Whats the female equivalent to erectile dysfunction

TLDR: my porn addiction and chronic masturbation from a young age has negatively impacted my view of sex, my connection to my body, and how I experience pleasure and i dont know what to do about it

The title sounds a bit silly but i have no idea how to describe what im going through. I [21NB] was exposed to a lot things like porn and gore at a young age (think 5-6yrs old) i quickly developed a porn addiction and started masturbating frequently when i was around 7 or 8 maybe a bit earlier. It became a coping mechanism for me and gave me a sense of comfort and relief and would put me to sleep whenever i was restless and didnt want to be awake. Ive also struggled with life long chronic depression and anxiety so my social skills have never been great and ive never really had healthy relationships with others.

Once i reached highschool i was extremely hypersexual but also too afraid to seek out sex partners because of my sexuality and insecurity in how i looked. I had several secret social media porn accounts where id talk to women over seas or out of state and form sexual relationships with them most with a bdsm dynamic. I really enjoyed it for awhile because of the fantasy and i didnt interfere with my real life.

Eventually i did get a girlfriend in real life who matched my sex drive and had similar kinks to me. I overestimated myself a lot for our first time and performed…terribly but we continued seeing eachother and sex was getting better. At the time i was what people call a “touch me not” and didnt like to be touched or put in a vulnerable position during sex due to my gender dysphoria but my girlfriend made me feel really safe and respected my boundaries and we slowly tested those boundaries with more intimate things like her being on top of me, kissing my neck, things like that but id always get intense anxiety and we’d have to stop.

I realized i had a very skewed view of sex. My main mission had always been bringing her to orgasm and nothing else and I believe that took a lot of intimacy out of it. She’d have several orgasms but i wasnt good at sensing the “vibe” or knowing when to change positions or anything really she would have to tell me what she wanted and id sort of fumble around. There was just always this disconnection i felt with my body, even if i was really enjoying it my mind would just focus on my performance instead of pleasure.

When we’d have phone sex sometimes i couldnt get myself to be aroused and sometimes i couldnt orgasm at all but id continue to guide her until she did. Other times id let my mind run on its own without including her and id orgasm quickly and without her which would start arguments. Id lose myself and just ramble incoherently and she’d be a bit confused on where i had went in my mind. I didnt understand it either because i was insanely attracted to her and loved her very much and she was extremely open to almost anything i wanted to try but i was timid, inexperienced, and didnt know what sex was like between 2 people.

I could never envision myself having sex and always felt like a spectator when id masturbate alone. When im alone theres less pressure and only my fantasies matter but with another person it seems totally different and like a performance. Its hard for me to fully immerse myself because i cant stop thinking. After the relationship ended i noticed other little disturbing things about how i was interacting with sex/porn/masturbation, i wasnt thinking about my own pleasure and what it would look like for anyone to please me. Id ignore my own body and masturbate when i wasnt aroused. Id masturbate when i wasnt in the mood. Id force myself to masturbate until my body made it clear nothing was going to happen. And these interactions with myself would bleed into how i looked at sex with other people. Id have sex whenever the relationship seemed to be lacking or it was too quiet or i wanted to renew our bond. It was hard for me to create a pleasurable full bodied intimate experience.

I didnt know what it would look like to have sex that was good but didn’t necessarily end in climax. Id be confused as all hell when girls would tell me they didnt orgasm during sex most of the time yet stayed with their partner. I thought my performance equated to my self worth in a way. I only know how to get myself off in this very mechanical way and ive never done anything different and dont know how to do things differently without triggering some sort of deep rooted anxiety.