every aspect of my life has fallen apart and idk what to do

trigger warning: heavily discusses body dysmorphia and body image

this is a long one

(btw i’m 18 and a female)

the past three to four months of my life have been absolute hell. when i say everything’s falling or fallen apart, i genuinely mean that, i’m gonna break everything down into sections beginning with perhaps the most important

body image –
around july i had to attend a mandatory 5-week program at my current university, as an incoming freshman part of a financial aid program. around dinner time on the first day is when i had a mental breakdown and wanted to go home. this is because i felt like so many people were staring at me. it’s important to note that i became extremely comfortable wearing my mask around people during peak pandemic. comfortable to the point where i never took it off. i never wanted people to see my face. i think i was always aware that i looked off putting, but being at the program was kind of a huge slap in the face for me. taking it off was like ripping a bandaid off i wasn’t prepared for. ever since then my self image has gotten worse. it almost felt as thought i didn’t notice how weird and just not normal i’ve looked my entire life. it’s gotten to the point where i’ve isolated myself socially and had pretty frequent suicidal thoughts. i’ve talked to almost everyone about this issue. i’ve talked to most of my family who i’m not even close with, i’ve talked to my friends, i’ve had the same conversations with people over and over again. i’m at a complete loss of being able to cope with any of this.

i don’t know that it’s even worth getting into why i dislike the way i look, again i just don’t look normal imo. at first it was my nose, i think it’s broken as a result of a dumb accident i got into when i was younger where i landed on my face and split my nose open. it’s definitely crooked but literally everyone tells me otherwise. thing is, i’ve looked at my nose more than anyone else. i’ve looked at various angles, my side profile, my entire face. i know that it’s crooked/broken. i want to get surgery in the near future, however i already know that’s not going to solve the issue. in general, i think i look masculine. i legit look like a guy.

i think it’s a medical thing, and i’ve got an appointment in about a week that i’ve been waiting two months for. it’s with an endocrinologist and i’m hoping they tell me something’s wrong with me because that’d be better than there being nothing wrong with me and this genuinely being the way i look and will look for the rest of my life. i’m praying for a solution, however i’ve been advised by my therapist to prepare myself in case they tell me nothing’s wrong and nothing can be done.

the reason i put body dysmorphia trigger warning at the beginning of this is because i thought for a while maybe i was just perceiving myself in a skewed manner. at some point i was guessing what i’d look like before getting in front of a mirror, however i realize this may be because i was setting expectations as to how i wanted myself to look. i don’t know if that made any sense.

school –
this body image thing has become crippling to the point where i don’t even show up to class anymore. i haven’t been to general chem in three weeks. i’m extremely worried about failing this semester, my first semester. i dropped out of my expos class, dropping me to 11 credits and i’m failing 2 of the 3 classes i’m taking rn.

socially –
i haven’t been able to meet new people. that’s where i thrive. making new friends honestly brings out the best in me but right now i genuinely can’t do so. it’s either because i can’t bring myself to leave the house, stand before others without wearing a mask, or because i’m just too hideous for anyone to want to even consider talking to me. i’ve also been losing touch with people i considered close. i don’t know who’s a friend anymore at this point. maybe i did something wrong and that’s why people don’t like me. i only have my best friend and even then, that’s another problem. i’ve become extremely dependent on him for emotional support and his company. i know it’s unhealthy and i need to become self sufficient. this has always been an issue in my life.

the other day i was supposed to go play tennis with two of my friends who i haven’t seen since we graduated and it took me an hour to build up enough courage to get out of the car. i called my older sister three times because i legit couldn’t bring myself to do so. that’s the worst it’s ever gotten.

not meeting new people has also caused me to lose my spark. i love my personality when i have it. but i haven’t seen that side of me in weeks. i’m kind of just an empty shell trying to find a reason to keep going at this point.

this appointment is all i have. if nothing good comes out of it. i’m genuinely afraid that’s the end of the line for me.

i’m gonna end it here for now. to anyone who even reads all of this, thanks.