My friend went off the radar for a while because it was around the time of year her brother passed away. I gave her lots of space but still messaged her a meme or funny video every now and then, just something to say I’m still around, not forgotten about you.
A few weeks pass and she tells me “not ignoring, just busy”. I said don’t worry about it, only sending this stuff to get you through the day, take your time.
That evening I saw that she had met up with another friend and travelled 5 hours on the train to hang out. I was really upset that all I had heard was that she’s just busy, and said to the friend she met that it made me feel a bit left out and like it had been kept secret. They said that he just offered her a ticket to a thing he was doing, and she took it as a day away from it all, that they had been chatting because they’ve had similar experiences; then told my friend to message me about it.
The next day she hadn’t said anything so I messaged her to say don’t worry about it, it was a mistake, that they’re my closest friend and I just missed her – I had felt a bit jealous and left out, but it was a misunderstanding.
A week later she responded saying I was being coercive as f***, that she can meet whoever she wants, without consulting anybody. She said I’m overthinking in the wrong direction (?) and that if it were 2 other people, would I have been so upset?
She then told me that her brother died from suicide, and responding to memes isn’t her priority.
I apologised, saying that I was only upset because all I had heard was that she’s busy, I saw that she had met up with another friend and thought it was just a bit weird I hadn’t been considered as someone who can help, as someone she’s spoken to everyday since meeting, I said I didn’t care that they had met up, I cared that I had only been told “just busy”. I can see how they might think it’s coercive, I wasn’t expecting minor details about everything, but I thought we might have been close enough to have heard she’s doing alright enough to meet friend. I was upset because I wanted to help and felt a bit worthless when I realised I wasn’t someone who could.
I said that if it HAD been 2 different people, I would NOT have cared as much, because they’re my best friend and I care about them a lot. I know memes don’t help, I just wanted her to know I’m there.
I said that I don’t expect her to respond but I hope we can still be friends after this, the way she had worded her message was very cold.
It’s been another week and I haven’t heard anything, I haven’t said anything more because I know it would just make things worse.
Does anyone here think this friendship is still salvageable? I really messed up by being selfish and irrational that I got upset, I know I shouldn’t have and I’ve been sincerely apologetic, but I’m really worried and afraid that my friend has cut me off completely.
Edit: Thought I might add that I never really felt like I had friends until I was 20, because they always seemed to suddenly meet someone new, someone better and forget about me, I’ve had 1 gf who cheated on me – I have trust issues when it comes to friends/relationships. I did tell her this.
2 comments
Well a few things.
Sometimes when a person is in a dark place they might only be able to handle the social energy of very specific people. It’s nothing personal about you, I have friends that I can’t handle if I’m under a lot of stress or depressed because their social style just doesn’t work with my energy level. Some friends might need me to be the “leader” in the friendship and that can be really hard it I’m not feeling good. It sounds like you struggle from some insecurities and that can come across in a friendship, if a person is feeling low and struggling with the death of a sibling they might not feel they can play the role they usually do in your friendship.
On the other hand, the way she responded to you is extremely rude and not acceptable in any situation. Adults don’t talk to other adults like that, no excuses. If she wants space from you, it’s her responsibility to communicate that clearly even if she’s feeling sad or angry. This person does not sound like a good friend, I’d be suspicious that she uses you as a friend when she’s feeling good and wants extra people in her world to talk to or do things with, but will ignore you any time she’s feeling low or something more interesting comes along.
Take time for yourself, build confidence and learn to enjoy your own company, try going out and doing things solo like going to the movies or coffee shop. There will be friends out there who value you and value respectful communication when times get tough.
You are not in the wrong.
No. She isn’t prioritizing your friendship and in fact, she isn’t interested in you either by her actions. Always remember people make time for whom they want to make time for. That’s not you in this situation. Stop chasing her and begging her. The more you continue to beg and chase, the more needy and desperate you will become to her. Also when you chase, she sees that you are attached to her and she deduces that you are lonely, obsessive of her, and possibly into her as more than a friend. In short, she is losing respect for you. People gravitate towards somebody who is self confident and doesn’t rely so much on other people for their time and attention. People are hardwired to be repulsed by neediness, clinginess, and desperation. Stop talking to her. Now is the time to be genuinely busy in your life focusing on goals and hobbies while interacting with other people on the side. You will build self confidence and self esteem. Chase excellence, not people.