How do I relate to people without sounding like I’m trying to 1-up them?

17 comments

1. Holy shit I had to make sure I didn’t write this post somehow, sorry I couldn’t contribute but I’m also interested!

2. Im in the same boat as you 😭

3. I usually don’t actually bring up my own experiences unless asked. I say something like “man that sucks. I have had that too”. It’s fine to elaborate if asked or if there is some other reason to, but it’s too easy to sound like you are trying to one-up them. At least in my experience

4. “Me too, i also do that” or some shit and then if they ask more about what you do answer.

5. I’m not saying this works but I’m actually really self conscious of this myself… so here’s what I do

   I literally lay it out. “Listen, I’m not trying to make this about me but I experienced x which made me feel y so I feel like I can relate. In x situation I did x because it made sense for me. Do you think that’s something that may work for you?”

   This sounds weird without specifics but that’s the template anyways lol

6. Can anybody explain me what term “1-up” mean? I am sorry, English is not my 1st language.

7. Psyc student here: adding your story to show you understand doesn’t really have the effect you’re looking for. If you truly want to make someone feel better, validate their emotions, listen to them and tell them you hear them. Even though you’ve been through something similar, it doesn’t mean you understand them. Everyone experience and proccess emotions different.

8. Alright, so I definitely used to struggle with this but have since gained a lot of practice through my work with vulnerable groups of people. I’ll list a couple things below that work for me:

   * Always validate their feelings first!
   * Gauge what kind of conversation the other person is looking for. Do they just want to vent? If so, let them speak, validate their feelings, and let them know you’re there for them. Sharing your own experience or advice may not be what the person is ready to hear at that moment
   * Give them the space and time to share their feelings/thoughts. I think a true 1-up serves to silence the other person, which is obviously not what you intend. I’ve found that when people are allowed to share their thoughts and reach a natural conclusion, they’re more open to listening, which allows for an organic flow into sharing your own experiences
   * Check the timing. If the person just wants to vent then maybe sharing your own experiences can be better done at another time. Validate them in the moment and find opportunities later on to explicitly or indirectly let them know you’ve been through similar situations too
   * When first sharing, try to limit the focus on yourself. Again, the goal is to relate, not to shift the focus onto ourselves. I describe what I need to in a barebones way and then switch to more collective/inclusive language. For ex: “I’ve been through ____ before too, it was really stressful. Situations like that take a toll on **our** bodies” or “Wow, you struggle to come up with ideas for drawing too? I know that feeling. **We** artists are surrounded by too much inspiration!” Usually it’s then easy to tell if the other person wants to shift the focus back onto themselves, or is glad to know you can relate and wants to know more

   The most important part is listening and letting the other person feel heard. When they feel supported, they’re so much more open to hearing what you have to say and trust that you’ll share the conversation with them instead of take over it.

   I’m certainly still working on developing my strategies and my emotional awareness. So much of this is feeling the other person out and assessing where they are emotionally/mentally. The fact that you’re asking for tips shows that you’re open to learning and I think that is the most important part! When you’re open to learning, so many opportunities to practice these specific skills will pop up around you 🙂

9. “I understand completely. I know what you’re going through.” are the words I use.
   That says that I’ve gone through it, too, and they can relax. It helps them a lot.
   I just try to remember that it’s about me listening to them right now. I can share what happened to me and what I did and how I hope things have/will turn out later.

   Lots of times all we need is to hear ourselves out loud. Sometimes we just have to bitch or complain. Sometimes we have a “real” issue and as soon as we hear the problem out loud and see that someone understands us, the answer comes right to us.

   Just be a friend. Be supportive.

10. My strateg is to say:

    “That sucks. I bet that was really [emotion they seem to be feeling]. It makes sense that you felt [emotion from before]. After all [summary/recap of their situation] would be [emotion from before].”

    You might check out [non-violent communication](https://www.cnvc.org).

11. – Keep your anecdote short and double check for yourself whether it even adds value compared to only saying “Yeah, I can relate” (You’ll find that they end up asking you about your experience anyway)

    – “Yeah I know what you mean! Damn, that must have been XYZ!”
    – If you are already aware of possibly sounding like 1-upping people sometimes, then make sure that you absolutely abstain from any thinly veiled brags in your story whatsoever
    – If you don’t have any in there in the first place, you’ll be okay by just keeping your comment short (and possibly just ask them to go further into detail, depending on context)

12. IMO one-upping is only part of the reason why relating to yourself can make things awkward! The other reason is that often, what actually matters are *their* feelings rather than A) the experience itself, or B) the feelings themselves.

    For example, they might be going through a bad breakup and feeling bad. For them, the conversation is that THEY are feeling bad, not that they’re feeling BAD or that they broke up with someone. So talking about your own breakup, or the last time you were sad, feels like derailing. What they want to hear is:

    * Your condolences about their sadness
    * Your permission for them to elaborate on how they’re feeling
    * Some kind of assurance or promise that you’re there for them
    * Invite them to talk about it over coffee or a walk
    * Invite them to be distracted with a treat and hangout/movie/game/etc
    * In other words, pretend that you’re a doctor and they’re your patient. They don’t want to hear that you also got a heart problem, they want to hear what to do about *their* heart problem.

    Note: in my experience, neurodivergent people console each other by saying “you are not alone in having this feeling” because that assuages a common worry in our lives – the despair of being unnatural. But neurotypical people already know that they’re not alone, and an identical comment would instead be interpreted as “you are not special in having this feeling”.

13. Show active listening by restating the key points of what they’re saying.

14. My tactic is to just listen & repeat back kind of what they’re feeling & why. Also just ask them their thoughts.

    Example: my friend’s mom was giving her crap because she stayed out. I said “yeah that’s really unfair. She shouldn’t just assume those things of you.” “That’s understandable, I’d feel that way too.” “What are you going to do?” Etc.

15. It took me a long time to realize that trying to relate to someone is one of the worst ways to connect with them. Usually, when someone is telling you something about themselves, they want to be heard. For me, I use two super simple techniques to make someone feel heard and listened to:

    1. **Repeat the last thing they said:** This is a weird one that works like a charm, but if you ask someone what sports they like and they say “basketball” just say “basketball?” right back at them. Keep in mind though you have to sound genuinely interested, eye contact helps a lot too. This is an invitation to the person to keep talking. If you try and be like “Oh my god! I love basketball! The Lakers are my favorite!” they’ll shut up and likely try to find a way out of the conversation they don’t really feel like they’re participating in. Just sit back, and let them speak… you’ll be amazed at just how much information someone will divulge to someone they think is listening.
    2. **Use “it sounds like,” “it feels like,” statements:** This is both a great way to understand someone and make them feel heard. Let’s continue with the basketball example: “Basketball?” “Yea! I’m a big Celtics fan, I never miss a game!” “Wow! It sounds like the Celtics are pretty important to you.” Either 2 things will happen, they’ll most likely agree with you and likely talk about *why* the Celtics are so important to them, or they’ll laugh and brush it off with something like *nah, there’s just never anything else on.* Here’s the thing, **it doesn’t matter**. Either way, you’ve made someone feel heard and comfortable and you yourself now understand your (friend, colleague, date, business prospect) a little bit more.

    A few things to remember:

    1. **If it sounds weird and awkward at first, that’s good.** It means it’s a new skill that requires practice.
    2. **Practice in low-stakes situations** – friends you’re already close with and family members are ideal.
    3. **Curious people are always more interesting.** The thing about connecting with someone is you have to be genuinely curious about them. People can detect fakery pretty fast – that means face towards them, make eye contact, nod, and LISTEN to what they’re saying.

    Even someone who knows what you’re doing likely won’t be able to risk the dopamine hit of talking about themselves and what they like to a genuinely interested party. That’s the thing about conversations, rarely are other people interested in what you have to say – they’re mostly just waiting for their turn to speak. So flip the script and show genuine interest, coax information out of people with the 2 techniques and you’ll be legitimately amazed at the things people will tell you and the speed at which you’ll develop new relationships with people.

16. My mom does that. To me, it seems like “Let’s talk about ME instead”. If your experience taught you something useful, you can share it if you think it will help. But ask first, “Can I give you some advice?” and wait for them to say yes.

17. You don’t need to share your story to validate their experience. Say things like, I know how that feels, or I’ve been in your shoes so I understand. Don’t share your story unless they ask. I absolutely hate when I share something and then someone just talks about what happened with them. Makes me never want to open up to them