I (17, F) have been dating someone (20,M) from abroad. I’m currently in a south asian country, where’s he’s living in the US. We met online, and since we met, we felt a connection between us. We were both really into each other and finally decided to be in a relationship. This is my first ever relationship, so I had no idea what to expect of it. I was very into him for sure, and I fell in love. I know that I love him a lot. And I feel the same from him. We’ve been together for a year now.
Everything was going very smoothly the first month. Then one day, I jokingly told my friends something like “let’s pretend I’m single” as a joke. He seemed to get so aggressive and mad and started arguing with me through text, thinking I wasn’t serious about this relationship. Honestly, yes it was a pretty stupid joke, but his reaction was too aggressive for a small joke. We did resolve it and it was all okay.
After 2 months he ended up cheating on me through online and confessed to me 1-2 days later the incident. Prior to me, he had been jumping on and off relationships to get over his first ex who he claimed to have abused him emotionally and used him for sexual purposes. And right before being into a relationship with me, he was with another girl for a while. Whom he told me he could no longer trust and that, the realtionship was not okay.
I did give him a chance after his apology seemed to be genuine and because he was honest. I thought to myself, mistakes happen. He ended up confessing to me again after couple of months that he had thoughts about cheating again. We continuously went through arguments and stuff at that stage of our relationship. And the day after confessing so, he then confessed he had sent some pictures to a girl prior to that. Meaning he cheated again before thinking of attempting to cheat the 3rd time. I still gave him a chance. Because I know I love him too much. I made sure to tell him that, it was the last time.
Weirdly enough all these time, my trust for him didnt really go down, maybe it did for a while, but I still trust him a lot. Its been a long while since all of this happened, we dont really argue much anymore, we are pretty stable in our relationship now. Which I am grateful about.
Recently I’ve been going through a lot of academic pressure. And academics in my country is very shitty and pressuring. Because of corona I studied way less and thats why I’m lacking behind. And we barely have any breaks between exams. So it gets hard to finish all my studies and spend time with him in between.
He went off pretty aggressive once more with me saying he had been telling me about this over and over, and I just seem to ignore that fact. He said he just wanted a genuine talk with me once now and then in between. Not like he was demanding hours to be spent with him. I understand but I had hard time scheduling everything and going by it. I am also pretty bad at explaining and talking about things, it always ends up sounding like an excuse. Thus the argument got bigger than it should’ve gotten.
My sister runs a mental health organization based on online, and from there I met a sensible person, who is much older than me and pretty trustworthy and known by everyone in the community. I shared that stuff (recent argument) with him and be said that my boyfriend was a narcissist. He seemed to be too quick to throw a comment based on one argument which didnt sit right with me. Also my boyfriend not in need of excessive admiration and he is, to me, pretty empathetic and emotional. And I do believe he does love me. But I know at the same time, his mental health has somewhat turned him into a toxic person. And that he might be emotionally abusive. But I dont know anything for sure because my mind is playing games with me. Can you help me?
Note: He does have a pretty traumatizing childhood experiences and he’s been depressed since. I have grown to be more depressed since COVID (before meeting him)
Summery/TL;DR: My boyfriend suffers through depression and he has cheated on me twice. We are pretty stable in the relationship at the moment, I’m not sure if he is actually emotionally abusive or not, if he does what he does intentionally or unintentionally. I do trust him but I’m afraid. Im not sure what to think and do. But I do not want to leave him.
4 comments
Yes, and sorry to be that person but the age gap is very concerning. I’m sure you’ll understand when you’re 20
Speaking from my experience, as a 20 year old I would absolutely not date anyone who is 17, it may not necessarily be the truth in his case, but typically people go after minors because they’re easier to manipulate and take advantage of. If he’s cheating and constantly apologizing, no matter how “genuine” it may seem? Get out of there, he’s definitely emotionally abusing you. But it is ultimately your choice on what you do, I’d say focus on your studies and find someone closer in age that treats you with respect. Good luck!
‘My boyfriend suffers through depression and he has cheated on me twice.’
Okay.
Your ‘Boyfriend’ Needs therapy and You need to reevaluate your choice in romantic partners.
He admitted to cheating on you twice, why give him a third chance? If he cries and whines begging for another chance, THAT is emotional manipulation.
And I agree with that person who said your bf was a narcissist. You are under academic pressure so what a good bf should do is give you space to focus on it and clear your head not demand your attention at critical times.
Read Why Does He Do That by Lundy Bancroft, it’s available as a PDF online.
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Based on what you’ve written here I’d guess that your problem is more about cheating and your boyfriend’s depression not being taken care of than emotional abuse per se. I do not believe it matters whether he does harmful things intentionally or unintentionally, what matters is the impact on you.
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How long have you been together? This feels like A LOT for a new relationship and would absolutely be a dealbreaker for me, and if it’s not a new relationship and you’ve been together for a while then the age gap becomes a lot more concerning.