41 yr old male, divorced, in recovery for some years now. To get to the point, I isolate myself everywhere I go, work, home, doesn’t matter. I’m a full time father so I never go out anywhere. I do have a girlfriend of 4 years, for some reason she won’t leave me (yet). I will ignore her texts, and calls, lie and say I didn’t hear it. At work I am alone all day due to the nature of my job, but we do have times of the day where everyone is together and bullshitting. At the beginning of the day, lunch, and the end of the day. I can go weeks on end not saying a word to anyone. Sometimes I’ll joke with someone, but I keep it super short then bounce, into my office area which is separate from the group. In the past I was a piece of shit employee I’ll admit. Since I got clean things have changed and I’d say I’m a great employee now. For whatever reason I get anxious just walking into the room when I know everyone is there. I can hear them talking, and I always assume it’s about me for some reason, so I avoid them altogether. Today I was invited to lunch by a senior guy at work and my response was ” why would I wanna do that”.
The thing is, I probably would have went but the question caught me off guard. In 5 years I eat alone every single day, so I was not expecting that, not to mention my response was a total dick move. I feel like I’m turning into that angry old man that wants to be left alone, but also wants friends…this was eating me alive for quite some time so I had to write this. Thanks for reading
5 comments
you have anxiety
go to therapy, take ssri, and start meditation
As someone who has been on SSRIs for 15 years, I wish I never started and just allowed myself to feel what a felt. Now on SSRIs – I’m not depressed or anxious – cause I don’t feel anything.
I know this isn’t probably the “good advice.” Good advice is to go to therapy and take the SSRIs. I’m just providing a different perspective.
Here’s one impression I get: You are covering the real negative emotion with another negative emotion, crankiness/hostility/negativity. Underneath that is something more vulnerable.
In terms of how you’re distancing yourself from everyone especially your girlfriend, I would suggest looking into attachment theory and what time in your life this pattern is caused by. Sometimes really understanding what is causing the pattern can loosen its grip on you and give you the space to make more authentic choices.
Try being nicer to other people. You’ll feel better
That sucks man. I experience the reaction you described. About the lunch, just be authentic with that guy. Say it was unexpected and you’d like to go to lunch next time, if he’d be down