Question from a lonely young adult (22F): My friendships are always indifferent and always end. What am I doing wrong? (Long story)

I haven’t had a close friend since before junior high, when my mother decided to move to a different neighborhood. I started high school and lived in an area that didn’t have many people that are racially or culturally like me. It was hard for me to make friends and ultimately, I left high school with only a few casual friends that I rarely see. When I went to college, something similar happened, except I walked away with no friends once I graduated. Everyone was nice to me and there were people I chatted with in my classes but it never amounted to more. Of course, covid didn’t help the situation either.

The only place I had left to make friends would be my workplace. I had been with my company since I was sixteen and stayed until my senior year of college. Over the course of those years, I became friendly with almost everyone who worked there. I did make a friend from it early on. We worked everyday almost and thus, saw each other everyday. We even hung out after work often. She was my first real friend since I was a small child. I even got to know her family and spent the holidays with them. I come from a broken up family that doesn’t stay in contact with one another and doesn’t come together for the holidays. This was something special to me and I’ll forever me grateful to her for showing me that kindness. We shared another friend, a guy that she took interest in. Eventually, she alloted most of her free time to being with him and we slowly grew apart when they started dating.

I reconnected with a friend from high school not long after that. On occasion, we would hang out but we mostly chatted (daily) through text or Snapchat. She had a lot of obligations: a family she actually had relationships with, boyfriends and more friends. It was hard to schedule anything with her, as she was always so busy. I, also, went to school full-time and worked quite a bit. We made it work sometimes but it often fell on me to adjust my schedule accordingly. Often times, I would end up disappointed because she’d have something planned with her other friends or something else with someone would come up and she would raincheck. When we did manage to get together, it was nice. I really enjoyed being around her and I think even to the extent that I had feelings for her. I’m not too sure but it hurt never being able to see her in person (almost like a physical pain). At one point, I did tell her I needed a break and told her how it felt seeing her so rarely. We started talking again a few months later and things were much better. She made time for me and it finally felt like I meant something to someone.

She, too, faded away with time. I was worried at first when she didn’t answer my messages. It wasn’t like her to not respond ever but she didn’t. I mailed off a letter and even dropped a written invitation to my birthday party with her mother few months ago but heard nothing back. It hurt, which is an understatement. We had known each other since we were fourteen (started hanging out much later) and I really loved her and her family. I spent two Christmas’ with them and some casual visits at their home. I went to some of her little brother’s hockey games and even went to his last birthday party. And again, regardless of the fact that she suddenly stopped talking to me now, I’m forever grateful that she welcomed me to her home when I needed it the most.

Nowadays, I don’t have anyone that I’m close with in my life. My mother and I never really talk, especially not about my feelings. She would consider me ungrateful if I was honest with her about feeling down sometimes or lecture me when I make a mistake I already feel terrible about. Sometimes an old friend will reach out to me when they need someone to talk to. I’m pretty good at listening, even if I can’t always give good advice. But, I find myself unable to do the same. Whenever things get bad, and that’s been often as of late, I have no one to talk to.

I’ve seen two different therapists in the past two years and both have said similar things. I need to get out and socialize more and I’ve tried. I put myself out there last year, talking with coworkers around my age and trying to build friendships with them. I’ve met some really nice people who treat me well, but it’s next to impossible to plan something with them and go out. At one point, I connected with two of my coworkers really well and for a moment, we would go places and do fun things. Suddenly, it stopped. They both entered relationships; I understood that between their new partners, work and school, I would see them less often. I never imagined that I wouldn’t hear from them at all.

That left only two people (both former coworkers), one who recently invited me out to celebrate her birthday with her. I adore them both but the same issue still arises. When they have free time to spend, they spend it with people that they are closer, too. Which is understandable. I know I’m not as close to them as they are with other people from their childhood or high school. Still, it hurts when I extend an invitation to do something, only for it to be immediately rejected. I recently invited them both out to a themed brunch, my treat, without giving even a date yet. Both of them told me they couldn’t because they weren’t sure of their plans with their other friends the week before Halloween. Also, that they were busier in general and weren’t sure when they would be free.

It sounds silly bit I cried afterwards, frustrated with myself because I don’t have close friends and I don’t have a best friend. The best I can describe my social life is that I’ve had best friends who have best friends, other people that they connect with more but they are all I have. At twenty-two years old, I’m unsure of how to build new connections. I’ve tried apps like Bumble BFF but I haven’t really connected with anyone. I do still go out places, I take myself on solo dates often but it gets lonely after awhile. I enjoy my own company but sometimes I just need someone else there to share the experience with. At first, sitting amongst people in public was enough. But, the more I people watch, the more I want to experience what they have. How do I build connections with people at my age? How do I grow close to other people? I don’t really know but I’m writing this and putting out there on the internet for anyone who wants to read and give their input. It is all much appreciated. Thank you in advance to everyone who took the time to read my story and respond. It means more to me than you’ll ever know.