So we talked about the cigarettes (reference old post if you want), and she agreed to quit. I was VERY open about putting money aside for them or for help-quitting products, and she was FIRM about her quitting and not needing to set money aside (we got paid today). So I’m updating our budget app, we use EveryDollar (highly recommend) and I see on my card’s app that she spent $7.70 more than she told me she did at the gas station… I ask her about it, and she comes out that she did indeed buy more cigarettes. I type a long message about it to her, expressing my frustration and she just replies with a “K.” Here’s the message:
>I’m really disappointed that you bought the cigarettes after we talked about it yesterday. I asked you over and over again if we needed to add them to the budget and you assured me that you were quitting. We can spend money on nicotine patches or lozenges or whatever if you want to try quitting with help from a product, but please do not spend our money on those again. If we need to dedicate spending money for each other out of the budget each month so that we each have a little money for ourselves, then I am on board with that, but we came up with a hardline budget for the month and cigarettes are NOT in it. We talked about how expensive they will get by the end of a budget period and we do not have that kind of money to throw away right now. Please do not do that again.
Should I expect more than “K.” from a message like that? I’m worried she’s just going to keep ignoring me and buying them anyways and that I’m going to have to like ration money to her like a child or something, since she does all the shopping as a SAHM.
19 comments
I am a former smoker and I can tell you that all your efforts to control her won’t work until she is ready to commit to quitting. Talking about it and doing it are two different things. I “decided” to quit well before I actually did it. The day that I stopped smoking and never did it again there was no discussion, no announcement, and no ringing a bell. It was a quiet resignation that came from me for me and no one else. You trying to manage her won’t work. It’s also not good to offer lozenges and gum and other nicotine products because you’re just swapping one Vice for another. I understand you want her to quit for her own health and for your own sanity but I get the feeling it’s more about you for you than her in your tone, and it won’t work. She’s not a child so stop treating her like one. You come off as very controlling and I would be buying cigarettes just to get back at you if I was really having a hard time. Just saying. The actual smoking was the easiest part to quit, what was truly difficult to manage was the way I had to change up my entire routine and the mental addiction to the ritual of smoking. If I had a husband riding my ass about it the whole time I doubt I could do it.
She acknowledged it.
Sometimes K is all you get even though it’s very frustrating to have that as a response to a long message.
I honestly don’t have the time nor bandwidth to be concerned with what exactly my husband purchased every time he spends money at a store. We set a budget and he’s a grown up. If he spent a minor amount of money on something that wasn’t line itemed, he’d make it up by not buying his desserts out of the grocery budget. He’d be annoyed with getting such a text and so would I if the shoe was on the other foot. I mean if she’s doing it every other day, then yes, a conversation needs to be had but this was one time the day after you talked about it.
Sadly, she will quit when ready. However, purchase this book, “Stop Smoking the Easy Way.” Allen Carr. I read this book and quit. This is after 20 plus years of smoking. The author states in the first chapter…KEEP SMOKING WHILE READING THIS BOOK. Carr reverse engineers the readers mind concerning cigarettes. It is great book to help stop smoking.
chantax might help her, it helped my Ma get off cigarettes. Nicotine addiction is reportedly as bad if not worse than opioid addiction.
Taking into account the posts on your account, I understand the problem goes deeper than just this issue. She’s a serial budget breaker and spends money you don’t have and your family is struggling to make ends meet which is difficult. I think you’re right to be unhappy because she made an agreement with you and then broke it without communicating it.
I’m not an addict so I can’t really say what that is like but hopefully others who have wrestled with that particular beast might chime in and give some advice about how to approach this issue. It’s a difficult situation because you don’t want to be the bad guy, but also want to be able to pay your bills. Hopefully there is a compromise to be had
Tough situation you are in. 1800quitnow sent me free aids to quit smoking. I used the lozenges and have been clean and free of all nicotine for almost 2 years. It helps only if K is open and willing to accept the help. Recovery from anything is not for the ones who need it or for the ones who want it. Recovery is for those who work for it.
You can nag and nag and nag. She’ll never quit for you or because of budgets or friends etc. the only way she’s going to quit is if SHE wants to quit. Ex smoker.
I didn’t want quit, but my wife and kids wanted me too so I went on Chantix. Within a week, I got nothing out of cigarettes so I stopped buying them. After 3 months of Chantix, I was over the need for cigarettes. Still miss them from time to time, though. It’s expensive short term, but without Chantix I would’ve continued to sneak cigarettes as the urge was overwhelming.
Nagging me about a $7.70 purchase at a gas station would net a block, not a “k”. How about you stop being controlling and let her quit without all this pressure? Weaning/tapering off cigarettes was what ultimately worked for me in the past.
Why is this a communication sent over text?
You we’re clearly attempting to indicate to us that you were having a serious conversation with your wife, so why choose text as the method?? If this is truly how you feel about it, don’t you think it deserves a face-to-face conversation?
And – way to use the budget as a hammer!
You act as if you are a victim of her actions and there no way out except her accepting blame for something bad and promising to never do it again. Instead of the budget hammer, maybe get curious about why she would say one thing and do another. Maybe, with genuine curiosity, ask her! Treat your wife like you are both on the same team, rather than adversaries who are either right or wrong.
This is something Dave has addressed and the issue isn’t the spending: it’s breaching an agreement you made as a team and the lying. Right? So, Dave suggests in this instance either she gets on board and helps set the budget and has an actual say not just you saying this is this, but an actual voice OR you have to go to a cash based budget so she can’t overspend. Hello from a fellow Ramsey follower.
So, first, tobacco is one of the most addictive substances out there. Quitting is hard. That doesn’t excuse what she’s doing, but this is a bit different than impulsively buying a case of Twinkies.
That said… do you want to spend the rest of your marriage being the budget police?
Smoked 50 years. Last 18 a half pack a day. Quit many times. Its notttt easy. One day it will happen. Either a medical or some other scare. She has to cut back slowly. 770 a pack Thats cheap. I was payin over 880 two years ago when i quit. 4 packs a week. A lot of dough a month. Just keep at it and stop certain triggers that you smoke too
Your text was patronizing. “Please do not do it again” specifically makes it sound like you’re talking to a 2-year-old, not your spouse. Why do you get to tell her what she can and can’t spend? Budgeting is a joint decision, which fair enough, you did acknowledge, but you erased that acknowledgement with your last line.
You’re speaking to her like she’s a moron, honestly. I get that the smoking is an issue, but you need to go back to the drawing board on finding a compromise. This text wasn’t it.
The scolding you delivered was exactly perfectly answered with “K”. Anyone on the receiving end of that message is going to feel defensive and like you are looking for a fight.
Why not give her the benefit of the doubt and ask her how quitting is going? How she is feeling about it? Declare your enthusiastic support for every victory she makes. Why not at least speak with her in person rather than sending a text?
It It is “our money” which means you don’t get to be dictatorial about it
Try 1800quit now for free patches or other stop smoking aids.
Just start budgeting some spending money for her and you each month. Don’t ask her if she needs it, assume that she does. She needs a little money. Honestly if my husband noticed that I spent $7.70 on something and question me about it I would be annoyed.