23M ADHD, haven’t ever had enough female interaction. I just held hands with a girl that’s it. Now, I’ve decided I will learn all the skills required to court a woman. But, I do have a hard time picking up social cues.
So, I go on Tinder and I hardly get any matches. The people I match with are obese and literally have their hair falling out. Now, I don’t want to throw in the towel. Instead, I want to eventually cold approach a thousand women at least before I give up. But, whatever matches I do get, I see it as a way of learning. Learning to be relatable, learning to flirt etc.
Now, in this spirit, I’ve been in a conversation with a girl for 2 weeks now. I don’t find her attractive, I might even be a little repulsed. But, I see this as a chance to go on a practice date. I’ve never been on a date before. However, I think it’s too late to make my first date special. Should I do it?
Edit: Many people are enraged by my approach. I’m not trying to take advantage of anyone. I’m honestly concerned about ending up single forever. I never intended to hurt anyone. Please tell me what I should instead do to improve my courtship skills?
23 comments
I don’t usually encourage people to intentionally use others…. and you say you are repulsed by her that’s a pretty strong reaction.
No! that is an incredibly mean thing to do to that poor girl who likes you. Put yourself in her shoes she thinks you are attractive and probably thinks you are a nice guy, leave that girl alone and dont waste her time! This is honestly disgusting behavior
I think you should. You have a lot of catching up to do.
I’d even say it’s better to start with girls there’s no way you want to be with. Else I expect you to simp too much and get yourself destroyed.
No, not if this girl thinks it’s a real date. If you’ve been enjoying the conversation with her and can see yourself being friends with her, ask to meet her without leading her on. Something like, “I’m not sure there’s attraction here, but I’m enjoying our chats and think it’d be fun to meet. I’ve never actually been on a date before, would you like to go on a practice date with me?”
…but only if you’ve actually been enjoying the conversation. If you’re only talking to her because she’s willing to talk to you stop using her and move along.
In your studies, maybe start with the skills required to be social in general before focusing on “courting women.” Good luck out there.
If you’re honest about your intentions. Note that dating apps aren’t necessarily the best places to find women, since the majority of the users are men.
So if you have an option to meet women elsewhere, it would be advisable to do so. Note that the more comfortable you are with yourself and don’t mind spending time by yourself, the better. When someone is comfortable within themselves, the more women tend to gravitate towards them (just don’t be arrogant).
Edit: “Being single forever” is not necessarily a bad thing. Some of the happiest and most self-assured people I’ve known were single. Being single is not an indication of your value as a person.
Lmfao what a dumb strategy, have some empathy and ask yourself if you wouldn’t mind if a girl would go out with you just to have an ego boost while finding yourself unattractive.
Why can’t you go on a practice date with a friend of yours? Ask them if they would be willing to help you, pretend it’s a real date and afterwards ask them for feedback on how you did.
Not only is this wrong, but it wouldn’t help you either. Going out with someone you don’t like has nothing to do with going out with someone you really like. In the first case, you have nothing to lose and you will act totally different than when the chance to go out with someone you like comes. That’s when you will really get nervous regardless of how many girls you didn’t like you “practiced” with. My advice is to try to overcome your fears by going out with people you actually like, instead of using other people for something that will anyways not help you at all.
Disregarding how incredibly mean it would be to go out on a date with a girl you that you would only consider practice material, do you really think it would even be remotely productive? If you aren’t attracted at all the pressure that a “real” date involves would disappear and make the whole thing meaningless. The whole concept is inherently flawed and in very mean spirit.
Do. not. do. this.
You are not the main character and she is not an NPC.
The only way this would be remotely acceptable is if you told her before the date that you aren’t attracted to her and it’s a practice date.
And don’t use ADHD as a shield for this. It’s not a get out of jail free card
“It is immoral to use another person merely as a means to an end and people must, under all circumstances, be treated as ends in themselves” – Immanuel Kant.
Put less kindly: don’t be an asshole.
Why can’t you ‘practice date’ with girls you are attracted to, and just see it as practice? If you make it you actually end up with someone you like, nobody is hurt and at worst you have to find another date.
Yeah not only ist it morally questionable but it will be different once you go on a proper date with someone you like. What you could do is trying to apptmroach girls out in the wild you are not really attracted to, to get better with talking to girls.
No way. That would be an asshole move.
Instead, try joining a co-ed club so you get the opportunity to talk to more women. Just focus on building friendships and communicating with members of the opposite sex. Try speed dating maybe. Do things that encourage you to talk to new people.
Wow then you wonder why you’re barely getting any matches. Leave her alone, you’ve been wasting her time and leading her on for 2 weeks now. Try to be friendlier to others, learn to not be so judgmental, and maybe look at yourself in the mirror and look at what you can improve on before you go to judge others.
you could you know… Practice with the girl you like?
No dude that’s awful. I feel bad for her. How would you feel if someone said to you “I’m not attracted to you, this is just practice for a real date”
People here are being ridiculous. I’m going to say yes. You need social skills and unless you’re specifically telling her you like her when you text neither of you should give an ounce of a shit about each other yet because you don’t actually know each other. People here are absolutely delusional about how dating apps work. You go meet the person and decide what you think about them. You go into the date interested in something and for a shit ton of guys it’s sex and for some girls it ends up being free food or drinks and for others just entertainment. You shouldn’t like the other person before meeting and you don’t even have to after one date.
You’re leading her on. You’re a sociopath.
Ok my friend I’ll give best advice I can.
I will say that it’s ok to go out with this person as long as you keep it friendly. As you go out don’t give hints of you liking her beyond being a friend since you’re not feeling her that way. You wouldn’t want to lead her on.
There’s nothing wrong with going out with someone even if you’re not attracted to them. As a matter of fact it might be nice for her to go out because maybe she hasn’t been out in awhile. In general it’s nice to go out. It’s always good to hang out and have fun and with all this you gain some experience/practice and so could she. Again just keep it friendly.
Also in terms of knowing skills to talk to women. Honestly my friend the best advice I’d give is to just be natural; just be you. Also keep positive affirmations; have a positive mindset. Don’t think of yourself as the guy with adhd who can’t pick up social cues because you’ll defeat yourself. Go into interactions with a mindset of knowing how awesome of a person you are to be with. Of course remain humble and treat the ladies with respect like a true man.
A little more advice too is to ditch tinder; like you can use it if you want but, it’s kind of a useless app imo and the best ways to meet people are in person. In person is a natural way to meet the right people in general. As a matter of fact people can come off dry over text yet be really awesome in person. So overall I hope this all helped!
You should, you’ll get deep insights
It might be worth going on the date anyway, you might come out surprised to find you have a connection
Stop saying courtship. Maybe get tested for autism