with my partner and just jerking off together while smelling and kissing him. It’s still very sexy and there’s less pressure to ‘perform’
Look up r/autosexual
Question: Do you have sexual attraction towards your partner? I’m not saying you don’t love her, nothing about the quality/depth of your relationship, just about the emotion of sexual attraction. I ask because a ton of my ace friends started saying similar things before.
From some of your comments I wonder if your not sexually compatible
Try identifying what precisely do you like so much when you masturbate and then communicating with her by telling her what do you like, how do you like it etc. so she can make you feel as good (or better^^) as when you do it yourself
Is it weird that i have never cum from sex? I’d much rather masterbate…also im straight i love guys but when i watch porn i only watch lesbians to get off…anyone?
Have you communicated with her about this? You mentioned that you know what gets you off better than anyone else, so maybe think about what those things are and have an open discussion. I’m sure she’d be willing to learn and I’m guessing that you haven’t communicated because you also mentioned she doesn’t know you’re apathetic about sex.
Great sex needs great communication.
Break from masturbating is the start but with your experience it can take some time. You may show her the moves you like when she’s giving you a handjob. Also if you masturbate you may try adapting it to imitate movements closer to regular sex. You have to create connection between pleasure and sex again, kinda rediscover it as your body would naturally feel that connection if you weren’t masturbating so much.
My boyfriend is the same way, and to be honest it hurts my heart a little bit (or maybe a lot). He’d rather receive blow jobs and masturbate than have sex. He’s content with that. It’s been over a year and a half together and we still haven’t had sex. He said he’d stop masturbating in attempt to get him more excited for sex and that has yet to happen. Personally, getting tired of feeling like the only desirable thing about me is my mouth. Seems like we aren’t compatible in that way. Wish I would have known this before we started dating, but he lead me to believe that we would be having sex, just not right away. 😣😣
Dude…stop masterbating.
Seriously, you have very much normalised this and it’s comfortable for you to just please yourself.
Stop and you will become sensitive again with your woman. Just stop.
Have an open discussion about what feels good for you and how to do it. Then ask her the same.
Mutual could be something to explore, but I’d recommend masturbating less, and let yourself look forward to sex more
Finally, a guy who’s truthful.
Does the sex you have with your girlfriend ever focus just on your pleasure? Maybe that could be what you miss
Eat her out first and then get her to suck your nipples while you masturbate to finish yourself off. You could try 69 as a finisher too. That being said, sex can be good too. You could start using a Fleshlight for a while to ease into it. The more you’d be willing to step out of your comfort zone, the more you’ll discover.
Do you love your girlfriend? You can think someone is hot but for some people, if you don’t have the right feelings, sex is no better than fucking your hand.
Just because you’re a guy, don’t assume that T&A is all you should need to enjoy sex.
It’s no wonder you’re not desiring her if she’s expecting you to get her off every day. You might be in a bit of a pickle here because if you tell her you’re not enjoying it she will be hurt. If you don’t say anything you won’t find a way to be satisfied. Maybe you could suggest building tension by having a break for a week and then going on a date and trying something different in the bedroom. Tell her it’s your fantasy to have her masturbate you to completion and show her how. After a week of not being able to touch each other you’ll probably have built up some excitement.
Hate to be blunt but Your relationship is not going to last. You are sexually incompatible at least, but more importantly, you don’t have good communication skills with each other.
If we are all honest then 1-3 of our top 5 orgasms have been thru masturbating. But with partnered sex, you get emotions and hormones that you do not get alone.
The hormones are scientific fact and it helps us stay a couple! The emotions kinda of depend on your partner and what you like about partnered sex. Being naked in front of someone else: scared and slightly embarrassed or confident and in control; even affirming of your self.
Someone else’s mouth or fingers are never gonna equal masturbation as far as effortless. Like you said, you know when to add pressure and when to go slower/faster, tease yourself, or release. The joy of a partner is in the NOT knowing what they’ll do. Edging you when you really want to get off or switching techniques when you’d prefer a slightly different speed. The fun is how your body adjusts to create the pressure, speed, rhythm you need to get off. And again, how your partner than reacts to your reactions.
You don’t feel that! You can decide later, with more experience, if you don’t feel that with ANYBODY or just with her.
Either way, you cannot keep up what you’re doing and you will eventually break up so you might as well bite the bullet discuss sex with her. There are plenty of things to try if she’s willing. If she isn’t, then that just further demonstrates that she’s not the person for you.
Sounds like she is not all that in bed. I had the same issue till I met my current girlfriend. Most girls are just boring in the bedroom and expect way to much outside of the bedroom. Such is life
Is she a pillow princess? (Aka dosnt do much of the “work” of sex?)
I’m a switch and found thru failed relationships I just can’t be a sub or a dom all the time. I need active participation- sometimes take over- sometimes allow partner too.
It could be fun to show her how you touch yourself and see if she can replicate it. Or talk about fantasy’s and do some role play.
I’d also say, don’t have sex with her if it’s not pleasing you. Or maybe find ways to spice it up that feel fun. If it was genders reversed- everyone would be big mad telling you to not just have sex for your partner. You wouldn’t be posting if you didn’t feel frustrated with the situation.
Also, check out tantric sex stuff. You don’t even need to have sex to practice this- breathing deeply together, sensual massages, pleasure mapping each other, etc. generally it’s about intimacy, which you want to give her, but you haven’t been because your needs aren’t being met. real intimacy happens when both people feel safe, vulnerable, satisfied and pleasured (in the sexual context). Sounds like your current set up isn’t doing that for ya. So it’s also doing a disservice to her and your relationship.
Do something new, buy a sex toys like [Bongage Toys](https://www.amusex247.com/productsamusex247?Collection=Bondage+Toys) to make fun of your relationship. It can drastically increase the excitement of your sexual interactions.
This was me with my ex. I didn’t love her and we were not sexually compatible.
How active is she in the things you do? If you’re doing everything and she’s just laying back and enjoying it, then consider if she should be putting more effort into foreplay and doing things to make it more exciting for you.
Sex shouldn’t be a one-way thing unless you’re doing stuff in turns or have a specific arrangement about it. I spent about 8 years in a similar situation to you and it doesn’t get better, only worse. Don’t make the same mistake as I did, tell her early on that you need reciprocation, you need to feel like an equal partner rather than making sex something you do for her.
It might feel right to be super generous and make it all about your partner, but in the long run, she won’t appreciate it because she’ll just think you like it like that. The only thing that’ll make it better for you is to learn to be more selfish sometimes. As long as you keep it in balance and don’t go too far the other way, it’ll be better for both of you.
Stop masturbating on your own and tell / guide her what you’d prefer.
It might take a while but it will be worth it.
You are just Lazy. Start working out and stop your laziness. Masturbation is easy compared to learning sex. That’s why you prefer it. Push yourself to have sex a few times, once you learn it you’ll like it more.
Do you use condoms when doing PIV? I find they kill sensation so much for me that PIV is a chore that I only do for my partner (but I really love eating her out, so it’s not a “don’t find them sexy” thing)
(And before someone says something, yes, I’ve tried ALL the brands and sizes, but even the least-worst is still utter crap compared to my hand/raw)
I understand where you are coming from. But I learned to appreciate sex as more than just the orgasm.
There are many sensations and experiences that you can’t just have on your own.
Like you mentioned, going down on her, hearing dirty talk, feeling oral, fore play, getting a prostate massage, etc
I have problem achieving orgasm myself. A mix of porn habits and medication issues.
But I still crave the experience. I would urge you to talk to her about sexual exploration. There are many kinks/experiences that I think you would enjoy.
Plus you also need to speak up for what you like. I also struggle to ask for what I want. Whether I might be judged, or they may not be into it. It is awkward… But I can tell you. Its borderline impossible for them to know what you like unless you tell them… Often times very bluntly.
I feel like part of your issue is just laziness. I don’t mean that in a rude way, but there is no other way to say it. You would rather masturbate cause it’s easier… you don’t have to exert yourself at all. Sex takes work, but getting sweaty and getting your heart pumping is part of the fun. Sex is no good if you just try to laze your way through it. Now, if you are the one doing all the work I can understand being tired of it, but I think if you flip your attitude towards how much effort it takes you might enjoy it a whole lot more.
It’s clear you are sexually incompatible. Ask yourself this, two months, six months, a year later you’re still feeling the same way, are you ok with that?
In reponse to you not wanting to hurt her feelings – I think by emphasizing that this isn’t a her problem, it’s you, may make it easier to discuss. Please for her sake (and yours), don’t keep this issue in the dark. If she hasn’t picked up on it yet, she will. Even if it’s subconscious. A lot of people equate sex with emotional connection and that could be how she’s harvesting happiness. It’s okay if you’re not in the same boat, but I think it’s vital to discuss, because to be honest, this doesn’t sound sustainable. And it doesn’t feel fair to your partner, either.
Hey so, lots of good answers here, but have you considered you might be asexual and sex neutral? Grey-ace? Something like that? The asexuality spectrum is a spectrum, it’s not all 100% revulsion to sex.
Do you feel intimate with her? Do you feel you can open up to her? Your feelings, your true self?
Are you afraid of something? Of being judged? Of being vulnerable?
Therapy may help you.
I can relate with you, when i was your age I went through this phase, and I thought I was assexual, but it was traumas and wrong beliefs.
That’s totally normal. We tend to be very critical of men’s sexual behavior so I can tell you rn that a lot of commenters are going to try and tell you this is a problem and that it is your fault. They’re going to talk about death grip or porn addiction.
The truth is there are plenty of men and women out there that feel the same way. I personally enjoy masturbation over sex if we’re just talking about physical pleasure. Sex is a lot of work and there’s always a possibility that you might not orgasm or the orgasm might not be worth the effort. At least with masturbation the pleasure is garaunteed and the effort is minimal.
The way I see it, there are two sets of issues here:
1. You prefer masturbating to sex with your girlfriend.
2. Your girlfriend doesn’t know that you aren’t enjoying sex with her.
Let’s deal with these one at a time. The more important issue is that your girlfriend doesn’t know how you feel. You should talk with her about what you like, what you don’t like, and ways that your sex life can be better. There are a lot of ways that this situation can be improved, but all of them begin by talking with her.
Now, as to preferring masturbation over sex: there’s nothing wrong with that, and it’s possible that that’s never going to change. That’s why you need to talk with your GF now to deal with the way things are now. But it’s also possible that some other things are going on.
Maybe it’s a simple mechanical issue like condoms. Are the condoms too tight, too loose, or otherwise irritating? Not all condoms work for me, and I’d certainly rather masturbate than attempt sex with condoms that don’t fit.
Likewise, not all sex positions are equally stimulating for the penis-owner. You haven’t said what positions you’ve tried, but some positions do provide more stimulation.
Less obviously, it could be a matter of practice. I didn’t cum the first time I had sex with someone with a vagina, and anecdotally, I’ve heard of some guys not even cumming for the first month of having sex. Sex is very different from masturbation in terms of both the mechanics, the sensations, and the thought process, and it takes getting used to. It’s possible that you’re simply not used to everything. The way to get used to it is to just have sex more.
You mentioned in another comment that you don’t like everything that goes with sex. That’s also a conversation to have with your GF. I’m not sure what you meant by “everything that goes with sex”. Whatever it is, you and your girlfriend have to figure out some way to deal with these now. You might learn to love some of this “everything”; there might be some ways to have sex without some of these things that you’re not enjoying; and maybe the best compromise would be to have less penetrative sex and more other activities like mutual masturbation, or maybe even less sex altogether. Maybe there are forms of sex that you would enjoy now, and maybe there are forms of sex that you could enjoy. But you need to talk to your girlfriend so you can figure it out.