TL;DR?
My love language is acts of service, husband calls it slavery.
Me (27F) and husband (30M) have been together for 11 years now and married for 2 years. We have a 2 year old together and now also a 5 month old.
Recently I learned about love languages, and this explained a lot why I never felt “loved” or why I feel awkward with little touches and compliments.
I found out that my love language is “acts of service”.
So I tried to explain this to my husband, even found a list on Google with things that he could do for me to make me feel good and as we were going over the list I was like oh my god yes, yes, yes, I would love that!
Basically his response was:
“What the fuck is this? It sounds more like slavery! And half of those things I do already.”
He does give me like a massage or something, like once every 3-4 months. And basically he’s a teenager living in our house leaving his mess and clothes everywhere and having to force him to spend time with our children, can’t even handle 3 hours alone with the kids when I go do my nails and then calling me ridiculous for going to my friend to do my nails because she takes 3 hours and “nobody needs 3 hours to do your nails!”
I feel as if I will forever have to deal with this and feeling like I’m living with someone who I love, but am not getting the affection from which I would like. I also notice I’ve been doing “sexy things” on default just to please him and he’s starting to complain about this as well that I’m not “into it” anymore and he doesn’t like doing it with a “doll”.
Anyone who had a similar experience? Tips?
Currently have no money for therapy…
6 comments
What was on the list?
Your husband doesn’t seem to care whether or not you feel loved and cared for. Right now, he’s got a free maid and nanny for his children. It sounds like he never grew up and just expects a woman to take care of his every need while giving nothing in return. You will have to decide if this is how you want to live your life, or if you’d like to make some changes, with or without him.
For one, you both deserve the same amount of free time to do things you enjoy. All work is equal be it work outside the home or in the house, taking care of chores and children. If he has time to watch TV or play video games while you are cleaning up after dinner, doing laundry, etc., that’s not fair, unless you get an equal amount of free time to get your nails done or anything else you might want to do.
You need to have a serious discussion with him. Explain that his neglect of you makes you feel less affectionate to him, and that your relationship is not fair. If you can’t convince him that you need spare time and affectionate, non-sexual attention from him, let him know that you think you might each have happier lives apart from each other. He sounds like he needs a wake-up call before you contact a divorce lawyer.
Why are you cleaning up after an adult if you have kids? Why did you have kids with an emotional teenager? Why is he so incompetent that he can’t take care of his own offspring for a day? Don’t approach this from the love languages angle. He doesn’t get it and it makes things difficult cos he gets lost.
For household shit: She Divorced Me Because I Left Dishes By The Sink is an article that hit home with many men, but indeed only after dude was divorced and finally had to do his own dishes. ‘You should’ve asked’ by emma is a comic about the emotional baggage of managing a household.
It’s not sexy having to treat your partner in the same way as your toddler. If you’re too tired and too busy to feel sexy, he’s going to end up with a shitty sex life. Doll is the result and he has power to make changes. Tell him.
Talk to him. Open up to him. Also, what’s his love language?
Slow your roll a bit.
Love languages are not much more scientific than a standard Buzzfeed quiz. So, great that they helped you express yourself, but now put that aside.
The real issue in this marriage isn’t acts of service, it’s a basic lack of consideration and respect. Acts of service are often what people gravitate to the most when they feel unsupported or disregarded. You want it the most because it’s the thing that glaringly missing. You’ve got a grown-up living in your home who cannot pick up after himself and who cannot ‘babysit’ his own children without grumping, and you feel you are managing emotionally via sex.
It’s a demeaning feeling that will kill your love for him over time. I’d try to find the money. He needs to know his marriage is danger, not because of different love languages, but because he’s not acting like an adult.
While I do thoroughly enjoy the book and how it helps us express, a lot of the languages (and the fact that you have just one) does not seem scientifically proven to me.
Honestly, we all like some of those from time to time.
I am also on the same process as you’re being through, so I’ll post here to keep this post saved. In my case, I am a man that does lots / most chores. And I feel a lot of the lacking issues just show lack of care for me / my time, as if my time is worth less.
And I’m not even talking slavery levels (like I’m sure you are not talking slavery levels). Besides normal house chores (expected to split 50/50%, no bonus here) I also expect a couple of things I’d consider normal but showing affection – for example, she used to get herself a cup of coffee and not even offer me to bring me one. Same for anything she is doing that could be a moment to say “hey I was also thinking of you, would you like it?” and missing that opportunity time and time again. We are far from perfect, but we are improving I think.
I think you need to set clear limits, even though that is hard. Here what I complain most (and its becoming more common for her) are stuff like:
if I’m doing chores, I expect her to also be doing chores. I don’t slouch on the sofa if there is something to be done or if she is doing something, I also expect her to not work around if there is stuff to be done. If I get lazy on the couch while she is doing chores she can feel like I need her to mother me, which is a correct interpetation. I do not feel it’s OK/fair for one to work while the other just relax, specially if there is one who is never the relax one.
A second one is small acts of care. You go get a glass of water? Why not offer one. You go get you some fruit / snacks? Why not offer to bring some more. You going to the market? Why not ask if there is something the other one wants.
And the last one thing is organizing. Pick up your own trash; the house should be cleaner when you are around – not dirtier (of course, the same applies to me). If you can work something now that will take you a minute so that someone in the future won’t take 5 minutes to fix, you do it now. Especially if you know it will probably be someone else doing the fix later. Lack of want to spend 10s of your life and have your partner spend 30s of theirs just shows you value your time at least 3x more.