I have been lucky enough to meet a brilliant girl, we both really hit it off and have been dating for about 3 months now. When we first tried to have sex, I struggled to maintain an erection and just generally wasn’t really in the right headspace; to cut a long story short, I have past mental health issues (unrelated to sex) that were reoccurring somewhat during that time as it coincided with the anniversary of the death of a close friend. We tried a few more times but it wasn’t really going anywhere.
She was incredibly supportive, but I honestly still found the whole situation very embarrassing and uncomfortable. We decided to wait till I was feeling a little better before trying again. Fast forward to now, we have been together around 3 months, and I feel much better with regards to my mental health. We are both desperate to have sex but, although I feel generally much better, whenever we are being intimate together and want to have sex, I start feeling anxious about not being able to perform again and then that is exactly what happens. No matter what I do, I keep on returning to these thoughts and it is completely ruining our sex life and driving us both crazy.
I should say I have never had issues like this before with any of my previous partners, even when I lost my virginity I didn’t feel as anxious as I find myself feeling currently. We have still had plenty of intimate time together and have satisfied one another in other ways but it’s far from what either of us want; I am able to maintain an erection during oral for example, but penetrative sex has been a struggle for me. My girlfriend has been nothing but supportive, patient and understanding but we both acknowledge that, in the long run, neither of us want to be in a relationship without sex. I find this girl incredibly attractive and everything else about our relationship so far has been amazing. I would be heartbroken for this to end over something so fucking ridiculous.
We both live in a country with very few people speak English, so it is difficult for me to find decent therapy in my own language, I am still looking into it but in desperation I have come to reddit for help. I’ve come here to ask for advice on how I can calm down, get out of my own head and get my confidence back. It feels as though the more time passes, the more pressure I feel and the worse it gets. If anyone has been in a similar situation and has any wisdom to give it would be massively appreciated.
TL;DR: I Failed to perform the first time my girlfriend and I tried to have sex and now I keep feeling heavy anxiety every time we try to have sex.
4 comments
You’re experiencing performance anxiety. It’s extremely common in people who have sex. Has she tried blowing you as foreplay and then sliding her coochie onto your cock? It’s normal for a penis to go from hard to soft to hard again. My boyfriend often goes soft if he pulls out so I can relube myself. He normally gets hard again when I lube him up and teasing him before penetration is fun. You may have low SIS like myself. SES stands for sexual excitement system and SIS stands for sexual inhibition system. If you stop feeling horny when she’s still horny you could move onto her. I’m assuming she loves giving and receiving pleasure. There are probably many kinks both of you are into like hair pulling and spanking. There is a term for when your mind wants sex but your genitals aren’t cooperating with your mind: arousal non-concordance. Sometimes this is caused by medical problems. Sometimes it’s caused by performance anxiety (a mental problem). My advice is to talk about sex problems outside of the bedroom. Only trying to address problems during sexy time can worsen performance anxiety. Erections are caused by your pubic muscles relaxing. People tend to get erections when they’re asleep because they’re relaxed. Nervous bombers are a silly phenomenon. My boyfriend gets these and he’s in his thirties. Sometimes I purposefully get him flustered because it turns him on. You don’t need to go the “obvious” route to achieve an erection. Perhaps the next time you have foreplay your partner gives you a body massage…and then a prostate massage if you’re comfortable with that 😉
A comment I made a while back on another post might be helpful. [Here is a link](https://www.reddit.com/r/sex/comments/o83qw9/comment/h340gw0/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3).
Its a good thing she’s supportive. When that happens to me its usually a head space thing and she would get mad at me but she’s gotten better and I always remind her I have golden fingers and toung lol
try oral and handjobs first. Make sure make you feel good. Then sex is a little easier.