I am 26(F) and my bf is 28. We have been together now for almost 6 years and with time he became less sexually active with me. He stopped touching me, saying the sweet things he used to, we never spend anytime together, he never shows me any kind of affection and he’s a gamer. I have nothing against gaming I’ve never discourage it because I think he is really good at it (& I have my own avoidance hobbies ) but that’s where ALL his spare time goes. He used to make time for us and put in an effort where now I’m begging him to come TO HIS FAMILY birthdays events with me because he’s tired and “wants to game”.
I got used to not being physically touch for so long because I understood it is not his love language and try to compromise but this is my love language to be cuddled until 12pm on a Sunday, to have a kiss in public so people can stop asking if we are siblings ( yes this has happened…twice… Two times too many…) I don’t even want romanticised movies shit, just physical love. A little romance would be nice.
Now for the crazy part I’m very sexual, I always have been and that part of the physical touch for me. Obviously he is no( anymore? We used to fuck like rabbits)… I have tried everything, I walk passed naked while he is on his computer, I play with his junk any chance he lets me, I have beautiful lingerie I try wear to entice him, I beg him to literally just pounce me and I’ve even suggested going to a sex shop to get toys and try spice things up but always no. when we do have sex he last 4 minutes.. no lies sometimes does not last one song. After all the literally begging for intimacy and get get less that a red hot chilly peppers song in sexy time.
So now I’m in this state of mind where he’s just not as sexually aroused as I am / as frequent I guess? Tell me why I go to add him as a friend on TikTok to send him a funny vid and it’s open on his following page and it is just videos of girls doing the thirst trap videos with the towels, big booty girls twerking, girls pretending to give an invisible person a blow job off camera and the more I scrolled the more it went on and on with the sexy dancing. My heart dropped and you know that pain you get in the centre of your chest, like heartbreak. I have even offered to take nudes on his phone for him many times and he’s scared someone will hack him. I feel like I’m willing to give everything, I get it I’m not them but I’m willing to do anything for him and it’s still not enough.
I then start snooping and go to his internet browser history and my mans is a very regular visitor of porn sites for specific niches. He’s on multiple times a week and no less in working hours?? I’m talking like 10:32 am, 14:41 pm weekdays? Like where are you while your jacking off because your meant to be on site??? You only get home after 5pm. You come home to me who try’s in every which way to pleasure you but you chose to wank to some random porno.
I feel so defeated… I’ve denied myself a lot of love because I told myself he is a good man regardless of the love language but when I got out and see my friend share normal kisses and do cute / sometimes cringy things I wonder why can I not have that. Why I neglect this HUGE part of myself that need to be held and I feel as though I am nothing, not enough. I really don’t see why he needs it… I’m literally willing to be his pornstar. I feel ashamed of my body and me. This has all happened this night and he knows I added him as a friend while he was gaming but I haven’t said anything to him about all of it yet because I don’t actually know what to say. I’m in two minds to minds to initiate sex and when he says no, I ask him if it’s because I’m not doing what the girls in *blank video* do? ( even though he will not let me do some of the thing she’s into???) on the other hand I should probably sit him down and talk about it but I’ve done so much talking and I guess I’m not ever going to fully satisfy him. I know everyone looks but this is so much deeper than that to me, am i being fair/ my feelings justified or am I being too dramatic and overthinking?
Edit 1: I don’t care that he watches porn! Pretty much everyone does it, the problem is that he’s telling me he’s too tired for sex and not in the mood but chooses porn instead? Like if he’s that into it we can watch together, I’m into it too!!
47 comments
Get a new boyfriend and move on. FYI most adults will watch porn good luck.
Sounds like there’s a deeper issue than sex here if he chooses to play games alone with most of his free time, it’s possible he really likes them but to me it sounds more like he’s avoiding you so you need to have a serious honest talk with him about the relationship because it sounds like both of you aren’t as happy as you could be.
I had the same problem back then, i was the porn addict. I could not saw my girlfriend interesting, because porn was messed up my brain. I had to quit that porngrafy and do something else. Nowdays i am not interested porn anymore. I will use time to be with people and be them also with emotionally.
didn’t read anything but the title. my answer is, you should be angry at your bf for watching porn.
It seems very clear that he is avoiding you and has grown to rely on himself for pleasure/company. He just isn’t interested in the emotional relationship anymore but it’s a convenience to have you around, I imagine you do certain things that make his life easier such as chores/money/small talk. This is how a relationship degrades to ‘being roommates’. If you moved out today, what do you think his reaction would be? I imagine his life would continue without missing a beat because he lives now like a single man, his hobbies are by himself, his sex is by himself. You are trying to add fuel to the spark but he just splashes water on it, don’t waste any more time on him.
For whatever reason, he’s uninterested in spending any time with you, even when it involves sex.
You can try getting to the cause of that & try fixing things, but it’s most likely not worth the trouble. You shouldn’t have to help a grown man away from a porn addiction when he has a girlfriend ready for sex anytime he wants it. You shouldn’t have to beg your partner to spend time with you.
You likely won’t get your spark back, although you can try. He sounds too distant and checked out.
You could find so much more happiness on your own or with someone else.
There’s an overwhelming consensus here … I think you know it’s time
I would suggest that your husband seeks therapy for this weird addiction. He’s being dishonest and disrespectful to you by not communicating this lack of physical or emotional attraction to you. He’s stringing you along for absolutely no reasons except selfishness. I would say leave him cause you’ve done all you could. If he doesn’t realise what’s wrong idk what to say to you. You’ve got your answer already.
it sounds like a porn addiction. i would look more into that area.
regardless, i think if you two are not sexually compatible anymore, you should either split or ask if you can have sex with someone else. either way sounds like it won’t work out
I personally think masturbating to porn is taking out the relationship part out of the concept of sex, especially when he is not interested in doing it with you.
Also, it is normal for two people to have different love languages, but you both must accommodate each other to make one another feel loved.
My love language, just like you, is physical touch/closeness, my partner’s is mostly quality time. He hugs me and gives me unprompted pecks, I plan surprise trips to museums, beaches etc. we make each other feel loved and cherished.
You should re-evaluate this relationship because I think this is a sinking ship.
Definitely sounds like a gaming and porn addiction. You can only do so much if he isn’t willing to see there’s a problem. I’m sorry you are going through this and I hope he can receives the help he needs whenever he chooses he needs it, but you deserve to be happy and with someone that is going to fulfill you on the levels that he is not.
He’s a porn addict
You sound like a chick that most guys would love to have. 6 years is a long time but it’s time to move on and find what you want and need
I feel your pain. My last relationship I wasn’t getting the intimacy I wanted, so I ended things. I tried for close to a year but the person is never going to change.
I think you should leave him if he isn’t willing to make a change. Try to work it out with him first.
Two possibilities. One, he has an addiction to porn. Addictions will generally start to adversely affect a person’s life, and porn is no exception.
Two, something else going on that you need to get to the bottom of. It could be depression, an affair, he is checking out of the relationship, he truly is over extending himself and feels porn takes less effort than sex, etc. There are many possibilities for this.
Whatever is going on though, it is time to have a sit down with him and talk things out, possibly in front of a couple’s counselor. And then you need to decide from there whether this relationship is worth saving or trying to save if he continues to refuse to seriously talk or go to couple’s counseling.
Some people are fueled by the chase. You’ve made it clear that he doesn’t need to pursue you anymore, bc you make so many advances and serve yourself up for his consumption as he pleases. For some, having sex available at any time can kill the intimacy. It may be counter intuitive, but pulling back and making yourself less available or unavailable may be what triggers him to pursue you more.
This dynamic may not be sustainable for you, and you may need to find someone that is more compatible. But it may help you understand that the problem is not your attractiveness or body image. He is not necessarily “turned off” by you, but by the lack of effort required by him in the relationship dynamic. When he doesn’t have to work for it (entice you), some men can subconsciously begin to believe that it’s not worth the effort.
Sorry my dear but this is reading as him just not being that into you
I’m sorry he’s been treating you this way, that’s really hurtful and not your fault..
Your feelings are validated by over 50 studies about the negative influences that porn has on relationships (lesser connection, trust and intimacy) and lower self esteem (both consumer and partner of consumer). Try googling “Fight the New Drug” or “Your brain on porn” to learn more about this.
Aww hell naw
Porn is terrible, not only from an ethical standpoint, but the dramatic effects it has on relationships also.
I’d suggest an open conversation, redefining boundaries, and maybe he should find a therapist.
You SHOULD care that he’s watching porn. Just because it’s common doesn’t make it healthy or normal. Its not good for a healthy sex life. He’s getting needs met elsewhere… and likely finds sex boring, since the internet creates a more enticing illusion. I’ve dated way too many guys who were porn addicts. And now that I am with a man fervently against it…. I’m telling you it is NIGHT AND DAY. I used to say I didn’t care if guys watched porn even though it hurt, even tho it bothered me. I wasn’t the cool girl if I cared about that right? Forget society and trust your instinct, it’s harmful to those in it, and those watching. It will do nothing for his attraction to you, or desire. It will warp his perception of LOVE making. It will get him addicted to a quick release, with no real connection. There is so much research on it’s ill effects on the brain and body it’s insane!!
He’s checked out.
Both of you need to recognize the issue in order to address it. Porn addiction is a thing and usually is a symptom of bigger problems, but same as alcoholics turning to booze to cope, he is choosing porn.
You can try to help, but it’s very unlikely to work, especially as it started during the relationship. Don’t fall for the eventual empty promises to change. Clear, measurable actions only.
Male perspective here – he’s a porn addict. Nothing you do can compete with the porn industry. They’ve got their hooks in him, and he’ll have to truly want to change if you want to fix this.
Don’t take it personally, those companies spend millions of dollars researching how to hijack people’s brains
you should be angry he watches porn. he is a sick freak who gets off to seeing women being trafficked and abused.
Aw OP, please don’t let this affect your self esteem or how you feel about your body, it really truly is about him and nothing about you (although I know it doesn’t feel that way in the moment). If you were to leave, I guarantee your next partner will be more than happy to reciprocate your affections. There’s nothing wrong with you!
Find someone better. Don’t let him burden you
Oh sweet pea I know exactly how you feel! My husband had the same problem!! People say that porn addiction isn’t real, but it is just as real as alcohol and drug addiction. Your boyfriend has a problem. I know from personal experience that there are only two options: 1) He admits that his porn addiction is getting in the way of intimacy with you and that he is destroying his relationship with you, finds a relationship therapist to help you both, and goes to a recovery program (Celebrate Recovery is where my husband goes) or 2) He doesn’t get help because “porn can’t be an addiction” and you leave because you can’t help someone that doesn’t want help.
I’m sorry that these are your only options. Just know that some guys do pick option 1. I’ve been through this twice. Boyfriend #1 chose option 2. Boyfriend #2 chose option 1 and is now my husband. If it doesn’t work out with this guy, there are a lot of other men out there who are good guys, even if they need some help.
He has mentally checked out. Youre a roommate at this point
It’s definitely possible he has a porn addiction, but it’s also possible he doesn’t have that attraction towards you because he has the idea, either subconsciously or consciously, that you don’t meet his needs. I know it sounds ridiculous, but there’s a chance he just speaks different love languages than you and he isn’t feeling a spark because he isn’t getting what he needs. But that’d be something he needs to figure out for himself. You can only give him your side and an ultimatum – inform him and let him make the choice on whether or not you’re important enough for him to do some introspection to figure out why he’s acting the way he is towards you. Anyone would be lucky to have you. If he doesn’t voluntarily take those steps then he’s not worth your time.
So why don’t you just watch it together then if you both like it, also maybe tell him to get a hold of himself and chill out and wait. Have some delayed gratification
You know it’s time to end this relationship.
You’re his roommate now.
Here’s the deal: You can really love someone and they can really be a great person and STILL not be right for YOU. Based on this post, your emotional needs are largely going unmet in this relationship, and it doesn’t sound like your boyfriend is making any effort to change that. Even if he wants to be with you, it’s clear he isn’t capable of giving you what you actually need. I know it hurts, but you have to face the reality that this relationship has run its course. Or you can choose to stay, but know that it’s not ever going to get any better than it is right now. Take care.
Oh Hun your not alone!!! I’m so sorry you have to experience or go through this! Just know you are valid and not alone! You would be surprised just how many are in your situation and how many men are addicted to porn! You have a lot of healing and know your worth!
He don’t want you. He’s checked out. Go find someone who does. You deserve better than you’re allowing yourself to receive.
Go find someone that appreciates you. You sound great. He doesn’t deserve you any more.
If he’s checked out, you need to check out. Porn is fine- but neglecting your needs just so he can watch fake girls on thirst trap videos is ridiculous. It is heart breaking and messed up that he’s choosing to put his attention towards girls like that regularly above your own. Heal by leaving. You can do way better than him.
Like I’m begging you please leave this mess. Even if the problem is porn addiction it is still on him to respect his partner enough to get his stuff together and cut it down. He doesn’t seem to care to change.
Yeah I don’t really think there’s anything to have a conversation about. Watching that amount of porn to the point where you don’t want to have sex with your partner is REALLY bad, and that’s not something you should have to put up with.
Also the fact that he’s not wanting to kiss you or do anything with you is another sign that mentally, he’s already done with the relationship. I don’t know why he didn’t just say this a long time ago, but it’s time for you to move on and not waste any more time on this guy.
There’s 3 explanations I can think of:
1) He’s depressed. Depression makes you lose your sex drive and want to be alone. Maybe he still needs the release/relaxation benefits of orgasm but is too mentally exhausted to do that with you and uses porn to get him there.
2) Gaming addiction produces similar symptoms to depression. Isolation, disinterest in life, etc.
3) He’s fallen out of love with you and doesn’t know how to deal with it.
You gotta talk to him.
Please let him read this message. Ask him if he wants to break up with you. This isn’t fair to you. You deserve a partner who is invested in a relationship not just his hand.
This hits too close to home. Sometimes I forget that I don’t live some unique experience in my pain. I would suggest some deep communication with your boyfriend so he can explain his side of things. Maybe with a therapist for some mediation of these intense emotions. You’re clearly hurt as it’s gone on for a few years now where you’ve felt inadequate to him in that aspect of your relationship. If he responds terribly, it might just make things much worse.
Your boyfriend is addicted to porn. Even if he wants to , he can’t get off without it. He has conditioned his brain to cum only by watching other people have sex, instead of having sex himself. He can overcome it, but he has to admit he has an addiction and work toward recovery.
Confront him as an intervention, if he’s not willing to get better leave.
Also it has nothing to do with you, or how hot you are, or how willing you are. It’s all on him
He’s addicted to the easy dopamine. Games and porn are just that, sex is more work. He lasts 4 minutes because he’s too easily tempted by the urge to finish, not taking his time and enjoying it together.
I think porn and games are fine, but not when they affect your ability to function.
Let me say clearly, this has nothing to do with you and everything to do with addiction.
I could argue that this relationship has run its time and you should break up and start afresh.
It sounds to me though that your boyfriend is depressed. Games and porn are ways to distance yourself from reality. You said it good your self -they are “mindless” activities. When he do not want to meet his family – it is a second sign of being depressed and detached!
if you want to continue your relationship – you need to remind yourself – your talking is not what matter – it is his talking that matters. Indeed it sounds like your communication is more or less broken. You need to find a way to get a communication setup going where both you you talk, both of you listen and both of you act on each others concerns. That is you need to build up a trust – that each others opinions matter and they are worth listening to and act on. When you can do that you can start clarifying your expectations to each other (and to your self – often good to start there) and to your relationship.
I tend to suggest regular date/talk nights with candle light and some good drinks. Convince him you like a good relaxed time together – and ask him to find one SMAL thing he likes to improve either for himself or in the relationship. After that you will do the same. Discuss solutions openly, honestly and KINDLY (ok tolerant – but in a kind way) and plan solutions you can do. There is a reasons these are SMALL things – you need to build up trust – that you and him can communicate, plan for solutions and act on them. Remember when you have talked – you ASK for a big hug – cuddle and kisses. Connect talk with positive stiff – indeed what is better in your love life then to do things together. Remember to celebrate the victories! (kisses – positive thoughts – compliments to you both “we are such a great team! High fives!!”
To start activities are good for people with depression – but it will also ensure that you functions more as a couple. When you have finished lots of small issues – you start tackling medium size things – and then finally you move over to the big stuff – sex and porn and all that.
Why spending so much things that are not “important”? What is lacking in your relationship is not just sex and hanki panki – it is clear and simple communication, trust and putting each other as a priority! This is the fundamentals
for a good relationship!
You need to start there – sex and stuff – is a consequence of a good relationship not an special thing by itself!
Hope all the best – difficult to take a six years relationship and turn it around!
bro i had to stop at the “and its opening on his following page and it is just videos of girls”
girl just run lol
OP i wanna cry for you because girl same 😭😭😭 After a long time of arguing and almost breaking up my bf is finally showing interest again but it’s so rare that I am convinced he’ll just go right back to masturbating behind my back and denying sex to my face. I don’t even have advice this time but I just wanted to say holy fuck because same 😭
Being a gamer is his excuse. My husband and I are both gamers and have a very healthy sex life. I’m sorry to say, it sounds like hes not into you anymore.