Lately I feel like I love almost no one yet care about people.

I could go into all the trauma behind why I feel like this right now, but I really just want to see if anyone else understands this.

With the exception of my little sister, I don’t trust nor want to be close to anyone, including my closest family and friends. I want to keep everyone at arm’s length and put minimal effort into maintaining my relationships with them. When it comes to new people that try to be friends with me, I just avoid it. At the same time, I still treat people the way I want to be treated. Just because I don’t think it’s worth it to be close to anyone doesn’t mean that I’m going to treat them with contempt or act like an asshole towards them. I’m able to make conversation and try to be social when I’m in those kinds of settings, mainly at work. But once I’m not, I want to be completely alone, and I don’t want anyone to contact me. I’m really starting to view most of my social interactions as obligations, whereas for the first 20+ years of my life, I genuinely wanted them and put a lot of effort into them. But now i feel this intense feeling of betrayal that makes me never want to put my trust in anyone.

I’m never close enough to someone to love them anymore, and I don’t think I want to be. But I still care about people. I constantly give money and food to the homeless even though I’m poor myself. I’m polite to people not out of obligation but because I know it’s the right thing to do. I always try to be of the most help to my coworkers because that kind of cooperation makes everyone feel better. And I see all these people, even the ones that I think hurt me most, as humans with their own struggles and can’t help but feel their pain, which makes me less upset with how they’ve failed me. Ultimately though, I feel like I don’t love almost anyone. Does that make sense?