Dear lord i’m something beyond heartbroken because of this . My wife started crying in my arms tonight and told me how her mother literally forced her to use birth control pills since months before our wedding , only because of the stupid culture thing that we have . She didn’t want her to POSSIBLY have her period on that night so she did this to her . I’m so god damn angry about this and i don’t even know what to do . We’re not planning on having kids yet so i’m not saying because of that . I’m saying cause that’s just cruel and i was literally seeing how mentally fucked up she was on those days . I thought it’s because she’s just stressed about getting married . I hate seeing her suffering like this and i hate the fact that she didn’t even tell me about it . I’m so mad at her mother rn and i just wanna talk to her asap , but i’m afraid i’d ruin something . What should i even do? Should i talk about this to her at all? Or should i just support my sweetheart and say nothing to her mom?
38 comments
Eh? I don’t quite get it. If you are not planning children now, you need to use contraception anyway, so…?
How old are both of you? How could her mother force her as an adult to do that?
This entire situation sounds beyond toxic. I’d strongly advise you to both sit down with a marriage counsellor.
Now that you are married she can stop the pills and you can use another form of birth control. She will feel better once the pills wear off and her cycle regulates itself. But it is not good for you to stay angry at something that has already been done. As her husband you can help her say no to her mother in the future, but there is no need to say anything now. Save it for when your MIL tries to interfere about other things and just make sure you help your wife become independent.
That’s so terrible! I can completely understand how in some cultures a parent could have gotten away with this. It would be so difficult to confront her mother too.
People like her rely on others keeping quiet. I’d ask her at the family table with your family present, what her reasoning could possibly be.
If she’s as toxic as she sounds, you wouldn’t want her around. Confront her and how she handles it will determine her future relationship with you two. Keeping quiet and moving on will let her believe she can control you both now.
I think your fiance needs help to get the courage to leave the toxic culture behind, and everyone in it. There are a lot of negative feelings she has to process, and a lot of things that she may not want to abandon.
But this is borderline inhumane. The best way to help her is to support her. Don’t rush her into making a decision. But stand by her.
You need to talk with wife on how important it is for the 2 of you to discuss everything!
Reassure her, her mom no longer has a say on wife’s body, or your marriage. That you will protect her from her monster of a mom.
Her mom needs to be put in a timeout and low contact. Get a book on toxic parents!!
May I suggest a non-hormonal IUD for wife? This can be removed at any time and will be able to prevent a pregnancy until both of you are ready.
Congrats on the marriage and be ready to fight with MIL!!
This is a bad way to start a marriage. Her mother will always have a hand in your marriage.
Forcing her virgin daughter to take birth control pills when she doesn’t need to isn’t healthy. There can be side effects to birth control too, which I hope you poor wife hasn’t been suffering.
I feel like people are missing the point. Her mother SHAMED her into taking them. Likely told her she had to be “perfect” for him on HIS wedding night, that it was all about pleasing him and how men find periods disgusting, etc etc. all y’all talking about a marriage counselor and crap are missing the point.
I’d say get away from her mother as fast as you humanly can. Reassure your wife it’s not a big deal. Perhaps some therapy for her as well. Emphasize that you didn’t need her to do that, but it’s okay that she felt forced to.
How did she force your wife to take BC? Did she hold her down and shove pills down her throat every day? If so, involve the authorities. If not, it sounds like she was heavily pressured to take BC. Taking (or not taking) BC is your wife’s decision entirely and no one else’s, but I am failing to see from the information in your post how your MIL forced her to consume pills. This would be a great reason to cut all ties with MIL.
I agree with everyone on here, but I’d just like to say that the pill it isn’t painful in any way. Perhaps I misunderstood, but just wanted to clarify. I don’t know what your culture is, but her mother is probably following a tradition based on sexual ignorance and pleasing a man. Looking on the bright side, your wife is now a free agent, hopefully and can do as she pleases. If I were you, I would not seek to discuss this with her mother. You have to get on with your parents in law and I don’t think her mother actually meant to harm her daughter, they are just old fashioned people with cultural differences. The damage is done and over, I would try to put it down to the bad old days and start a happy new life away from these practices. Also you would be taking over where her mother left off if you start fighting your wife’s battles.
all i can say, don’t wait too long to talk with the mother , there might be more trouble in the future
Her mother forcing her is a big red flag. She must love you a lot if she didn’t back out then.
Her mother is toxic and should probably get the LC/NC treatment until she not only apologized but admits to doing wrong. Issue the demand via text if you’re too angry to talk.
Birth control can really fuck some women up both physically and emotionally. Worse, when she goes off it she will suffer further. This is horrific.
Go to a counselor one, and tell you wife to confide in you, you love her and are so sorry for what her mother did. Create trust. When you have children you will need it, and put distance between your family and MIL. You can address it if wife is ok with it. The mother will interfere with kids and how you run your life if you don’t put distance.
You need to remove her MOM from any discussions of a personal, medical or sexual nature. What she did was horrific. If you contact her, you are opening the door for her to be involved in your personal life. Don’t do it.
Love your sweetheart. Support her to get over this horrific event, and help her to feel comfortable excluding her Mom from any future personal decisions. Together, you can decide on a comfortable method of birth control.
How did she force her?
Confront the mother. Let your wife know loud and clear that you will go out to bat for her.
I am so sorry. I wanted to provide yet another perspective, which it sounds like you already are aware of: birth control can f*** up your mental health like whoa. I was only about 6 days on the pill where I started having daily panic attacks from them. I stopped them after 10 days and it still messed with me so bad for like a month afterwards. I would say you guys should discuss setting some hard AF boundaries with MIL. Talk with your wife about how to approach this though. I think it would be in your best interest to have low contact with her mom, but you will need to make sure you’re a United front with your wife.
You may also find that she is still wanting to have a relationship with her mom even though it’s messed up. She may need a lot of help seeing through the fog to understand just how messed up her mom’s thinking is. I’m so sorry you guys are dealing with it. You are a good man for wanting to stand up for your wife.
Support your sweetheart. You can tell her that you have her back and fully support her, and then calmly ask if she would like you to say something to her mom or not. Whatever she says, do that. Be her rock – it sets a good tone for the marriage
Sounds like you should go no contact with mom cuz that’s a lot of levels of fucked up.
I’d also recommend you and your wife look at other birth control options together and she can pick what she’s comfortable with (even if it is staying on the pill)
You might also consider couples counselling (or even individual counselling) to deal with the evident mommy issues.
Show her you’re on her side and work together to create a plan to go forward
You comfort your wife, get her away, and focus on her learning to set boundaries and hold them with her Mother. The skills she’s lacking is called Assertiveness. I would try and get her some books and spend a weekend away somewhere nice learning this skill with her. If you can afford therapy I would get that too. Her mother has done a number on her.
In my opinion anything that isn’t a gentle **one time advice** on that (like “sweetheart, have you made some calculations for your wedding? If you think it’s within range maybe you could consider taking birth control pills to avoid that… No? Well then. Let’s cross our fingers.”) is definitely out of the line.
You’re saying that she was forced and I believe you, because I understand that there are other ways of forcing a person you have authority over (such as a dependent young daughter, especially if – and forgive me for my inference – I sense that there’s a higher than average level of religiousness) other than holding her down and making them swallow it. Even simply pestering someone that has no recourse to leave the house or moving and cutting contact with the pesterer) can wear the person down, esp. if already stressed. People manipulate other adults fairly easily without any of the vulnerabilities she has against her mom.
I totally understand the disgust there.
I would tell you to let your wife lead in this but honestly, do you think she might be still to much in the FOG (fear obligation guilt) to make a decision about cutting contact with her mom? Rn focus on her and you both, toss those BC pills, I guess you’ll be having a few days off by yourselves so rest, regroup, think, rest some more, enjoy each other.
As for the rest: What’s your living arrangements? You do have your own place, far away from parental influence right? How are you money wise? Enough money to cut contact without a hitch? Methinks that this kind of toxic needs to be rewarded with some distance. A lot of distance.
Your wife is the wronged party/survivor here. Even though you were indirectly affected, your wife was directly affected. AND it’s your wife’s mother, so she is the closer relative. With any person who has survived abuse or mistreatment, in order to help them heal, you need to empower them and let them have agency. So your wife gets to decide how to handle her relationship with your MIL.
Support your wife, validate that what her mom did was really wrong, and ask your wife if she would like you to say something to your MIL about it or if she would like you to stay quiet about it. If you are so angry at your MIL that you can’t be in her presence for a while or forever, that’s okay, that’s a boundary you can set. You can give white lies for why you are not at family events if that’s what your wife wants. But definitely do not talk to your MIL about this until your wife gives you permission.
In my limited experience living in cultures in which a Wife is still the lesser of two equals, a bride leaves her family (and its rules) and joins Husband’s. So OP should not have to confront his MIL in order to free his wife from her mother’s iron grip. Wife should be free already, and all OP needs to do is support and comfort her. OP, I’m sorry if I misunderstood your cultural norms.
I think your lady should be an adult and make decisions for herself
Unless your wife wants you to tell her mom that she’s never welcome in your lives again, I don’t think I’d talk to your MIL. Your wife will be the one to bear the force of the blowback. Support your wife and ask her how she wants to proceed with her mother. Then support her decision.
You tell your wife that you will support her in any decision she makes. You tell her that you feel it is important that she knows you love her and would not do anything to damage her relationship with her parents, but that you felt this was a manipulative behavior her mother exhibited. You tell her that you wish for her to feel empowered to make decisions about her own mind, body, and well being regardless of ANYONE’S opinions, however you would appreciate being informed as you both wish to be her partner and so e decisions may have a lasting impact on you and your decisions.
You say “literally forced” but did her mom sneak them in her food? did she hold her by the face and force feed them down her throat? Forgive the vulgarity, but unless she was in fact “literally forced”, the bigger problem is that your wife needs to grow a backbone and learn how to say and to MEAN the word “no”. I would suggest she looks into assertiveness training; it’s one of the most effective psychological interventions out there. Don’t let your wife off the hook so easily for capitulating to her overbearing mother.
I’d be willing to bet “literally forced” is literally an exaggeration
I think there’s a lot going on here. Because bcp are not that traumatic.
Hi OP.
I think your first priority should be your wife’s wellbeing and safety. She’s been carrying trauma over this for a while. I know it’s natural to feel upset she didn’t tell you immediately but we have to remember your mother in law probably led her to believe it’s what every wife should do for her wedding night and a husband would be grossed out otherwise. Your MIL may even have been herself conditioned to accept these beliefs and possibly does not realise how damaging this is. Basically what I’m saying is, please don’t feel upset that your wife wasn’t able to tell you at the time, but instead focus on the fact that she has told you now, clearly she felt safe and secure enough to be able to overcome the social conditioning and disclose this to you.
My advice would be to do what will help her most through this. It may be that she would rather you didn’t confront her mother. Please allow your wife the time and space she needs to process what’s happened and what’s best for her. Be guided by your wife in this. Definitely do not make any actions based on your anger.
I don’t know what the situation is like in your country but if you can find a therapist who will not also share similar cultural values to your mother in law, then your wife would greatly benefit from professional support for the trauma she has experienced.
That is severely toxic of her mother and also medically abusive. Forcing someone to take any medication that they do not want to take, under circumstances that do not aid in the health and well-being of the person taking those forced meds is not something done out of love. This is controlling and for all you or your wife know, could be detrimental to your wife’s health. Especially if the mother got the meds from the doctor under the pretense that it was for her, or did not follow the prescription intake as advised by the pharmacy or doctor. Your wife needs to talk to her medical doctor and a therapist. She also needs to ensure that her mother no longer has any access to her medical records and can’t talk to any doctor or nurse without her verbal, in person consent. Make she her mother has no medical power of attorney over her, and can’t make medical decisions for her. Also talk to a lawyer about where to go from here. It may be possible to press charges against her. At the very least use this to look into a restraining order if possible. And try to convince your wife to do both the above and go no contact with her mother. This was not okay and she willingly and knowingly caused your wife harm. Even if it is not physical and she is okay, it was emotional and mental distress and harm. The therapy for your wife is so she can come to grips with how narcissistic and controlling her mother is to pull a stunt like this.
Um…what?
Like so… she statyed them at the regular time frame…and took them regular. So…she had her period.on schedule?
Like…so?
Was it not a good match for her…if that’s the case you talk to the doctor *someone* had to see.to get that prescription amd say that and there are others.
Once you find a good one since not planning on kids any time soon check if that one has an implant. Often not considered (and by nature we trust someone to take a pill each day!?!? Fuckkk… I don’t have any culkue.one day to next. I’d take 6 then none for 2 weeks and be like wtf?) But, although a woman gotta say if it worked well and treated me right
..no period at all and no little pill tray thing? Fuck yeah.
(Donate blood regularly to compensate for lack of menstruation to help reduce the risk of heart stuff back down to non-birth control levels. Not yet proven but assumed by at least one guy who wrote a book…makes since actually…but I don’t wanna bore you. Save one life and Mayne your own too.)
>but i’m afraid i’d ruin something
You’re already married, you can scorch the earth if you want. If you simply just take it then that’s the precedent for her family do treat you however they feel like, including the dishonest actions that they’ve subjected you both to.
Pretty big red flag if she keeps secrets with her mom and doesn’t fill you in, though. I would anticipate your wife simply wanting to sweep everything under the rug to maintain ‘niceties’, but would likely undermine you via rolling over and accepting whatever treatment her parents decide.
Excommunicating people from your life is a valid option.
Your MIL is awful.
But your wife is a mess too. No one can force you to take pills.
Is she 16???
The that’s fucked
Follow your wife’s lead on this one. You can articulate that you want to confront her or cut contact or whatever but it is up to your wife to create that boundary with her mother…just support her however she needs you…and be understanding if she isn’t ready to fully cut that toxic woman out of her life…it’s not always as easy as “you don’t exist anymore”