Had to resubmit sorry for thoes who commented already.
TLDR: Wife who feels like she’s doing everything even when asking for help and at wits end. We’ve been together for 17 years last week 10/9, our 13 year wedding anniversary is Halloween.
August 29th when I made this post to a awesome mom group who’s very understanding and most said I should leave my husband or get marriage counseling.
“I’m at the end of my rope right now. I don’t know what to do, I’m normally very calm and collective and don’t have outbursts. Here I am sitting in my room crying after scream/yelling/crying at my husband. For MONTHS I’ve been trying to “help” him get a new job and by help I mean I made his resume, I filled out the long ass application online, I told him when to go in to interviews. All he had to do was look nice and show up! For getting this new job he was going to gift himself with his first paycheck a pay of headphones. Well he got the headphones because they were on sale ($350 is not a sale to me) and nothing ever came from either of the 2 jobs I had lined up for him. We had a argument Thursday where I was crying at work about this. Today it picked right back up, according to him he never filled out an application to this place, yes he did because after that walk in interview I put the laptop in front of his ass and MADE him do it. He denies any recollection of this and shuts up. I loose my shit, I have gone ABOVE AND BEYOND for him. I do everything, this house would crumble if it wasn’t for me. Finally I confessed that I’m so overwhelmed that I’ve almost driven myself to the hospital to admit myself because I can’t take this anymore. And I can’t do that because what the fuck would I come home to? He can’t shop for food without buying shit we don’t need, he doesn’t know when to pick up and drop off our daughter at school. If our dog needs anything he doesn’t even know how old he is. He can’t even keep up with his own doctor appointments for meds that he needs, one single fucking pill, he can’t remember to call his primary to do that. While I handle the kids, myself, my dog,and my foster animals. Yes I suck at the dishes and laundry but I have a shit back but I also make dinner every night basically 2 meals 1 for kids 1 for adults. Make his work lunches and mine, bathe the kids, take care of the foster kittens pen, food, litter, picking up supplies, and any vetting. I’m so overwhelmed, I cannot take it any more. I’m going to snap, but I can’t. I’m not allowed to. Is it sad I’m even upset I asked my mom for help with laundry since he rather sit and watch YouTube videos all day then try and do something and she said no to helping. He legit asked me to call off work to help put away laundry. We don’t have that luxury to do that and honestly I want to get the hell away from him. đ I want to run away but that will solve nothing.”
We talked things are getting somewhat better, I know Rome wasn’t built in a day. I know I have issues as well which were brought up to me by my BFF which I 100% agree I do. He took the job I wanted him to and is starting orientation tomorrow morning, I’m very happy with this because he will be working 10 minutes away, making $23 not $17( doesn’t include shift differential), get a 3k bonus after 6 months and insurance from day 1. Unfortunately everything else is still pretty shitty, he had to get a physical for the new job and his BP was SUPER high. Which we know and he’s supposed to be on meds for but doesn’t ever follow up on. So while I was at MY appointment I made his for him, but told him I am not his mother and I will not be doing this again for him and he needs to get his shit together. Two weekends ago on the outside everything was great, but not for me, for me it was a shit show. And it shows how we aren’t really moving forward at all or I’m not giving it enough time. I’ll try and make it easy and short.
Family was coming in from out of state Friday night to Sunday to celebrate older niece and nephew birthday. I work overnights Thursday to Friday am off Friday day then Saturday, Sunday, Monday night. (Shift is 11p-7:30a).
Thursday night I work, go to the store on my way home for cookies and things we might need at home. Take daughter to school, then come home and clean the 4 foster kittens pens, feed, and liter boxs. My husband deals with our 2 year old during all of this but he gets up later. Since it’s my day off I maybe nap I don’t remember, if I did it was with my son on the couch. So Friday is our normal day nothing wrong, but we have to get up and go to my parents house around 12 ish. Turns out I get everyone ready before he’s ready, which happens a lot. Let me also preface by saying I’m on diet meds so my meals are also important and I’m not always hungry and I don’t eat like everyone else since I work overnights. So we had a family lunch for the twins and we stayed till 6 ish and drove home, I made dinner there so I wouldn’t have to worry about it when I got home. I get home and go try and nap, which it’s also around the kids bedtime as well. I wasn’t hungry at all and took my dinner meds and went to bed and planned to eat at work like I always do. So I’m laying in bed and it’s loud AF, we also have this rule with our 5 year old if I say she can lay with me she can. But if I say no then no she can’t, because some times she gets lonely or scared when we are putting her 2 year old brother to bed. But I knew tonight was not a good night for it, she followed him in when he went to the bathroom and popped in bed with me. The ENTIRE time he was walking in the room, in the bathroom and out of the room, I was telling our daughter out, over and over. So I got shit sleep, in that time between that day and the day before I got maybe 4 hours of sleep tops. Then Sunday breakfast at my parents house! At 9 we are to be there, I get out at 7:30 ish but I rush out sooner. I asked my husband to please do the kittens and kids as much as he can before I get home. Part of our “working on us” is me asking for help which is very hard for me to do, even more so letting someone do it. He texted me he’s to tired to get up and he hasn’t slept. My jaw about dropped, is he seriously fucking telling me this? Alright so now I’m already in a funk, great, this is when I rage do everything myself. We get there close to 11 since I’m doing everything alone and he’s watching YouTube videos “entertaining” the kids. We had a great time again with family but have to leave at a normal time like 3 ish. I don’t normally drink coffee but I made myself my very bad but delicious coffee when I was there and then one for work later because I knew I was going to need it. Prior to going to my parents house in the text I sent asking for help I also told him that I don’t care what’s for dinner just make whatever and wake me up, I’ll eat fast, hang with them for a little and then go back to napping. It is 100% all in text and I also repeated it to him at some point that day. So I napped and woke up at 8pm confused as shit, I texted him asking what happened to waking me up for dinner. He said he thought I wanted to sleep, I told him yes but I also wanted to be woken up for dinner, and mentioned the text. So I was pissed and went back to napping because what else was I going to do. I go to work and wasn’t hungry again because my meals are all fucked up again but at least I’m drinking all my water I need to. Monday comes, yet again I work that night. Monday is a holiday and my daughter has off of school and we have a foster kitten who’s pregnant and need to be seen asap. They open bright and early and only do walk ins, so I drag my daughter with me after I get out of work, and go to this vets office. We are there till 1 pm, turns out our pregnant foster kitten isn’t pregnant she’s full of shit! OK now time to go home and nap and all that. Something happened where again I didn’t eat dinner it’s been a week and we had another family weekend and I’m trying not to get them confused. Either way from Sunday morning to Tuesday night I didn’t eat anything because of my husband not waking me up when he should have and was asked to.
How do you allow your spouse to not eat for days? He could have woken me up to double check any of thoes times and asked if I was sure. I would never let him not eat for days, even if I’m pissed at him I’d still make him food.
I apologize this was so long this is a lot to take in, this has really just hit the fan in the last 6 months or so.
So what made me post this is this… I was running around and turns out we needed milk but I refused to drive super far out of the way to Walmart since I’ve been busy. So I went closest to Walgreens and unfortunately paid almost $6 for a gallon of milk for our sons bottles. So today while he was picking up our daughter from school he was going to go to Walmart and the bank and then home. I assumed he was going to pick up more milk because we will need it and one less trip…. he bought junk at Walmart, and blamed my daughter. She didn’t need a squish toy, a $5 mini Elsa, and a book while he got special pens. I asked if he got milk, no didn’t even think of it, HE ONLY THOUGHT OF HIMSELF!! I don’t want to leave but I don’t know how to make this better, I know it can’t all be on me but his answer to everything is “tell me what to do and I’ll do it.”
21 comments
Maybe trial separation with counseling sessions? He needs to see that he’s being a selfish, irresponsible ass you can’t tolerate.
I have no idea why you would stay with this man.
Sounds like executive functioning is something he struggles with. Has he been evaluated for adhd or add?
Has he been evaluated for ADHD? As someone who has ADHD,and is married to someone with it, this would be the absolute worst case..If not, he is just a giant narcissistic baby..
Was he always like this? If so, why would you think to continue the relationship?
Side note: What diet pills are you on? Is it phentermine? That will only make things worse for your sleep, I should know.
I’m going to be real:
At the end of the day, if he cared, he would have done something about it.
That’s the long and short of it.
His leisure is more important to him than your health or sanity.
You can’t fix that, you can’t therapize it away, it’s a basic, fundamental selfishness that says on a core level, it is OK to exploit someone if I can gain from it even if it hurts them.
If he was a partner, instead of another dependent, he would step up and do the things that need to be done. No one needs to be told “make an appointment at the doctors” because the *doctor already said that.* You **know** he’s lying about “tell me what to do and I’ll do it” because in your post you already proved it wasn’t true.
There’s nothing you can do to make him care. To make him *want* to take things off your plate just so you can relax. To make him *want* to do more for less reward. And until he does *want* that intrinsically, organically, *nothing* you do or say can make him understand what needs doing, *because not doing it and not caring about it works out better for him.*
Do with that information what you will.
It sounds like a lot of this is weaponized incompetence. A 35 year old man can grocery shop and do household chores, and FFS apply for jobs. He just doesn’t want to, so he does a super crappy job so that you’ll end up doing everything.
Your husband is incredibly selfish and callous. Only you can figure out how to ultimately handle this, OP, but this is who he is. This sounds like it’s way beyond what counseling could approach. He won’t change who he fundamentally is. There will be no “wake up” moment – or at least it doesn’t sound like it.
Do what’s best for you and your kids. He has demonstrated that he doesn’t care about anyone but himself.
God damn this was exhausting to read. I have no advice other than if he wanted to, he would. And he does not. Itâs genuinely not that difficult to be a well functioning adult and take care of your family. Sorry op.
>August 29th when I made this post to a awesome mom group who’s very understanding and most said I should leave my husband or get marriage counseling.
>
I got to the part where you were filling out job applications for him and just agreed with the mom group.
If he wants to live like a child, that doesn’t mean you have to be his new mom. Kick his lazy ass out in the street, or move out. There’s simply no excuse for that.
In no particular order:
Counseling or trial separation. Let your counsellor help you with a script for what to tell your kids. You may think you can’t afford these but you can’t afford NOT to have them.
Drop your unnecessarily responsibilities. Stop fostering animals. Maybe claw back some time by buying instant dinners for the family or Mcdonalds a couple of times a week. This is advice for the short term and is not healthy medium or long term.
Take responsibility for your own food and sleep. Is he in the wrong? Yes. But ultimately its your responsibility to make sure you eat. Lack of food and low blood sugar is probably like 40% of the reason you feel so overwhelmed. Buy some bananas and granola bars to eat on the go, make smoothies and fridge them, or again, grab Mcdonalds. Your ability to not collapse is much more important than your diet. Its absolutely irresponsible to not eat for two days.
You say you have not asked for help in the past or have not let him help you. Even though your husband sucks, it sounds like this situation is something you’ve caused 50% of by doing this. It will take time (like, weeks to months) for him to break this old habit (and you need to break yours first).
Forgot to add re taking responsibility for your sleep: good earplugs and an eyemask. Both are like $5-10 each. These are necessary for basically everyone who works nights or sleeps at unusual hours.
1. Stop fostering kittens when you are struggling. I get that you want to help, but you are not able to. Once these kittens are adopted, do not take in any more. Block whoever contacts you about fostering so that you don’t guilt yourself into doing it. Stop trying to be a superhero who does it all.
2. You are essentially a single parent. Do not do anything for your spouse. Nothing you do will convince him to help you. Nothing. It is not your responsibility to take care of another full grown, able bodied adult. If he doesn’t make lunch for himself, he’ll go hungry until he he makes it. If he doesn’t wash his clothes, guess he’ll have to wear dirty ones until he washes them. If he doesn’t make a doctors appointment, guess he doesn’t care about his health, so it’s not your job to. Just take care of yourself and the kids.
JFC Your life would be so less complicated if you were a single mom.
It was easier for me to be a single mom with 3 kids full time, than it was to have a “partner” like this. He could not be counted on, and he would not “help”.
Doing it all myself was far easier than trying to drag this man along for the ride, hoping and expecting that one day, he’ll be useful.
You’ll be dealing with this until you stop putting up with it.
I didn’t even need to read all of that. I got to:
> I want to run away but that will solve nothing
and gave up because this is literally the only solution.
This is a very long post. And I get why youâre frustrated, but youâre making a lot of assumptions on âhe should think exactly the way I doâ.
If he didnât know/ he forgot the milk needed to be replaced, I donât think that indicates he only thinks of himself.
If he saw you sleeping, he may have thought you needed rest versus intuiting you hadnât eaten and needs to remind you to eat sometimes.
It also sounds like youâre volunteering yourself to do a lot of tasks he maybe doesnât need your help with (such as writing his resume, scheduling his interviews, etc) and then resenting him for it.
Maybe you could discuss changing your roles? Would you feel better about becoming the breadwinner and him becoming the stay at home dad? Even if itâs just temporary?
What definitely needs to happen is an open, ongoing plan on how you spent/manage your money. You clearly have to it own ideas of how the money should be spent, and he seems to be a lot more relaxed about what you can afford. Make decisions together about how much you can afford for âspur of the moment impulsesâ, âif itâs over $x amount and itâs outside of our regular budgeted items, you need to call me so we can discussâ, etc.
It reads like thereâs just a lot of assumptions happening that heâs selfish for not doing exactly what you would do in that situation and automatically knowing what you need.
Im sorry youâre feeling overwhelmed. I get that being patient can be so much more difficult when youâre a parent and having financial issues though, but youâve been together a long time and I doubt if you thought he really was this selfish, youâd have missed it for that long. I think you owe it to yourself to try changing how you manage your finances as a couple and putting boundaries around what youâre willing to do for him unprompted if itâs causing you to resent him. It would be really heartbreaking to leave a marriage if it was just a matter of being more transparent/getting on the same page about what each other needs to feel happy/financially secure/supported.
Before you listen to all of the stuff about âdivorce him, heâll never changeâ as a guy I was in the same situation as him, and I know how shitty he feels rn, something happened either within him or the two of you and heâs got something mentally happening thatâs sucking the motivation out of him, depressed men are lazy, unmotivated and want to curl up and die. I know because I was that guy like I said. If you want him to become better you need to see that a normal masculine man will have the motivation to do a lot of things to better his life and take care of you.
Try this, and I know youâre not gonna want to hear it. Stop nagging and become his cheerleader. Even tho you did the application and everything, celebrating the fact that he got the job because he got through the interview will be a big deal to him. Start appreciating even the little things he does. It will bring his happiness back up, like the saying âhappy wife happy lifeâ the same saying applies to men. If he feels like heâs enough for you, that you appreciate him, that you need him (not to help because that makes us feel nagged at) but because he is an important part of your lives, he will regain his confidence not immediately but it will build. When he does something, say thank you in the sweetest way possible, and reward it. Whether itâs sex, gifts, whatever his love language entails.
If you want to stay with him and to make this work you need to make him feel like a strong, dependable, appreciated, masculine man and even if heâs not at the moment he will begin to make the necessary changes to become better.
You wrote your whole life up there it seems. It’s clear how you feel and ultimately it’s clear who he is or has become. I think you already know that you want out of this oppressive relationship and you’ve already tried to help your husband better himself. That’s all you can ask for from a wife, to hold you down and help lift you up. But what do you do when the other person doesn’t want to be lifted up or doesn’t care about you?
I’d be out the door and at the lawyers office.
It is time to kick him out. You don’t have a partner. You have a burden. Don’t let your daughter grow up thinking this is how relationships are.
Leave. You will be so much happier. Living with this man sounds like a nightmare. Youâd have less on your plate alone even with a kid and foster pets to take care of. He is just a drain!