I live somewhere pretty rural. I am autistic with anxiety and ADHD.
I am struggling basically with all stages of dating. I would ideally like to have a long term relationship with the right person but failing that being able to see someone as an FWB, or being able to hook up any amount at all whatsoever, would be vastly superior to my situation at the minute.
In terms of finding someone, I feel like I’m out of options. I get very few matches on Tinder when I’ve tried it (currently trying it again now), and when I do get matches they don’t text me back, and I feel like no dating apps work for me.
I’m out of uni and a lot of my friends from school have moved away. I’ve lost a lot of my social network for other reasons (beyond my control, not to do with anything I’ve done) since the pandemic.
I don’t drink bc of the meds I’m on. I don’t wanna go into nightclubs at all bc I worry about hooking up and become anxious in case I get rejected (I know it’s not a rational thing to fixate on, but I struggle to cope being in an unstructured environment like that).
I’ve tried going into bars but I’m still not very comfortable. I’m anxious about approaching women, anxious in case I don’t know what to say or if I say the wrong thing, anxious in case I don’t move the convo along or indicate interest sufficiently, anxious in case I come across too strong and alienate them, and so on.
I have hobbies/interests but they’re either too white-collar or male-dominated to try to meet dates in.
I have managed to go on a couple of dates in the last 6 months but there wasn’t a spark – I don’t know if that’s because I didn’t indicate interest sufficiently – but in any case these women live far away and I can’t see them frequently at all.
I am at a loss. I don’t know what to do. I feel like I’m bashing my head against a brick wall and struggling in silence with something a lot of people find much easier than I do (which isn’t to say it’s necessarily very easy for everyone else).
I would appreciate any advice. Thanks.
4 comments
Please friend , know that you very special, and there’s someone special for you out there. Another thing I can say is focus on other aspects of life besides just finding that special person for you. I’m not saying not to keep trying , it’s good you’re trying but remember, don’t let it get you down . Be glad you’re someone that cares about these things and have clarity knowing you’re a lot better than most men out here who only wanna bang a girl and forget them.
Alright so assuming you have transportation, heres what you gota do. Change your dating app settings -> location to the nearest big city. Rural areas are ***absolutely awful*** for men – its a quick method to torturing yourself into feeling youre ForeverAlone™. Very few people, even less your age, and even less that have traits you find attractive. You need a much bigger pool to find someone who will be a good fit for you.
Yea, you might have to drive 1-2 hours every weekend to spend time with her, but its worth it for the right person. The distance will help you get to know the person on terms that you’re comfortable with — vis a vis text/messenger chat (hopefully).
P.S. You should also try using other apps (Hinge / Bumble / Tinder are generally the best).
Find another neurodivergent individual. They’re more likely to be understanding of your limitations
I’m also autistic and I didn’t have a serious relationship with a woman until I was 28 as a result. My dating experiences have not worked out. I’m 38 however, and now my current relationship is working a lot better because she is autistic as well, which makes it seem to work better. I say hold out and keep on searching.
However, I saw keep your options of neurotypical people, open as well though, since neurodivergent is difficult to find though.
I would also say keep your options wide though as well. A lot of people like to date a very specific type and I think that limits their options too much but that’s just my experience.