They suddenly started to want to hang out with me more but they keep saying that ”I hope it’s not too much of me” thing like…
Dude, we barely see each other and we are close friends (or at least we used to be, I don’t know anymore)… how can I be annoyed when we don’t see each other?
It looks like… They are afraid of being annoying? But they never were like this, they always were the ones ignoring everybody and prioritizing work over family and friends so… sometimes I even doubt that they care about others as they care about them.
My cynical brain is telling me the rest of their friends ignored them so now they came to me.
Edit: some of you said that it could be social anxiety? I think it can be a plausible reason (although it’s so strange because I saw them in social gatherings and they are always bubbly and talkative… I’m a hermit compared to them imo). Although it’s true that they compulsively talk to fill the silence, they confessed.
I’m trying to say that I care about them, although sometimes It’s hard because it feels so one sided and ice cold. I don’t like to appear emotionally vulnerable/needy in front of distant people due to past experiences, because I’m afraid these people will lose respect for me after showing I miss them, but I’m doing my best. I know I’m not the best person/friend in the world, I’m kinda shitty sometimes, but I’m trying my best. I also deal with avoidant type attachment.
3 comments
Your friend sounds depressed, mate. Maybe he really values your company but since he undervalues himself, he believes it to be a bother for you to do something as simple as paying him a visit.
People change. Sometimes they focus on work for too long and lose touch with friends. Then the total feeling of isolation and lack of friends causes them to be super nervous around people making it difficult to make new friends or reconnect to old ones. And they might be felling guilty because they know it’s their fault for not giving enough time to their friends.
My advice is to take the initiative sometimes. Show them that you want to be their friend and that you aren’t upset that they sidelined you for a time. Maybe see if you can involve some other old friends. Help them reconnect. It will boost their confidence and let them relearn how to go through life with friends rather then just doing everything alone.
Trust me, it can be hard to believe people want to be friends with you, especially old forgotten friends, when you feel guilty about sidelining friends and have forgotten how to treat other people as more then colleagues and acquittances.
Your cynical brain might be correct. This is one of the things that lonely and unconfident people say. It in general is a negative vibe. The truth is they don’t really care if they are too much of an effort for you. The deeper and real reason they say this is they are feeling unworthy of a social interaction with you and they are looking for you to validate them by confirming it is not too much seeing them.
In general, people are hardwired to be repulsed by those that actively or passively seek validation. They gravitate towards confidence and positive vibes.