Just turned 21 and it’s really hit me that I’ve barely ever had friends? I started to look at the socials of people from my school and literally everyone has got pictures with their friends, and big groups of friends? I had a few friends in school but we were the nerdy type and i don’t think i really fit in, but i don’t think i’ve ever fitted in anywhere. I think i’ve always had social anxiety so have found it hard to talk to people but since leaving school, and not going to uni, I’ve realised the years have passed and I’ve made no memories. The past couple of years I’ve dated guys and i love my current bf but I’ve completely focused on the wrong thing. I should have gone to uni if i wanted to have any chance of making friends and now it’s too late…I should also mention I’ve suffered from depression for two years now, mainly because of my lack of social life. Getting to the point where i don’t want to live anymore. What should I do?
3 comments
First of all, seek help for the depression and suicidal thoughts (or the lack of a will to live). You don’t want mental illness to steal any more of your life, trust me.
Friends come and go. I’m almost 30 with one friend with whom I barely talk. I have my wife who is always there for me, but I am content that I don’t fit in anywhere and that extramarital friends are not something I’ll enjoy for my life.
Why do you say you’re focused on the wrong thing? There’s far more to life than having friends. *Far* more. I honestly can’t believe the fulfillment and joy I’ve had doing things alone and not worrying about maintaining friendships, which is a lot of work and honestly quite stressful (especially when I have to carry conversations and the like).
You have a few options. Accept the way things are now and be content; seek out communities of people who share your same interests; or become a lonely, bitter individual. I suggest the first two. People of the latter variety are insufferable.
You’re 21. You’re very young still. Hell, I’m still young in the grand scheme of things. It is silly to say it’s “too late” to make friends. Death is the only time it’s too late to start or find something.
This seems more of a discontent with your general life more than anything, which is causing your depression. This always take a wee bit for me to pull myself out of. This is what I do:
1. Write in my gratitude journal. There were days o wrote “it is sunny today.” It was something that made me slightly happy. My entries got better of time.
2. I started some hobbies that took me outside my home and away from my partner- meaning I don’t do things with him all the time.
3. Therapy. It may take a bit to find the right therapist, but once you do, it will be very helpful. I didn’t need a medication, so that wasn’t a hurdle I had to cross.
4. I don’t “fit in” with much. I never have. I have learned to be content with my individuality. I have now qualms about going on trips alone, exploring new places or activities on my own. I’ve met interesting people and done things I’ve never thought I would do.
One final question: why can’t you go to uni now that you are older? You can always continue your education. Or is this more along the lines of the experience at that particular age?
“The best time to plant a tree was 20 years ago. The second best time is right now.”
It’s never too late. My social life blossomed in my 30s. There are ways to make friends outside of education. Bars are a decent place especially if they have some fun activities there like Pool or Darts. You might consider joining a recreational sports league like Bowling, or Kickball. It’s going to be awkward. You’re going to feel out of place. Just remember that the vast majority of people are looking for connection and likely feel just as out of place as you do.
I get feeling regret for how you lived your teenage years. Make sure you don’t end up feeling the same about your 20s.