gf gets tense and has extreme cramps before sex. How do I go about it?
Tl;DR : my gf is a virgin and has extreme cramps and nervousness whenever we attempt to have sex. She wants to get drunk and have sex but I refuse.
I (23 m) have been with my gf (f 23) for about 2 months and she’s wonderful. We connect very well and have a lot of things in common. We met at college and she’ll come over to my dorm every so often.
Lately, we’ve been discovering more about each other through physical intimacy. I’ve had a modest amount of sexual experience so I kinda know how to go about those kinds of things without any nervousness.
However, my gf has never ever had sex. She said she’s tried in the past but due to a traumatic sexual experience at 18, her body now involuntarily tenses up whenever things start escalating in the bedroom. She says it tenses up to the point where it hurts all over her body.
She’s always constantly apologizing for it but I always tell her she has done absolutely nothing wrong and that she has nothing to apologize for. It’s not her fault whatsoever. I can tell she’s incredibly frustrated with herself because after trying to have sex, she always gets very emotional and wants me to hug her for a very long time.
Her solution to this problem is us getting hammered and having sex eventually but I cannot do that in good conscious. She says that when she’s drunk, her body eases up and she’s way less nervous. She really really REALLY wants to do that , but I will not bring myself to do it, especially for her first time.
I personally need sex in a relationship, but not like every single day. My sex drive is average so it’s not like I want it 2 times a day or anything.
Since I don’t want to have sex with her under the influence, I don’t know what else to do besides break up with her but she’s so amazing that I have plenty of patience for her. But at the same time, I don’t want to end up resentful in the future if I keep trying. Any advice??
7 comments
She gave concent wile sober but wants to loosen up a bit, I don’t see the problem.
I think you should let her have a few glasses of wine to relax. There’s a compromise here between dead sober and puking drunk. While I respect your desire to have a fully consenting partner, this isn’t some half unconscious lady you dragged home from the club. She is consenting, her body just isn’t cooperating. A reasonable amount for alcohol isn’t going to void her consent.
Very likely she will need therapy for trauma induced vaginismus.
Don’t have sex yet. Don’t have sex while drunk.
Just do some foreplay next time. No pressure. Make sure that you both understand and agree that there will be no intercourse. Even if one or both of you wants it. Get her off.
Do that a couple of times. And if she is coming and there’s no stress from thinking about that you’re having intercourse then she’ll be begging for it by the second or even the third time.
Plus it’ll set up good habits for you and her.
I have the same problem, it’s called vaginismus I believe and it’s involuntary. It depends on my mood but I have to relax my body and I will say having a couple glasses of wine does make it easier. Don’t break up over this reason as it isn’t a permanent issue, at least for me and my partner it wasn’t. Just have patience and make sure that she is relaxed and it’s okay.
Cannabis can be a good way to ease her nerves and relax one’s muscles.
Look if this is what she wants and your ok with it then that’s up to both you.
Tho I would say get some kind of proof that she was sober and willing before she drinks. This way you are also protected as I’ve heard of these type of things going sideways.
She needs psychosexual therapy for what sounds like vaginismus.
In the meantime stop attempting PIV sex, can you give her a ton of lovely attention and oral sex? Lots of mutual non penetrative play? Take the pressure off her? Use lube and get used to just playing with hands and being relaxed?
Booze isn’t the answer unless it helps her psychologically rather than physically, and even then just a very moderate amount.