I (27f) am in a relationship with someone (36m) who has previously been dishonest, cheated virtually, and constantly, I mean constantly looks at porn. Because of the disloyalty, I have a very hard time not taking porn so personally. It feels like I’m not pretty enough, have big enough boobs, not skinny enough. I know these are my own anxiety issues but is it unreasonable to ask my partner to not look at porn? To point out, we have sex or I give bjs at least 4 x a week. Most of the time, I have to initiate.
I am asking if requesting that he not look at porn is unreasonable or unrealistic?
I send nudes often when he asks. Take photos during our activities. Etc…even did a boudoir photoshoot. Can’t he use those? Is that unreasonable?
25 comments
This isn’t about porn – it’s about trust issues in your relationship. You need to hear from him what he plans on doing differently with you and how committed he is to being faithful to you.
You need to actually talk to him… Us telling you what he’s thinking or what’s going on isn’t a realistic expectation.
Men watch porn more than women. I watch porn with my GF sometimes, rarely, sometimes I watch when she isn’t around and I need a release. She knows. We have sex weekly, but we are both busy and have kids and separate schedules. Everything is a potential roadblock, but not communicating is a much bigger roadblock.
Porn is a very sensitive issue in a relationship that needs to be addressee and boundaries should be set up from the beginning. Some may view it as Cheating, some as sign of I’m not good enough enough or as their own inadequacies while others don’t care at all. An open dialogue with your partner is a must.
So you’re not unreasonable here.
The porn here is irrelevant. You are in a relationship where trust doesn’t exist because they are disloyal. That is enough for a breakup.
I think the problem doesn’t really comes from your insecurities but more about the fact that he’s been “dishonest, cheated virtually”, and (from the look of it) his addiction to porn (watching porn is fine but constantly?…). I think there’s a difference between having anxiety issues and getting insecure because someone makes you feel that way. Dump him, there are plenty of fish in the sea and lots of them will know how to make you feel good about yourself.
I don’t think it’s unreasonable at all. I’m in a 2 year marriage, after dating for 3 years, and I just caught my husband masturbating to porn. It has devastated me emotionally.
I’m going to be unpopular here. Porn actually has nothing to do with you. To guys It’s a masturbation aid like a vibrator is to a lady. If you proceed in life with the idea that porn is cheating, you should be very upfront about this idea and ensure guys know this early and often. Also be prepared to be let down by guys.
He May just have an addiction that’s been within him even before meeting you. That’s hard to break.
Whether it’s unrealistic depends on that person’s stance on porn.
To someone who has a good relationship with porn, yes it’s unrealistic. To someone who has a bad relationship with porn, no it’s not unrealistic.
If you can’t trust him, he’s just going to lie to you anyway.
Not unreasonable at all. It bothers you, address it. but it does sound like he had a porn addiction prior to your relationship.
I dated someone for many years with a porn addiction, it lead to him talking to other women and cheating. It ruined my self esteem.
I don’t want you to go through that. Don’t let it get to that point.
It’s unrealistic imho.
Is a NO PORN rule unrealistic? I’d say so for most cases.
But the fact that you don’t trust him (and rightly so) and that he *constantly* looks at porn is obviously a problem.
So no, while it would be *unrealistic* or perhaps *unreasonable* to demand a no porn rule for someone with a healthy relationship with it, that doesn’t really seem to be the case there.
I’d deal with the dishonesty first though. Is that really who you want as a partner?
Have you considered ***not*** dating him if you don’t want to be with him?
Wtf. What are you even getting out of this relationship? He sounds toxic af. And that’s coming from a porn consumer.
> Is that unreasonable?
Nope. Your attitude seems very sensible. Speaking as someone who is not anti-porn, if you providing everything you list he should be able to honor your request.
Simple fact of it would be, you don’t trust him, so even if you asked him and he agreed, would you ever really believe he was sticking to it?
Also, unless he became super sexual towards you and did most of the initiating instead of you, you’d still think he was watching porn behind ya back.
By sounds of it, porn watching is at the bottom of the pile of issues in your relationship.
This has nothing to do with porn itself. Your partner betrayed and lied to you. You have trust issues and rightfully so.
If all this took place before, there is a slim to nil chance that your partner will actually stop watching porn.
I don’t allow porn in my relationship. I don’t think it’s unreasonable, however, if he already has a history of lying and hiding things like this from you chances are he won’t change. He will just get better at lying and hiding it.
Why are you with him? The age gap alone is a red flag.
http://modelmugging.org/crime-within-relationships/abusive-personality-behavior/
The main problem I see is that he was dishonest and cheated on you. Virtually doesn’t really matter. In my honest opinion, the relationship isn’t worth saving based on that alone. I wouldn’t trust him either.
You can dump this guy but you’re going to drag your issues into every relationship you enter until you deal with them.
Why do you date someone you don’t trust and why does somebody looking at other women make you feel unattractive?
Why are you with this person? Doesn’t seem like they appreciate you, respect you, or make you feel good.
Maybe he has a fetish or fantasy. What porn is he into? Have you tried watching some with him? Maybe try integrating it into the bedroom. Maybe try filming some stuff with him. Get creative. Is the sex with him bad?
Men need visual variation in erotic material. I would say keep surprising him and changing your acts of erotic play but don’t be offended if he still watches porn, I hope you’re able to watch with him. If you do, don’t talk the whole time, just watch, touch yourself, touch him, play with toys yourself and on him, be part of the process. I’d say most guys require visual content and you are surely a turn on for him or he wouldn’t stay interested at all but visual and variety are probably an integral part of his libido. That’s how it is for me anyway.