So, I have been going out with my boyfriend for nearly two years. I’m still a virgin because I don’t feel comfortable doing that yet. However, we do perform oral sex on each other and jerk each other off but I honestly never enjoy it as much as he does.
I love him very much, and I do miss him when I don’t see/talk to him for a while. However, when I do get the chance to see him, I want him to leave because all I can think about is that he is gonna do something sexual with me. I honestly just want to cuddle with him and receive forehead kisses while we watch a movie together. When we end up making out (which I honestly don’t enjoy) and do the sexual oral stuff, I will just do it to get it done and over with since I want him in his post-nut-clarity mode. I just don’t see the point in doing sexy shit. I have never had an orgasm and I don’t enjoy being naked or being touched. Despite this, we get on so well and he is just so amazing.
But what I do like to add is that I, myself masterbate and I get turned on when I see couples doing the devil’s tango, but I myself just don’t wanna do the tango which is really weird.
I have talked to him about me not wanting to do anything sexual to him many times, but we always go a few weeks to a month without doing anything NSFW and then he will just go back to putting his hands down my pants again.
I love him very much, he is the sweetest thing ever, but he’s just way too fucking horny and honestly? I think I would enjoy the relationship more if there was nothing sexual happening. But, I feel so bad if I told him that because I genuinely believe that he loves me and there is chance that he will still want to be with me even if I asked him not to do any NSFW shit. But the thing is, I would be continuing this relationship with so much guilt because he will have to restrain himself (imagine having a girlfriend who doesn’t want to have sex with you, but you want to have sex with her) and I feel like that is going to be so hard for him.
Is this normal? Should I even be in this relationship if this is how I feel?
TL;Dr: I hate doing sexy time with my bf, but I still love him. Is that normal?
13 comments
You should look up info on asexuality. It’s a spectrum, so it doesn’t only apply to people who have absolutely no sexual desire.
Maybe you would do better in a relationship with someone else who has a similarly low libido or maybe you would even prefer to be in an open relationship where your partner has sexual experiences with people who aren’t you but is also still an emotionally intimate partner with you. You may need to reflect more on your wants and needs
Do you think you could be asexual? Not wanting sex with someone you love romantically is not unheard of, but it is uncommon. If you are asexual, your boyfriend deserves to know. Or even if you just decide you’re not into sex right now for whatever reason. At this point he might be waiting for you to be ready, but if you’re never going to be ready, he deserves to make a decision based on that information. He might choose to stay or not, but you should be honest. Sex can be very important to people in romantic relationships, I know it is to me!
>I just don’t see the point in doing sexy shit. I have never had an orgasm
Well, the one is often related to the other (you’d see the point if you orgasmed, and maybe his technique needs *considerable* polishing).
>I honestly just want to cuddle with him and receive forehead kisses while we watch a movie together.
Hmm, how about: on even numbered days, you do the usual and what *he* wants. On odd numbered days you and he do what *you* want (and NOT the usual).
If you were ‘asexual’, that typically means: you’d not seek sexual activity (your interest level’s not that high), but, you’d nonetheless get some (possibly considerable) enjoyment out of it if & when it happens.
You don’t have to decide now whether or not you’re ever going to enjoy being sexual with someone. All you need to know right now is that you don’t enjoy being sexual with this person, and you’re not enjoying it. So you shouldn’t do it. You should never do something sexual that you dread. And you shouldn’t be with someone who, when you tell them you don’t want sexual activity, will still put his hand down your pants. You need to tell him you don’t want to do any sexual activities, indefinitely, and you need to have a serious conversation about whether the relationship is viable. But you do not have to continue to do sexual activities you don’t want and don’t enjoy. And you shouldn’t continue doing them.
I was so not sexually attracted to the first person I had sex with. I thought that sex was gross and was something to just grit my teeth through and wanted it over with so we could chill. The next guy I had sex with gave me my first orgasm and I was hooked. It wasn’t that I was asexual, it was that sex with guy number one was always about him and never about me.
Maybe he’s bad at sex?
It’s time to break up because of major sexual incompatibility. If you go on, you will only cause resentment to grow from one or both of you.
By any chance, were you raised in a religious/conservative background? I used to be this way myself. It wasn’t that I disliked sex. But I would feel guilt and shame when I would do those things because I was taught to believe it was wrong. As I started to get into it more, along with doing talk therapy, those feelings started to go away.
I would say that if he can go months without putting a hand down your pants and initiating any other sexual activity, then he’s not as horny as you think.
However the irony of being horny or not is relative to each other, so in your opinion, he’s too horny for your preference.
I think there’s a lot of guys who don’t have to do the deed but they still want to kiss or touch you more often.
And if your boyfriend is not doing that either, then he is probably more similar to you than you think, or he’s taking your opinion into consideration more than you think.
But one of the keys to any relationship that we don’t know the details about , is communication.
You need to talk to him about your feelings on the matter and your ideas about how you two can keep going without you feeling like he’s always on about sex and without him feeling like you’re never on about sex
Honestly, it sounds like you just need to explore more. The next time he goes down on you, tell him he’s staying down there until you get an orgasm.
if you don’t want him to touch you, he shouldn’t. he can go to the bathroom and do the business himself if it’s that important. and if it’s so important that it affects your standing in the relationship, then you should probably have a very transparent convo about it with him. i too much prefer the cuddling and forehead kisses over the “devils tango.” lol. your sexual journey has to be on YOUR time. if you’re uncomfortable with something then you’re uncomfortable. end of discussion. he should be able to respect that indefinitely.
I was in exactly that position. For nine years, I was with the guy. We broke up for other reasons. I recently realised that I was gay. I had never really thought of it because being straight was just what you were. You said that you were raised in a religious household. Is it possible that you are masking either a form of asexuality, homosexuality, or other sexuality? I hope this post gives you the support you need.
So you know you don’t want to be touched sexually and he wants to be sexual. That’s called incompatibility. For how much you suffer through his unwanted advances, he suffers through the constant rejection until you obligatorily let him put his hands down your pants. It really doesn’t matter how awesome you think each other are if you’re constantly having to sacrifice so much only to still not be making the other person happy since they want more/less than the other can comfortably give. Sounds like a bad time for everyone.