I can’t talk well

I’ve always been really anxious and self conscious whenever I had to talk to my teachers or any authority. I remember being like 8 and kind of practicing how to talk to my teacher.

When I was around that age my teacher thought my behavior was weird because I avoided eye contact, I used to stare at the floor and not talk to anyone in class, but only when she was there. Every time my teacher left I would become a different person and be social. I’ve always been self aware and that sucks when you’re a kid, I could see that my teacher was observing me and that made me feel worse and less willing to change anything. One day she asked to talk to me and asked if anything happened and I couldn’t say anything, I just remember being super embarrassed and nervous.

I don’t know where it comes from, but I’ve always been this way and it’s funny how I change to extremes in a minute.

Seminars have always been a nightmare, I felt like my heart would get out of my chest at any moment and it never got easier. I would study, practice what I had to say but nothing seem to help. It also affected my self esteem because I take these moments as public humiliations.

I don’t know what to do to change it, it’s taking a toll on me and now it’s worse because I feel this way in job interviews and even though I’m called for some, I rarely pass them because I suck. I’ve had some horrible experiences with this.

I get too insecure, I feel like I’m a fraud and they are going to find out I’m stupid and incompetent and I can’t stand having anyones attention outside of casual occasions, it’s like I’m constantly trying to read their mind and expressions while I try to make sense and be accepted. I end up stuttering, using inappropriate words, not expressing myself well and not being clear enough, I also tend to over simplify everything. I plan to talk for 10 minutes but then I talk for 1, for example.

I don’t know how to fix it, I feel like a fish out of water