>If someone is still single by a certain age, there’s a reason why.
That’s the answer I got when I asked a friend’s dad when I was 13 why they weren’t seeing anyone. It’s an answer that I’ve thought of every now and then, but it’s also something I’ve definitely been coming back too over the past little while.
So here I am, late twenties, working seventy hours a week and wondering what the hell I need to do in order to have… well, any kind of a life, really. But especially a life that I’d want to share with someone else, and that someone else would want to share with me.
But while I secure the promotion that has me set until the day I retire, while I get my life stabilized, while I get myself in shape and just in general go about the things that stereotypically make one a better person, I keep coming back to the nagging suspicion that I’m already playing from behind. Or, worse, that it’s already too late and there’s a reason why I’m single.
After all, when was the last time *you* had heard of someone never even having been on a date by 27? Hell, I can’t think of a single one of my peers from high school that hadn’t settled down and started a family by 25. I’ve got exactly zero free time now, and while that will be changing soon a fair amount of autism-induced social anxiety means that something like 90% of the things I’d think most obvious for meeting new people are out the window, and the facts that I can’t dance and don’t like alcohol mean my backup plan of just going to somewhere whose sole purpose of meeting new people (aka a club, bar, or similar) and seeing what happens will probably be about as effective as legs on a fish.
So while I’m going about doing all these things, I am very much aware that the clock is ticking. So what’s the alarm set for? What’s the time where I need to start being worried about this – where just being single is a good enough reason for me to remain single?
18 comments
It’s only too late if you’re dead
I’m in my late 30s and have never dated. I never met anyone locally I liked enough to pursue that with, and I had other priorities. I’m fine with that because this isn’t a race.
I’ve kept that statement in mind when dating online. Remember the “reason” can be benign. Spending your 20s working/traveling/etc is completely legit.
Some single people in their late 20s and 30s have had one or more relationships that didn’t work out. Could be death, could be divorce, or maybe they were committed to someone and discovered they had different goals.
When you meet someone it is usually worth your while to figure out what “the reason” is. It is likewise worthwhile to be honest with yourself about your “reason.” Work on it, if you need to.
Beyond that, I wouldn’t worry about a timeline.
It’s not easy, but there is no rule to this. Dating is awkward and more difficult for people that lack social skills for various reasons, but there is no logic to what your friend’s dad said. People can stay single for a variety reasons. The two general terms are choice and circumstance. It’s far better to take your time and learn about yourself than force yourself to settle for something that will bring you no joy.
Stop working so much, that’s retarded. I work to live, I dont live to work
I know a girl 38, still single, calling me now. There is a reason. But my better judgements will give in to horniness at some point.
I would say it’s respectable to work your ass off in your early 20’s until your early 30’s. As you mentioned, you are building the foundation for a financially secure future which is great for you and the person you end up with. With that being said, nothing wrong with going out one evening or morning and doing something you enjoy but be ok with branching out and talking to someone while out. Chances are that if you are both in a place voluntarily on your own, it means you both most likely enjoy it (like an book store and enjoy reading). I would say if you get past your 40s then maybe push a bit harder to meet someone.
Ive never ever tasted alcohol & I love dancing but I didn’t need to dance to interact with my current gf
You can meet people at other places & the main thing I’m seeing holding you back is your confidence/assumptions about dating such as only being able to meet people at a bar
Go to a place you actually like
However if you’re working 70 hours a week, do you even have time to go on dates dude?
“What the hell do I need to do to have any kind of life”
Not work 70 hrs a week.
Eh. I didn’t get a girl until I was 28 due to my own depression and anxiety issues, and we are a year strong so far. Life isn’t about meeting milestones, it’s about living
My close relative is attractive, in shape, great job etc. He only met his now partner at 40. He had a few long term relationships. Why so late? He just was not ready and was self aware enough to not settle because he felt pressured. The other girls were great but just not right.. and at the right time
It’s up to you I guess…I know it’s too late for me but I can’t say the same for anyone else
I frame this in a different way, I think. I saw what a bad long term marriage did to my Dad, so I view single life as a stable middle ground.
Yeah, having a loving relationship with a great woman would be awesome, but getting it wrong is, to me, the worst case scenario. I can be content with being single the rest of my life if it meant I didn’t get it wrong.
Another note, as someone else diagnosed with autism: the “ins” for starting a relationship can be incredibly hard for us to spot. There is a cut and thrust to the social aspect, from the approach to the dates themselves. We aren’t going to intuitively get the flirting, the “signs” (which I learned were a thing earlier this year, I’m 29 btw), and when we should or should not do take certain actions.
I don’t have any direct advice to offer on that, but don’t take it too hard if you get tripped up. Also, stop working 70 hours a week if you can afford to. You’re going to burn out, and burnouts are hell for us. I’ve been through a few.
The good news is that you aren’t a woman and, so your “window” is wide-open.
I’m 36 now and didn’t start dating until I was 33. I don’t have many regrets about it. I’ve never been very tolerant of people’s bs, even in high school. So I guess I was r-pilled constantly in my 20’s hearing other men’s experiences. I think that establishing your life first as a man is very undervalued. I would say that it’s more difficult to establish your career after establishing a relationship and family.
When you are ready, I would suggest doing social hobbies where you can meet women. You can find someone with a similar interest and you don’t even have to be good at said hobby.
It’s never too late.
I didn’t meet the man I would marry until I was 27.
Chill out. Your time is coming. When you are in your thirties and have a successful career the women will be lined up.
Watch out for the retreads who discarded the men they married earlier.
You also want to avoid the “club” women who have seen more dicks than a gym coach.
Being single is GREAT. And it gets better and better as you get older.
27 is young. Too young to think about a serious relationship, IMO. Keep hustling while you can. Once you change gears with a SO it’s going to be difficult to work 70 hours and keep the relationship.