No, it’s not erectile dysfunction. Thank god it’s not. I have a carnal hunger I cannot sate. An itch I cannot quite scratch.
Context; I dated a girl for about a year and a half and then she left me over the holidays. During our time, we did the deed a lot, and I really mean A LOT, like every time we saw each other, which was almost every day bc she used to (still does) live a mile from me. More context, this girl took my virginity when I was 19, we didn’t even wait, we ended up having sex not even 2 weeks into it. Well for a while things would be great then it would be really shifty then back to great, then when she left, I haven’t had a girlfriend or had sex since.
It’s now almost 2 years since then and I’m very much at a low point mentally. I’ve not had any luck with dating or hookup apps, adult websites are starting to lose appeal. I’m not a very attractive person (not a pity post, just being real with myself), I’m balls to the wall weird, but I try my best to be the best boyfriend or sexual partner I can be. Somehow I can’t help but feel empty. Is this a condition or am I just going insane?
4 comments
Probably need some other hobbies to distract yourself from sex
There is no getting out of the rabbit hole, only deeper.
There’s a story out there about a woman who went to see a psychologist with some complaint or other and she said to him “I hope there’s something wrong with me”.
He was sort of taken aback and said “Why do you hope there’s something wrong with you?”
She responded “Well, if there’s something wrong with me, maybe we can fix it. If there’s something wrong with the whole world that is causing this, then I’m utterly fucked”. I don’t think she said “utterly fucked”, but you get the idea.
Four things:
1. Start exercising for 1 hour a day, Saturdays and Sundays included. Mix up weight lifting and “zone two” (do a web search) cardio. Do the cardio outside, preferably first thing in the morning.
2. Do a web search on “Smart Goals”. Research it. Then start setting and reaching some. See #1 for good “starting” goals.
3. Grooming and body composition. Women–in general, as a rule–aren’t as visually driven as men. Even ugly guys get girlfriends, but women *do* notice things like grooming and body composition. Get a decent haircut–not necessarily length, but neatness. SHAVE regularly, use a clippers to keep a “5 day growth” or grow a short neat beard, but *be presentable*. Wear clean clothes that fit and are neat. T-shirts and jeans are fine. Awesome even. Ripped and stained t-shirts are for losers and punk rockers. And you’re too young to be a real punk rocker.
4. Go where the women who are looking for men are. Dungeons and Dragons is fun, but it’s a heavily male dominated environment. Go find the women’s version of Dungeons and Dragons. Maybe a reading club.
#1 is to deal with your mindset, to straighten your back, and to get your to be healthier. Healthy is attractive to everyone.
#2 is to deal with your self-esteem. Contrary to the participation trophy assholes, self-esteem comes from taking on progressively harder challenges and succeeding. Graduating 8th grade is not an achievement. Neither is Highschool (for most people. Some people come from shitty backgrounds, and that IS an achievement). So you need to figure out what needs to be done to improve yourself and your life, then figure out the subset of those things that are in your grasp, set up a plan to get those things and then *do it*.
As you achieve those things you will feel more confidence, and you will be more capable of living in the world.
Both of those things are things that *are* attractive to women looking for mates. They are also attractive to hiring managers. Two for the price of one.
If you’re at a low point mentally and working up to 80 hours per week, I wonder if you might be over-stressed and subconsciously using sex (in this case, adult websites) as a distraction and source of stress-relief. If that’s been your primary source of stress relief, that may be why your current habits are losing your appeal and you feel a stronger drive to hookup
If it is stress, I kinda agree that finding or investing more in your hobbies might help, not only in managing your stress but also giving you opportunities to meet people that could lead to dating or hookups? If you’re not confident in your appearance or “weirdness” then you may have better luck finding folks who share in your weirdness and connect to you as a person, as opposed to using dating/hookup apps where you’re more likely to be judged on your appearance and first impression.
If it’s not stress though, it may just be part of you being young–being insatiably horny in your early 20s isn’t too unheard of