Sorry this is long, will post TLDR at bottom.
For context: this friend hit me up last minute to watch her dog this past weekend; one night, into the morning. The first red flag should have been when she told me she had gotten a hotel room that was pet friendly, but she was having anxiety over bringing him due to his behavior. She was uncertain of what to anticipate from him while she was away/worried about a noise complaint. I told her I would do it; she’s had him forever, I figured he was trained and it would be an easy enough time.
It wasn’t until well after the agreement was made and I was well into the task that I learned a couple of things. 1. This dog absolutely has no training, and 2. She’s never left him alone with anyone except for her family before.
I didn’t sleep at all during the night because he appears to have separation anxiety and would not settle. He also has a chase fixation, to the point where if you don’t throw the ball, he will bark, cry, etc. for literally almost an hour at a time. Every movement or sound made in the nighttime meant it was play time to him.
He does not understand common commands, such as “no,” “all done,” or hand gestures. Additionally, she would not let me walk him, because she was concerned about his behavior on a leash with me and what that would look like. Instead, she told me to put potty pads down because he would “know the drill.” Another red flag. He’s not a puppy, disabled. sick, or elderly.
When I texted her to ask what to do to settle him, she just told me she didn’t know and that he’d just want to keep going. Then she apologized.
The following morning, I had to crate him and it was awful. He ran, hid, and made me chase him. Refused to go in. He weighs well over 60 lbs and I had to lift him to get him in. I was not warned that this would be a challenfe, and when I texted her about it all she said was that she also has to lift him to get him to go in.
Later in the evening, I was reprimanded by this friend for not putting enough potty pads down/guilted with a statement about how she’d have to rent a carpet cleaner again to clean what trickled off the pad.
I responded by telling her that I was very sorry, and that it had been a long week (it had, I have panic disorder and I almost didn’t make rent, I had panic attacks every day during the week), and that the evening had been very challenging in addition. Any errors I made were truly errors, etc.
She knows it went poorly and has been skirting asking me how things went, or acknowledging that I had a rough time. I told her I needed space from people this week because I was overstimulated. It’s definitely the truth, and I definitely also need some time to process everything and be less stimulated. I’m also using this time to try to figure out how to best confront her.
I’m usually very good with crucial conversations, but this one is challenging for a couple of reasons. For starters, it sucks to have to tell someone you care about that they aren’t doing enough for their animal. Additionally, she is my only friend that doesn’t handle feedback well. Everything is an attack, and everything is personal. I cancelled on her last week due to fatigue (panic disorder is exhausting when you’re having panic attacks regularly and stressed), and she told me that I had hurt her feelings. It wasn’t anything personal, I just needed rest. She also thinks I’m angry with her currently. I wouldn’t say I’m angry. I am definitely processing everything though, and I am definitely disappointed.
TLDR—how do I approach someone I care about deeply but who views all feedback as an attack about how their poorly trained dog behaved for me this weekend/things that she might consider doing better to improve the quality of both of their lives (and anyone who is subject to watching him in the future)?
4 comments
“Hey, I know you are concerned about how it went with the dog. Frankly it was tough. There’s nothing wrong with him but often certain dogs or breeds of dogs are more energetic or excitable and need some training from a professional. I think your life would be so much easier if a pro gave you and Dog a few lessons. Then you would be able to travel with him. Have you considered it?”
It’s true. A friend had a mellow lab and when he died she got a herding dog with an entirely different personality, energy level and needs.
Both good dogs but the shepherd needed training and a lot more exercise. Once she got those she was a delight.
I think you’ve told her plenty. She knows what the dog is like, she knows the situation is bad, but she’s the type of owner to shrug their shoulders and refuse to take responsibility (you mention family, so it’s likely they all play hot potato with the responsibility for training the dog i.e. in the end, no one will do it).
_Anything_ you say, no matter the phrasing or tone, will be an attack to her. She knows she’s a shitty owner and will snap back at you because of guilt. She’ll probably have an entire list of excuses for why she and her family won’t train the dog e.g. “he’s too old”, “he doesn’t listen”, “he’s not good with commands”, “the breed’s like that”, “I tried [for 2 minutes] and it didn’t work” — anything that doesn’t put the onus on her to do something.
If you want to keep her as a friend, don’t talk about the dog or offer to look after it again. If you can handle losing the friendship, you can tell her she’s a shitty owner and try to give her tips — however, there’s an 100% chance they’ll fall on deaf ears, so you might not want to waste your breath.
She really can’t complain that pee got on the carpet after she told you to put pee pads on the carpet and let the dog pee there. What did she expect?? Pee pads aren’t magic. She’s just a bad dog owner, and unfortunately she probably won’t change her ways.
I would tell her off for that and for expecting you to crate her dog when the dog isn’t crate trained and has to be physically forced or lifted into the crate. Approaching her calmly would be best, but I would be so mad in your shoes!
I think you should express that she was not honest with you about what the situation would entail. It’s not normal for a dog to pee inside or to be physically lifted into their crate, and she should have warned you about these special circumstances before you agreed to do it.
Update: I gave her the feedback. I was honest and gentle without being emotional. It was not well-received. But I feel better. Thanks everyone for your input!