Hi,
We had broken up/take a break on Sunday (while I was sick), but we have still kept in touch with each other because we love each other and will always be there for each other and she will always remember what I had done for her in her toughest times, we had both built an unforgettable, emotional bond. I spoke to her about how I was struggling to process everything and this information has taken a toll on me mentally as it also brought back a bunch of other negative thoughts in my life.
I saw her yesterday as we are/were still friends. She said she still loves me and will always support me. I told her that I want her to see me grow, and we’d watch each other grow. Even tho, I had so much more growing to do I wanted her to be there with me as I grow.
The main reason she wanted to go separate ways was that I hadn’t lived life and I’m still a child. She’s 100% right on that. She was my first partner, and to be honest she was the one I saw a future with. We were both sitting on the bed holding each other’s hands, talking about what we saw with each other and it was nice. But my mind was still racing as I couldn’t fathom losing her, or even seeing anyone else with her. She was very kind and sweet and tried to calm me down but I didn’t know how to handle myself in that situation. I didn’t know how to remain calm. I was just talking so much, apologizing for all the facades I told her about myself when we met and I was continuously reiterating that every affection, love, care, joy and happiness I shared with her was all genuine and from the heart. The stories I had told her about my life and myself were a facade because I hadn’t lived the life people thought I had. Upon reflection, I’m not comfortable with who I am. She’s suggested therapy and I’m going to speak to my GP to get in touch with one.
I kept telling her that everything I felt with her was genuine and I did see myself having a future with her and spending my life with her. I want a relationship, but don’t think I’m ready. She said that I don’t have to be ready. She feels like my mindset is restricting me from living, and it’s true. Things were going so well with the both of us.
She wants to take a bit of time off to process everything about what I had told her about myself and she wants to think about my intentions behind everything. At first she consoled me because we were friends, she cared for me and my vulnerability to the point where she showed me her vulnerability. I feel so dirty now that my being vulnerable was just a facade for attention that I had never expected and I fell in love with that person. She tells me not to think about it, and please be at peace with myself.
She gave me a call in the morning before she went on a road trip. She was checking up on me to make sure I was alright and at peace. I told her I am at more peace because I had fully opened up to her about everything I was holding back from you (I never had the courage to tell her my stories were a facade), but me asking myself why I acted in such a crazy way was something I really want to work on with someone and I do still see a future with her. She said I was scaring her because I reminded her of her ex, because I was going crazy. I had so much nervous energy I was just jittering and couldn’t sit still. I thanked her for making me realise these things and I do want to get professional help on my mindset (probably anxiety) and not be living in the shell of my former self. I do want to work on myself because I am the most important in my life. I hope that she’ll see and appreciate me for who I will become.
I know couples going back together is a toxic thing and I feel like her being with me now is going to take her backwards, when she was first with me I was there to hold her hand through her journey in recovery and back into life. Even tho what I’m going through right now is 10% of what she’d gone through, I still hope that she’d hold my hand through this journey with me and find my inner peace. I believe we can do it together. I thought I’d just leave with this quote that perfectly sums up the situation to me. “When the happiness, security, and well-being of another person is as real or more real to you than your own, you love that person. In fact, to the extent that I fail to love myself, to the same extent I will be unable to love others.” – John Powell, S.J.
TLDR: Had a mental breakdown at my ex’s place after she told me she wanted to break the relationship we had earlier in the week. Spoke to each other on the phone to talk about random things and well-being and I wanted to see her. She wants me to grow up, live a bit for myself and sees me flourish and had a rush of suppressed emotions and thoughts hit me. I really want her to be a part of my life and journey, and I want to be a part of hers as well. Hopefully, we stick through it
1 comment
What your partner gave you was what we call the gentle let down and obviously if you had a mental breakdown in the process of breaking up you have a lot more growing to do as far as emotional maturity and how you can handle yourself in your situations and a lot of times with women you know they always say they want to sensitive artistic f****** fluffy doofly type but at the end of the day as a man you have to have a certain amount of composure and it’s like assuredness of Who You Are and you know if you if you’re some limited Cry Baby which I hate to use that example but I just don’t be offended please but if you’re one of those types do not exuding the Divine masculine energy that we all should have because if we want a woman who embodies the divine feminine energy or the divine feminine goddess Within is she going to want to be with somebody that can’t exude to Divine masculine energy as well it’s not an equal match for energy and it’s obviously she loves you enough to sit there and break up with you in a kind gentle way so I would take that as a compliment and move forward with your life and try to make yourself the best person you can be because you know modern society has these odd rolls for everybody but at the end of the day men or men and women or women and if you’re attracted to women and women are attracted to men we have to certain role that we need to play for them I’m not a role to play but you know some women like a masculine man and some like I’m not masculine man if you’re with a woman who wants an alpha male or you know something like that and you’re not the best thing you can do is recognize that and extract yourself from the situation so that you don’t have to hurt yourself in the process of trying to fit a piece from the puzzle that doesn’t fit into space it’s okay because everybody’s different not everybody’s the same you know I’m kind of a country hippie Cowboy guy and that’s okay I’m not everybody’s cup of tea but not everybody’s my shot of whiskey so you know just find your place and work with it you’ll be