I’ve been happily married for almost a decade, we have kids, house, etc.. Sex has been generally great too, although limited to 1-2 positions, and we have matching high libidos. However, my wife has been very vanilla while I am fairly kinky and into exploring things.
Over the years I’ve made progress on my own communication and brought up the things I’ve been missing and wanted to try. It went better than I expected – my wife turned out to have her own kinks, we did spicer app than I suggested and we found we had a lot of overlap.
Which is where things went off the happy trajectory. We never really ended up trying nearly all those things we matched on. I’ve shopped for toys, did the reading, talked to her about it dozens of times and she usually agrees, reassures me that she really wants to do it, but it’s always either “later” or I am sent to do “more research”.
After nearly a year of trying, I can’t escape feeling very resentful. Why am I the one doing all the “research” and trying to make things work? Why do I have to be running in this loop of back and forth if in practice she doesn’t seem to be interested, whatever the underlying reason? I feel embarrassed about sharing my kinks and neither feel comfortable trying it with her anymore nor frankly not interested in plain vanilla sex either – I don’t feel too incentivized in putting the effort into pleasing my partner when my own preferences are just ignored.
Has anyone been through this? Am I just depressed and exaggerating things? Is there a way forward or is it a fundamental incompatibility? I generally wouldn’t mind living like this but it will inevitably come out when it becomes obvious I lost interest in sex.
5 comments
Maybe some couple’s therapy?
I might suggest using very plain language and saying, “I know we had these plans for things to try but it kind of stalled out. This one thing in particular, I’d really like to try. I was thinking that maybe instead of going all in, we could just introduce small aspects of it to start until we are both comfortable. The idea of just being playful with you is really exciting.”
So, idk what the kinks are, but let’s say choking. Maybe start with just touching her throat while making out. Another session, plan to add a little more pressure.
I feel like she may be getting too caught up in the minutia and not able to see that the real fun is in the trying.
Have you brought this up in the big picture? Like, hey I was excited about these things that we agreed to try, I’ve tried to be patient but it’s been a year, what is going on? If yes, what did she say?
The fact you have matching high libidos is a huge win … I wish that was the case in my relationship. Experimenting with new things should be easy.
Sounds like something is holding your wife back from getting in the mood. Does she have a lot on her plate? If the house is a mess or she’s tired or stressed at work or maybe feels like you’ve been nagging her about sex it has created a barrier. Try helping her out more around the house or doing little things for her to make her appreciate how much you love her… I’m pretty sure that will make her feel more inclined to want sex and when you start just bring in the toys or whatever without having a whole conversation about it. She already said she’d be up for doing it so just wait until she’s in the right mood and go for it.