(obviously throwaway)
It’s such a weird feeling I’m mad and ashamed at the same time. I’ve(23M) been with my girlfriend(21F) for 2 years now, and over time her libido decreased to a 2/10. I feel like I’m the only one who is initiating sex and I’m sick of it. I’ve reached a point where even if we have sex I feel bad afterward, I feel pathetic like somebody just pity fucked me. It’s fucking embarrassing to make your move and rely on the other’s “kindness” to have sex. We haven’t even had sex for over a month now mostly because she was out of town but I feel like I don’t even want it anymore. And I know your first thought is going to be that I don’t do the things she likes or I’m just shit in bed and I know it’s not the case. I make sure she finished every time, if we don’t finish together, I go down on her, every single time because I like oral, sometimes I just eat her out because I find it hot, and I like to do things for her and according to her I’m good at it. It’s not that she doesn’t like it I think she just has super low libido. I don’t know if I’m looking for answers or not It just feels good to write it out anonymously because I have nobody who I can talk about it. I love her too much to just talk about her like this to a friend or anybody. So I think I’m not going to initiate anything. Even further if she for some reason would initiate something I’m going to turn it down. It just feels bad and maybe I just need time idk. Thanks for reading it.
36 comments
You’re going to have to tell her that. It’s a give and take and you’re giving and she’s taking.
I’m not in a good place to give advice right now, but I just want to say you’ll be ok man. Hang in there. When it comes to relationships, they’re taxing- everything seems like a mountain when you care so much. Hang in there.
You two are adults now. Talk about it. Don’t be ashamed of telling your partner you feel unhappy.
If the sex has dried up already, be prepared for this to be the rest of your life.
Have you spoken to her about her lack of libido? You owe yourself and her that conversation. If it’s just a case of she’s genuinely no longer interested, then imho you should get out.
Is she on any medication recently that could attribute to this? Birth control, antidepressants, etc can take a huge toll on libido (for both genders). I’m on both, and it’s very hard for me in past relationships when I feel like I don’t give them enough sex.
Either way, you should really try talking to her about it, and ask her if anything is wrong as to why she doesn’t seem interested in sex any longer. If she is dismissive, it probably means she isn’t very interested in the relationship as a whole any longer, unfortunately. I wish you luck, and an update would be cool as well
Bud you’re in the prime of your life. If this is happening already… it’s only going to get worse. Give her a high-five a hug and a “it was nice having you over.”
I’d be curious to know: Have you even tried to have an open and honest conversation with your girlfriend?
A lot of women struggle with low libido for numerous reasons, like:
– being on antidepressants
– nasty side effects of birth control (potentially in her case since she’s only 21)
– poor body image/low self esteem
– and past trauma from sexual assault and abuse – (*just to name a few.*)
Is she under more stress that normal with work, school or in her life?
Obviously something has occurred recently if you feel like there’s been a massive decline in her libido.
It sounds like you just need to *speak* to her.
Your feelings are totally understandable. Your desire to stop initiating or engaging with your gf when you feel this way is understandable. Just please consider: what is your desired outcome? To hurt her feelings like yours are hurt by being the reject-er? (Harmful and unhelpful). To make her suddenly change whatever the underlying issue is and desire sex more often? (Unlikely and will build resentment when it doesn’t work). The only true answer is to communicate and work out out together (she needs to be willing to be part of a solution), or part ways.
I see a lot of people asking about possible causes into your girlfriends low libido, and it doesn’t matter. You stated you have communicated with her many times about it, you initiate frequently, etc, and you are still not getting what you need. If the situation were reversed, what do you think the general public would say? They would tell her “leave, you deserve and can get better”. You’ve done a lot of work and put in a lot of effort to get your needs met, and its been some time already, and they are not getting met.
Im sorry that you are going thru this, i know from personal experience how deeply that can hurt. My boyfriend had a similar situation, and after 6 months with no sex, while talking to him so much about it, initiating but getting turned down, trying to teach him what i liked when he would blatantly ignore my efforts, it honestly put me in a depression. When i noticed that MY sexuality was getting dampened, because i had been concerned I wasn’t hot enough or he didnt like my specific body type, etc for so long that i stopped even wanting to touch my SELF at all, i realized it was having a huge impact and that i couldnt let myself become smaller and smaller until i disappeared, and i had to end it.
Unfortunately a lot of relationships end due to sexual incompatibility. Its very real.
Im sorry you are going thru this, it sounds awful.
I agree with what someone else said that if you dont want to leave her, this is what it will be like for the rest of your life. I suggest breaking up with her, as you are doing her no favors by staying with her while your needs are going unmet. It is so easy to begin to get resentful, and built up resentment is awful and hard to reconcile in relationships.
It will hurt to leave but not as much as it will hurt you to stay in this
This sounds like a perfect opportunity for a conversation. If you haven’t discussed it before, she may not know about your feelings. And if that is the case, then shutting down and not initating anything will only lead to bitterness and anger and eventually you’ll be miserable. That will sour the relationship.
Try discussing your love life, love languages and your feelings. If you can’t be up front and honest with her, then is this a relationship you want?
This can be a really tough area to talk about.
I’ve suffered low libido on and off in my life and it’s something I get really self-conscious and, in the past, defensive about.
I would suggest the following:
*Take sex off the table for a little while. Don’t be sneaky, it’s not a test. Just say, hey this has become a source of tension between us. Let’s agree to a sex break so we can get away from those negative associations.
*Verbally appreciate her for non-sexual/ attractiveness things.
*Initiate physical intimacy that is entirely non-sexual, and don’t allow it to become sexual. Brush her hair, snuggle on the sofa, ask for a massage, kiss her on the forehead, etc
* The goal with these is to create a space for love, intimacy, and affection that is separate from sex or expectations of sex. So you can both relax and enjoy it.
*Bring the sex back in, theoretically. Discuss what you miss. Discuss masturbation. Discuss what is sexy to each of you. Discuss your hang-ups. Discuss what sex means to you.
* Read “Come As You Are”. Discuss what hits your accelerator and what hits your brakes.
* Talk about responsive and spontaneous desire. She might not have a low libido at all, it might just need to be triggered.
* Bring in free-form, no goal sexy stuff. Don’t try to get either of you to orgasm. Just try to create pleasant feelings and appreciate each other’s bodies. Make sex about connection and pleasure, not orgasms.
very gross that instead of worrying that you’re coercing her, or that you’re having sex with someone that doesn’t want it – you’re concerned it makes YOU feel undesirable.
You choosing to not initiate and at the same time if she does, you’re going to turn her down. Is a shitty foundation for a relationship and it’s not going to make you feel better.
You need to have this discussion with her and then evaluate if it’s worth it for you to remain in the relationship.
Sometimes this means the relationship has reached its end point.
Yeeaaah I’m thinking you guys should srsly take a break from sex. I suggest you have a talk with her and try for her to be honest and open with you. That should also help you out. Good luck
Sometimes people just have very low libidos and don’t really want to have sex very much.
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It’s totally understandable that that isn’t the sex life you want to have, and it’s ok if this incompatibility means that this isn’t the relationship for you in the long-term.
Time to pull the eject handle. Having someone with the same sexual wants, desires and needs is extremely important in a relationship. You are too young to be dealing with this already.
I’m having the same problems with my girlfriend right now, sex feels like a chore sometimes, definitely like I’m just a pity fuck because we live together and she doesn’t need to go much further for that satisfaction whenever she does want it
COMMUNICATE ! Decrease in libido can be cause by so many things ! Talk to her, ask her what’s going on in her life that can explain it, tell her your wants and desires !
Maybe you initiate it when she’s on her luteal phase?
Question: does she get into it once you start? There is something called “responsive desire.” My wife is like that. She rarely thinks about sex, so I have to be the initiator. Once we get started, she loves it. It used to really bother me, like, doesn’t she want me? It is the way she is wired, although she does try. If that is the case, you have to decide if you can live with that. I have for 50 years because everything else is so good.
When my wife first went on the Pill, her Libido went from a 10 to 0 real quick and last a long time. I felt very similar to how you described. Periods of being upset, blaming myself, blaming her, not knowing how to feel, etc. I stuck with her because she was my wife and our relationship has a strong foundation with or without sex. Had that happened when we were still dating i can see how it probably would have ended things. However, it did slowly come back. Libido can be caused by a hormone imbalance and a doctor may be able to help. That’s of course something to talk about if your relationship is worth saving. Good luck.
>if she for some reason would initiate something I’m going to turn it down
This is not very constructive and is not going to help either of you… especially if she’s got a reason why she’s not initiating, then that’s going to set everything back if she does initiate and you turn her down – especially if you’re just doing it to punish her
Well I can think of one person who you could talk about this with…
>So I think I’m not going to initiate anything. Even further if she for some reason would initiate something I’m going to turn it down.
“I’ve fallen into a well, but I am not going to try to climb out and even if someone offered me a rope I’m going to turn them down”.
See how dumb that reads? Giving up is never a solution to any problem. If she has some issues (low libido is just one, and it’s a symptom, not a cause) talk it through and work the problem, instead of just making things worse and harder to normalize.
i wonder if she’s taking any medication that might have an effect on her libido. or maybe she’s stressed about something? don’t give up on her yet. communicate your concerns and i’m sure there’s something the two of you can work out. good luck!
If you’re the one that’s always initiating, she might be having duty sex and has developed sexual aversion as a result. It happened to me. In general it’s better for the lower libido partner to do the initiating. That way they don’t feel pressured, and the higher libido partner doesn’t feel rejected
Do NOT stay in a dead bedroom. It may seem petty and childish at your age, but this is a perfectly valid reason to end a relationship.
As men we’re shamed for having libidos and wanting to have them met, but it’s a natural part of a relationship and it’s a need of yours. The opposite is also true for millions of men who have lower libidos – it’s not right, it’s not wrong, it’s just who you are.
If you’re in a relationship that is making you feel guilty for wanting your needs (respectfully and appropriately) met, then you need to move on. You have the right to feel desired by your partner and if you’re not getting that, then someone else will likely be willing.
I experienced something similar with my ex, but I was the one with the low libido. Has it always been low or has it dropped kinda out of nowhere? My was always slightly lower than my ex’s but suddenly it dropped completely, sex became painful, and I didn’t want to be touched in any sexual way at all. I had a bunch of gyno appointments and it turned out that my body started reacting differently to my birth control and that was the problem. I got off it and it came back, then switched to an iud and it stayed. If it did drop kinda out of nowhere I’d suggested she go to the doctor about it. It could be her birth control (if she’s on it) or it could be something hormone related. Whatever the cause, you need to talk to her directly about the change and how’s it’s making you feel
To be honest this is quite common especially at this age. I was the same but as soon as I switched my birth control pill (had tons of other negative side effects too), I noticed my libido instantly increased (back to normal, IE before contraception) and I feel SO much better now in so many ways. Could this be the issue (birth control)? 💜💜
I agree. I too would not want to have sex with someone who was not enthusiastic about it. Many years ago I broke up with an lovely woman because she was on the asexual spectrum.
If you find it difficult talking to her about it get into couples counseling to address the issues. Sex therapy also may help.
There may also be medical issue that cause this so perhaps you can encourage her to consult a GP.
Good luck
When you’re this unhappy, you have to discuss and adjust, or it’ll fester and poison the relationship.
Better to compassionately split or begin a process of honest growth then to suddenly tumble into outbursts after a prolonged period of unmet needs and emotional repression.
Do this:
Masturbate.
Then, in your post nut clarity, take the time to write down your feelings. How does it make you feel, and most importantly, *why* does it make you feel that way? Tease out your own motivations
Next. Ask her what’s going on with her feelings. Then *listen* and don’t get defensive. Have a safe word where you can stop her if you’re feeling defensive and insecure, then go do something else for a bit and come back to it
Libido loss is natural. It’s not a personal failure. There are reasons for it and you two can figure those reasons out. One of the final hurdles in becoming an adult is learning how to have difficult conversations where you discuss your feelings. Now is a good time to start practicing that
You two are not sexually compatible, full stop. And *at this time in your life*, an enthusiastic reciprocation of sexuality is your love-language. I think you really know, deep down, what you have to do to maintain your own sanity.
Thanks for sharing. I’m in a similar situation and I’m benefitting from the different perspectives
The problem isn’t going to get better with time. Time to ask some hard questions about the future of your relationship.