I’m not sure what to say or where to begin so this may seem incoherent. To start off, something about myself, I’m a young adult (guy), I think I’ve been depressed for the better part of a decade now. I’ve tried to work on my social skills, talking to people and trying to keep in touch. But it hasn’t worked out. Things either die really quickly or I become that person they speak with to kill time when their “group” is unavailable. Even a dude I game with for hours will just hang with his group in college and only ever make a few remarks to me. I don’t really get invited to be a part of the group or just hang out. I’m not great with participating either after there are more than 2-3 people as I never know how to keep up or contribute (Inside jokes just kill anything as more often than not they just tell me to ignore it when I ask for context and I just end up feeling alienated). I’m not sure at this point in regards to what to do to make meaningful friends who care about me or to hang out with. Keep in mind I’m speaking about just friends, mainly guys but sometimes girls, I don’t try for anything romantic or even give any sort of vibe like that (mainly because I’m not very interested in that at the moment). I’ve tried opening up to people with whom I’ve had relatively more and more meaningful interaction about my struggle to socialise or social anxiety, but they just brush it off or make some joke about me regarding it. Not sure what to do at this point or that I can even do anything about it.
3 comments
I understand you want deeper connections. But in order for people to do that, they have to have a strong reason to do so. That comes from the quality of interactions you have had with them in person in the past. Do you talk to these people in person ? How have your interactions been with them ? Do you ask them questions and listen to what they say ? Do you answer their questions and do so confidently ? Do you bring positive vibes to your social interactions and do you leave people with positive impressions of yourself ? People notice the way you act and carry yourself around them. They take into account your self confidence and the vibes you give off.
There are verbal and nonverbal cues that signal to people you lack confidence and give off negative vibes. These are some of the tell tale signs. One is you text people way more than they text you. You probably text them everyday (or some high frequency), when they don’t even do the same to you. You’re probably sending them paragraphs, while they are sending you one word answers or sentences. Or you’re that person that emotionally reacts and confronts people when they don’t respond to you for whatever reason. People know when you are attached to them. Remember that friendships are not codependent relationships. You need to be living a separate life outside of your friends and not be depending so much on your friends for their time, attention, validation, reassurance, or approval. The truth is people are hardwired to be repulsed by neediness, clinginess, and desperation.
People also subconsciously attach you to the value you bring. Do you have skills, talents, or hobbies that can impact people ? Offer to help people in some aspect of life. People respect those kinds of things. Even if you can’t directly impact people, they will still respect you because you are actively doing something in life besides just socialization. Chase excellence, not people !
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It seems like those people just don’t see you as part of their group. Just seek out people YOU feel like you’re similar to.