advice on how to be more dominant in bed and giving a bj please

8 comments

1. The folks over at r/BDSMAdvice have tons of knowledge.

   The first thing they are going to tell you is to sit down, communicate and express limits. You’re going to have to be open about discussing needs, wants, and limits with your partner.

2. For being more dominant, talk to him and let him know your new to it and he might need to give you some direction. Ask him for a safe word so you’ll know if it’s too much. The biggest key is communicating before, during, after.
   For giving him a bj – it’s simpler than you think – pay attention to his body – look for signs of excitement, listen to him and his groans and moans – when he does that see how his body reacts. Tease him, have fun with it and talk some – ask him if he’d like you to do xyz, after you do something ask him. Use a low voice and whisper in his ears or look up at home and use dirty words.
   You’ll know if you hurt him – he’ll let you know and so will his body (losing his hard on etc). You might be surprised at how many people get excited from some pain.

   Biggest take away – have fun, tease him and always communicate.
   Ps – I think it’s awesome that you are willing to step out of your comfort zone to make it more pleasurable for your partner. I hope it goes amazing!!!

3. I found some time ago a wonderful article that I sadly have lost the link of, but here’s the most important bits:

   Domination and submission are about managing attention. As the dominant, it is your job to externalize your attention and make him internalize his. What does that mean? If you ever paid attention to what is said or done in BDSM, you will notice a clear pattern of focusing the sub on their own mental state and personhood: “you are such a good boy,” or “you want to touch me? You don’t deserve that,” or “you are a slut, my little dirty slut,” etc.

   Notice that the dom rarely involves themselves in the sentence, and when they do it is never as a subject but as a target for an action or motive, (eg “beg me to let you cum”). “I am your mistress” weakens the dom/sub dynamic, because it puts emphasis on yourself, and thus it opens the door to doubt. “You are my slave” instead reinforces it, despite saying the same thing, because it focuses and restricts the attention of the sub to themselves, so they cannot doubt your dominance, at most they can doubt their own submission.

   By internalizing his attention, you are putting him in a reactive stance, while you maintain an active stance. You are forcing him to react to what you said, to prove you wrong, and risk punishment, or prove you right, and thus obeying you. You are issuing him a challenge with every command or action, and he needs to respond (or not, not taking an action is also an action). And by doing so, you are taking away control and agency from him, by restricting his field of view to the point that he can only see what you have put in front of him.

   That said, there are many ways to be dominant, and many to be submissive. The main dynamic (aside from the above) is the giver/receiver dynamic, or where the effort is concentrated. Some dom/sub styles focus on the sub as the receiver (tying him up, inflicting pain, controlling their pleasure and orgasms), some instead focus on the dom (making them serve you, pleasure you, or entertain you). The two are not mutually exclusive, but it helps define what you like and what you don’t. The BDSM test can help with that part too.

4. Of course a good discussion is always a good first move. And I agree with the advice here up to this point in time.

   Jumping ahead (meaning you’ve done the other steps, your going to just start letting loose. Slap him, not too hard. Face, ass, cock, balls. If he likes it, do it again, but harder. He may want it harder than he knows, or then he’ll admit to you. When you’ve reached his tolerance level, he’ll tell you. The same applies to things like degradation (call him names / make fun of his cock / whatever). Start slow and build up. You can always ask check in questions along the way, and do so in a dominating way – for example, slap him and then say “is that hard enough for you” or “you liked that didn’t you” or “was that a good start?” Again, he should feel free to confirm or deny, and keep you both in the scene.

   Maybe get him close to cumming and then just walk away?

   As to head, suck every inch of him all around and do it with the gusto of a hungry person on the first meal. Be loud and sloppy. Used your hands, everywhere. Usually works.

   You need to find out what works for him, and the best way (after talking about it) is trying.

   I find slapping a girl a turn on, but only when the girls WANTS to be slapped. I didn’t know this about myself until a girl asked me to slap her.

   Let us know how it goes.

5. Yes, you should definitely have a conversation first. This advice is for after that.

   You can combine your two goals if you remember this: The point of a really mind blowing blowjob is **not** to make him come. The point of a really good blowjob is to give him a blowjob he’ll still be thinking about three days later. The blowjob is *your* territory. *He comes when YOU want him to.* If he starts to thrust against you, stop and give him a look like the librarian at his elementary school did, when he was misbehaving. This can also be dealt with by putting him on his back where you can hold him down. Sit on his legs. If he even *thinks* about putting his hand on the back of your head, you stop abruptly and smack his hand away. (Sounds like he might also be into you smacking his cock for that, but be careful if you do – start with a light smack and then inform him that it won’t be so light if he tries again. This is a fun way to find out if he wants you to smack him harder or not.) Ask him if he’d like you to continue, or if he wants to find out what happens when he keeps trying to take over. (If you need to back up that threat, you can grab his hands, put them over his head, and shove a pillow between the two. Instruct him not to take his hands out if he ever wants to come.) Tell him the more he tries to take over, or the longer it takes him to accept the fact that this is your blowjob, not his, the longer you will make him wait. Put him in his place.

6. Obviously discussion first, boundaries, etc.

   I found that letting my “bossy” side out was a good first step. I was incredibly worried about hurting my partner who wanted this, so I just started with bossing him around. I definitely would ask how things were going during the activities (too hard, how does that feel, etc) lots of check in during.

   You can include undressing as part of domming as well. He can only take off his/your clothes when you say he can. I usually have something in mind for what I want to do to him, so I instruct towards that. Asking questions like “do you want that” and following it up with “say please” or “do you think you deserve it” are good ways to extend the dirty/dom talk. Telling him not to touch you and keep his hands behind his head or something can be fun, and if he doesn’t listen he gets a slap or spank.

   You can definitely work BJs into this. Touching and kissing him while ignoring his penis can build anticipation. Running your nails/finger tips up and down his thighs, occasional gentle touches of his dick. Basically just drawing it out. You could throw a “tell me how much you want it” in before actually getting into the BJ.

   For actual sex, I still find it easier to dom when I’m physically on top. Whether or not he can touch you or certain areas. You control when PiV happens and how fast/long. Depending on abilities, you can tell him whether or not to finish. I will say, my first few times domming, I found it hard to finish while balancing all of this. I would usually get him finished and then later, we’d do more so I could. But that is entirely dependent on you guys.

   After care is very important for BOTH of you. Cuddling and being gentle is how I go about this. Gentle kisses, forehead kisses, running my hands/fingertips across their skin, holding hands, cuddles/snuggles.

   Then, later, really about what worked and what didn’t! It might take a bit to get good at it. And definitely he can have suggestions on what he wants to try.

7. r/deepthroat and r/throatpies are good places to start

8. So, the most important thing for a good BJ is enthusiasm. That translates a lot of different ways, but includes looking him the eyes, worshiping every inch of his dick, playing (gently) with his balls, etc. You want to communicate, with your actions, that there’s nowhere you’d rather be than down there playing with him.

   On to dominance. Everyone is going to be a little different, so the advice on communicating here is good. That said, if you get him up on his knees while blowing him you’ll be able to use both hands and reach his balls and ass. Clearly then you have a lot of control… I love it when my GF spanks my ass while blowing me. A few good slaps and I’ll cum quickly. Another option, if he seems to like an ass slap, is to take him over your knee for a good spanking if he’s taking too long. Or, while you have him in your mouth, get your hand back there and tickle his butthole a little. He’ll cum in seconds.