My boyfriend and I have been together for three years, and I’ve only recently been discovering more about myself kink-wise. He’s always expressed that he’s fairly vanilla. He’s said he’s willing to try new things if I want to, but he doesn’t care to for himself. However, I don’t want to try anything that he isn’t gonna like because I know if he’s just doing it for me with no pleasure for himself it won’t be enjoyable for either of us.
Any advice on how to go about having a conversation with him about this? Or maybe even how to interest him in learning more about himself sexually (without pressuring him of course)?
5 comments
“Hey, come look at what I found on the internet about _____. What do you think about this?”
It sounds like he had already agreed to experiment. Just find a couple of things you’re interested in and ask him if he would like to try.
The thing about trying is that you don’t know in advance what the outcome will be. Feel free to experiment and come to the honest conclusion that this particular thing is not for you, or is kind of nice but not worth asking for. There’s things that maybe he will enjoy too, or he won’t get any special pleasure out of it except that it brings you pleasure, and he may well be fine with doing those things more. The important thing I guess is just to clear everything beforehand, and then have an honest discussion afterwards about how you found it.
It sounds like you’re trying to anticipate his reactions – which is something you cannot possibly do for another person, unless you are a mind reader.
The fact is, he has told you he is vanilla BUT is willing to try new things. That is all you can ask for. Yes, you might find a few things you try that he says he’s not interested in beyond trying it once, that is part of any relationship experimenting; and if he’s never tried it before, it’s impossible to predict how he will react. If you express an idea to him and he says he’d be OK giving it a go, GIVE IT A GO; that is literally him giving consent and agreeing to try it out.
Just to address this comment, one I see quite often from women on here actually:
> if he’s just doing it for me with no pleasure for himself it won’t be enjoyable for either of us.
Can you honestly say that you have NEVER, EVER, with ANY partner either past or present, done ANYTHING in bed for your partner that does not directly physically pleasure you as well? You’ve never done anything purely to please him and to give you the emotional satisfaction of pleasing your partner? Has EVERY literal single thing you have EVER done in bed ALSO directly given you physical pleasure? I’m willing to bet the answer is no, because the emotional satisfaction of knowing you are pleasing your partner is also HUGELY enjoyable. Somehow, SO many women never seem to think that men think this way as well – if he agrees to do it for you, or does it himself, it’s not “just to please you”, it’s because he knows you enjoy it and knowing he’s doing a good job pleasing you makes him feel good. It’s like trying to get into a locked house for ages by trying to break down the door with a battering ram, and then suddenly finding the key and being able to open the door.
It sounds like he happens to know himself quite well already – he’s more vanilla than you, but is willing to entertain ideas you might like. That’s a GOOD thing. If you try it and he says afterwards that he enjoys it, then keep doing it, if he says it’s not something he enjoyed then don’t do it again.
One way to have that conversation without necessarily having to have the full awkwardness could be done with the following:
– [MojoUpgrade](https://mojoupgrade.com)
– [Sexionnaire](https://sexionnaire.com)
– [We Should Try It](https://www.weshouldtryit.com)
– [Carnal Calibration](https://carnalcalibration.com/en)
– [Spicer App](https://spicer.app)
These can provide an opportunity to answer a variety of questions, often showing only those that with a Yes-Yes and Maybe-Yes combination. It can be a more enveloping approach that doesn’t require as awkward of a start to a conversation.
I wrote this article about [how to start conversations about kinkier sex](https://sexyfunadvice.com/2022/08/how-do-i-have-a-conversation-about-kinkier-sex/). It has some shows to watch together as well as some apps to use.