My boyfriend is threatening to break up with me if I forgive and become friends with the person who attempted to assault me

22 comments

1. > S is begging me to talk to him about what happened, my boyfriend is still upset. I feel like I don’t need his approval to be friends with people but he could be setting a boundary and I’m not realizing it. It’s hard for me to understand the difference between boundaries and control.

   Your bf is simply setting a boundary for himself….I personally don’t really understand why you’d want to be friends with someone who sexually assaulted you either, I’d probably be constantly anxious when you hang around that person.

   Please don’t blame this on weed…. it’s not an excuse to SA someone.

2. This man tried to sexually assault you. He crossed a line. I get you’re capable of forgiveness, but I think it would be a hard boundary for anybody for their partner to avoid someone who hurt them so badly in such a disrespectful way to the relationship. Weed had nothing to do with it.

   It isn’t control to want your girlfriend safe and to hope that she hangs around people who respect y’alls relationship. Which S clearly didn’t and probably won’t. Might even take your return as a sign.

   Whatever you do, please be wary of them. Sexual assault isn’t an oopsie and this can lead down a dangerous path.

   That said, S doesn’t respect you or your boyfriend or your relationship.

   I imagine it would hurt him quite a bit trying to figure out why you’d want to rekindle the friendship.

   Also I know I mention the relationship a lot but it goes without saying the worst part is how he disrespected you, your autonomy and integrity.

3. OK. Hypothetically what if your boyfriend had a female friend who tried to forcefully kiss him and have sex with him but he pushed her off. Later she came back begging to be his friend and be in his life once more. But you had a problem with her because you didn’t trust her you knew she would try to do something like this again. But your boyfriend is going against your wishes to befriend her. What would you do if the your bf doesnt listen to you?

4. Why would you want to be friends with someone who attempted to SA you? What is there to talk about?

   No, you sure don’t need your boyfriend’s approval to be friends with anyone.

   Your boyfriend has every right to be upset and set this boundary. It might be considered to be controlling by some but consider the situation here. Would you want him to talk to and be friends with someone who tried to forcefully get with him?

   If you decide to be friends with the SA guy, then be prepared to lose your boyfriend over it. Will it be worth it?

5. Your bf is simply setting a boundary (a really understandable one too); he’s not saying you can’t make friends with S again simply stating he’s not going to be okay and stick around with it if you do.

   Honestly I don’t see why you’re trying to be friends with S again if he tried to SA you? What’s the benefit in that for you at all? What does that show you feel about the way he behaved towards you? That it’s acceptable?

6. So I’ll be honest, My first choice would not be to become friends with somebody who assaulted me, especially a sexually assaulted person.

   That being said, it sounds very much like your boyfriend is doing a little bit of controlling here
   Yes it’s for your benefit but still it’s controlling. He’s telling you what to do after the assault happened instead of processing it for yourself, even if the decision is basically the same to never talk to or be together with this person again.

   Now you’re attempting to become friends with this person for whatever reason and again, he’s coming in and telling you what to do and even threatening to leave you

   I know that he’s just caring and worried for you, but you have to be able to make your own decisions or this will follow you forever. I strongly suggest you speak to a therapist or a counselor about what happened. Maybe take some time away from your boyfriend just to process everything so that you don’t feel the pressure of him leaving

7. You are an idiot OP. Who dafuq wants to be friends with people who tried to SA them?

   Are you ok? Your bf has full right to breakup because this could look like you cheated and then wrote it off as SA in his eyes

8. > We were both smoking so I didn’t think it was that big of a deal for me anymore.

   Yeah, if I were your boyfriend, I would be *deeply* concerned that you think it’s a good idea to be anything less than 100% sober and alert around this guy on whatever limited occasions you actually *need* to be around him. I’m not going to try and tell you that your feelings of being okay around S are you trying to convince yourself it wasn’t that bad so you don’t *have* to face the full implications of what happened or that it was done by someone you considered a friend (although I do think that’s a possibility you should consider working through with a therapist)…but with *all* the potential friends in the world you *could* choose, why choose one who’s one who’s already shown such callous disregard for your well-being and agency and personhood, regardless of whatever excuses he has for having done it?

9. Why do you need to be friends or talk to someone who sexually assaulted you?
   If I wad your boyfriend and I actually have to explain or tell you that I won’t stick around if you do it, then I am not sticking around anyway, because I expect responsible behavior and exercising judgement from my partner.

10. Smoking isn’t an excuse to try and SA assault someone. I don’t blame your boyfriend for setting this boundary. Why do you even want to be around someone like that?

11. I think you need to value your boyfriend’s concern. He’s not being controlling, he wants you to be safe, he said he doesn’t want to have to worry about you. See that as him caring for you, not controlling you. If you love him, then you need to hear him out. A “friend” who attempts a SA is actually a controlling person and someone who will hurt you. I think you have the two people mixed up here.

12. It’s his boundary and a rather sane one. Keep people who will try to assault you put of your life. Your wanting to re-engage with this person from his perspective makes it look like you like the drama and potential risk that comes from hanging around this guy.

13. I don’t see anything wrong with that. I’d break up with you. Cause you and I mean this as nicely rude as possible. You seem to not have any boundaries and are total pushover. There’s nothing okay about that and the fact that you want him to just be okay with you being friends with this person is stupid.

14. i believe this is a completely reasonable boundary your boyfriend is setting because he cares for you

15. Okay, I’m going to be upfront, and it may be harsh, but it’s honest, and I have no vile intent behind my words.

    You’re being an idiot.

    I’m, so, unbelievably happy nothing happened to you. But if you play with fire enough, you run the risk of being burned. You got out of the situation, now you want to let the predator, who’s testing your boundaries, back in?

    On top of that, you’re willing to discard your bf for someone who wanted to take advantage of you; someone who attacked you?

    If I was the bf, I would feel 100% justified leaving you if you wanted to remain friends, acquaintances, or anything else with someone who tried to assault you. There’s no way he wouldn’t be stress filled and anxious everytime you talked or hung out with this person.

    You’re willing to do that to him?

    Your bf isn’t trying to control you. At least, not from what I gather. He’s trying to get you to realize you’re being an idiot, you got lucky, and you’re playing with fire without recognizing it.

    Wake up.

    You have a choice to make here.

    Never talk to the guy who tried to rape you again, and keep a bf that actually seems like he cares for you.

    Or dump your bf, remain friends with a predator, and hope you don’t get drugged, raped, or worse.

16. I’m confused. Was it sexual assault or they just tried to make a move on you?

    If it’s the latter. Fair enough. I’ve had awkward encounters like that and remained friends with them afterwards.

    If it was actual sexual assault, Why the hell would you wanna be friends with someone like that?

17. I dont know how old you are, but if you are not a teenager who doesn’t know how things work, i can see why your bf would threaten to break up with you. It seems you cant make proper decisions when it comes to safety (making friends with someone who tried to sexually assault you!) and he doesn’t want to keep up with the results of your poor decision making.

18. So, I’m going to address what I see as the most important issue – WHY you want to be friends with your assailant.

    I was raped twice when I was 15/16 and stayed friends with both of my rapists for years. It was a way I tried to convince myself that I was ok. The logic being: I can’t be that messed up from it if I’m able to friends with them. However this ended up being a corrosive influence on my general ability to have boundaries and protect myself. Ironically this approach made me weaker than if I’d just fully reckoned with the seriousness of what had happened and how badly those people betrayed me.

    Another factor here is that I felt that me cutting people off meant they were 100% terrible people and they deserved no forgiveness whatsoever, and that didn’t reflect the reality of how I felt. The people closest to us are often very angry on our behalf, but this can be very alienating. Perhaps this is what you’re experiencing with your partner. But you can keep a distance from this person for your own well-being while also acknowledging to yourself and to them that people are complex and you don’t think they’re a terrible person etc etc.

    Even if you’ve found you’ve totally forgiven them it would still be entirely justified not to have a friendship with them. I think the way to look at this is that forgiveness is something you do FOR YOURSELF, for your own healing and peace of mind, if that’s what you want. A friendship is a different category that affects your relationship and so it’s reasonable for your partner to have strong feelings about it, but your forgiveness is your own business.

    Finally, the person who made me see how unhealthy my friendship with my ex-assailants was in fact a total controlling asshole himself. I felt in my bones something was off about him and so I didn’t internalise his advice as I couldn’t bring myself to trust it. However, while he was angry at those friendships because it signalled his control over me was incomplete, being forced out of them was ultimately one of the few good things he ever did for me. Wrong reasons, right outcome. It’s worth considering that this friendship might not be healthy even if you’re not sure about your SOs motivation.

19. Dumbass OP

20. What the hell

21. This is a whole pile of nope. You should not be friends with S and you should block him. Your boyfriend is right on this one.

22. I don’t understand why you would jeopardise your relationship with your bf for a guy you barely know who sexually assaulted you. I just don’t see the logic, and I’m sure your bf doesn’t either, so he might be starting to question if you were sexually assaulted at all (not saying you weren’t, just saying it’s *really* weird that you would want to continue talking to this guy)