Every time I try to communicate this issue I get accused of being wrong.

I’ve been dating my boyfriend for almost a year. When we moved in together we agreed that I cook and do the laundry and he washes the dishes and throws out the trash. I remember him throwing out the trash or doing the dishes without me asking/reminding him approximately 5 times during the past year. And when I did ask/remind most of the time he’d tell me he’s busy and he’ll do it after he’s done with X. When he’s done with X most of the time I have to remind him again and then he’d either do it or postpone it until tomorrow cause apparently he’s not required to do it when I ask him to, he can do it in his own time. Of course sometimes he’d actually be busy with work but sometimes he’d just be playing a video game.

At some point I started to sound annoyed when asking him to do stuff to which he started accusing me of nagging like I’m his mom. I stopped doing it.

I have ADHD so it’s hard for me to manage myself and also ask someone else to do stuff all the time. I don’t remember an instance of him offering to clean the apartment together, it’s always me who asks him to do it together and I have to ask for it for days. He can live with literal trash everywhere if I don’t interfere.

I feel like I’m the only adult in this relationship. I manage all the issues with our landlord, make sure the bills get payed, make sure the plumber fixes stuff, make sure we leave our old apartment in normal condition. I even book his doctor’s appointments and order meds for him. I buy all the cleaning supplies, all the necessities in our house.

I’m so tired. Today I asked him to check the time for our flights to a different city for a doctors appointment. He just had to pick one of 3 options. He said he doesn’t want to do it rn, let’s do it tomorrow. I said I might forget, he told me to set a reminder. I asked him to do it himself. He got annoyed and said he won’t do it. I was like wtf why can’t u set an alarm for once u don’t even help with stuff. He was like well I do the dishes and I helped you with your homework yesterday. It was a half an hour homework. He also told me he helped me with my Python classes which was half a year ago and like 3 times for not a long time. I tried explaining the concept of mental load but was met with silent treatment. I asked him to go home several times and he just ignored me so I went home on my own.

How do I explain him that he needs to start being an adult and I’m tired of being his manager?

tldr: bf refuses to acknowledge not putting in effort

31 comments

  2. He doesn’t want to do it your way. Stop being his manager and stop trying to get him to change. He doesn’t care.

    So, now what?

  3. Stop doing all these things for him. Obviously you can’t just not pay the rent or whatever, but stop cooking him meals, stop booking his appointments, stop shopping for him. Don’t get emotional about it, just say “well we agreed that we’d divide duties, but you don’t seem to be interested in making good on that agreement so I don’t see why I should either.”

    You’ll either see a change or you won’t. If you don’t, well what you do next is up to you.

  4. Step 1: Tell him that you are not his mother and he is a grown adult now and managing a household is a JOINT effort.

    Step 2 (this is the hard one): STOP doing things for him. And I don’t mean stop going on dates or things that are good for your relationship, but I mean stop cleaning up after him, managing his appointments, tasks, etc. Take care of you and only you and let him know that you’re taking a step back in duties because it’s become too much for you. If he wants a different agreement, then he needs to step up.

    I was with my ex from age 19-28 and lived with him most of that time and struggled with all of the things you are and honestly, it didn’t get better until I had an actual breakdown and by that point our relationship was too far out of whack to salvage and I left. He barely lived on his own after moving out of his parents’ house and then I immediately started taking care of him and unfortunately that only enabled him to never learn real life skills and it wasn’t until he lost me that he turned his shit around. I made the mistake of being a “wife” WAY too early and he took it for granted but thankfully are only 1 year in and you have time to fix it.

  6. I suspect that your BF may come from a privileged upbringing, he likely had many responsibilities handled for him and has little concept of active responsibility or mindfulness. Unfortunately, your role in this relationship is to work with your partner, not take care of said partner. This isn’t something you can fix if he cannot recognize these issues. You could try things like a task list, or visual board where his responsibilities are scheduled and displayed in a spot he frequently spends time at. He may see it as demeaning, but communicate just how dire this issue has become. If he isn’t willing to take your concerns seriously, you’ll need to seriously consider the future of this relationship.

  7. Chores should have deadlines. Each deadline missed, results in a penalty ($10?).

    Else, all he suffers is knowing you’re annoyed/upset, which he seems to be ok with.

  8. It sounds like you adopted a 21 year old child. Just don’t do it, dont schedule his appointments, let him pay his own bills, get his own meds. As far as the household duties, you have to be firm, even aggressive, and I know you shouldn’t have to, but he’s clearly lazy af. I know you just moved in together but I’d threaten to move back out, who would want to live like this.?

  9. Your boyfriend might’ve been great in the stages of the relationship prior to moving in, where you were just enjoying each other’s company and seemed on the same page about the big stuff that would happen someday, but as an actual domestic partner? He sucks, and it sounds like he’s not even remotely interested in becoming a better partner to you.

    My read on this situation? I’ve seen it time and time again. He’s enjoying the freedom from living under his mom and/or dad or guardian or whoever, where housework was delegated to him and there were consequences if he didn’t do it – now, the consequences are gone, but it looks like he hasn’t developed a genuine sense of responsibility to his home, he still thinks of care tasks as someone else’s responsibility that he just “helps out” with sometimes.

    Now, a lot of people in their late teens and early 20’s, especially neurodivergent folks, who struggle to become functional, responsible adults, housemates, and partners absent the structure that was present in their adolescence. There are also people who have a complicated relationship with housework because they associate with feelings of guilt, stress, frustration, anger, maybe even trauma, and that causes them to either avoid housework or overdo it. But there are those who rise to the challenge of figuring out how to keep their homes functional in a way that works for them (i.e. you, OP) and there are those who decide nah, they’re not gonna be housework people, they’ll let someone else take care of them (i.e. your boyfriend, it seems).

    You’ve tried talking about it and it hasn’t changed. I don’t think anything will change if you stay with him. Set out on your own, leave this guy to sink or swim (or find some other unsuspecting woman to do his care tasks), and find a guy who’s willing to be a real *partner* to you.

  13. these are life skills he needs to learn and he won’t if you’re always doing them. you aren’t his mother. you aren’t his mother. *you aren’t his mother.*

    I agree with the others that combining finances after so short a time is insane. but honestly if you’re not prepared to live in a pigsty while he learns that you’re not his bang maid then I encourage you to walk and start over with a guy who isn’t demanding so much emotional labour from you (audibly or not he is demanding it)

  16. To me, these posts sound like kids trying to duck chilhood chores. Adults do chores because they need doing – the end

    Prioritizing what you prefer to do at any given moment ends at about age 5.

    The questions are: “why do you, a grown man, need to be reminded to be an adult?” And, “why are you not embarrassed by your childish behavior – do I look like your mommy?

  17. Hey, I haven’t read all the comments, but honey, you are a fuck maid. You aren’t a significant other. You are taking care of a grown man like he’s your damn kid. Doesn’t sound like he wants to change, he feels he is entitled to have this treatment. His mommy treated him like this, and she taught him that his future woman would want to baby him too. I mean, does he even wash his ass? He doesn’t want change in the relationship dynamic, only you do. Take the hint. Take the clues. Piece it all together. Either he is willing to change by agreeing to counseling, or you need to remove yourself. Just this week a woman was posting about watching older women having to handle their old toddler husbands’ bank accounts, Their medical appts, basic self care needs… if that’s the road you want to go down, ok. Once, After I had broken up w a terrible man, my mom asked me: “was the dick that good?” My mother had never spoken to me so frankly. It was good enough to get me, but it was not good enough to keep me. So I ask you: is the dick THAT good that you will sacrifice the rest of your sanity? Good luck.

  18. Break up and move on. You’ve tried explaining it to him, he doesn’t listen. It’s not a salvageable situation. You’re dating a child.

  19. uhm, hello? lmfao, he isn’t going to change. put up with it bc this is how he is and stop complaining or leave. it’s pretty simple that he doesn’t care and won’t change his efforts. hope you make the right decision.

    reading stuff like this on r/relationships is funny but sad at the same time

  20. How does he typically respond when you ask him to do something when he’s not already involved in something?

  21. Helping you with classes is just a partnership thing to do

    It doesn’t absolve him of his share of the household labor.

    He gets it. He doesn’t care. He has “she’ll do it” written all over him.

    This is a major mark of disrespect OP.

  22. Literally moving out of my place with my bf rn because he is the same way. It’s not the only issue but I’m sick of it and he, along with the other roommates, would rather live like slobs. Your home should be a place of comfort not stress. You can’t change him, you can only control your own actions. Either accept it or make moves to separate your living spaces. I think those are your only options.

  24. See, I’m trapped in a housemate/landlord situation exactly like this which has destroyed my patience and played havoc with my depression for the past four years. You’re in a far simpler situation: he changes _now_ or you leave. Do not suffer for four years like I have, it won’t end well and you’ll have wasted all that time.

  25. Why are you living with him at 21? You should be working and studying and traveling and just enjoying your young life, not mothering a bf who didn’t want to pull his weight around the house.

  26. This guy treats you like his mum and is clearly not responsible enough to be in a living situation with a partner, especially shared accounts. How many years do you want to waste before you’ve had enough? Either move out and live separately while you date until he grows up or break up and find someone who respects your time and effort equally

  27. Women.

    Stop being mom’s to your significant others.

    Stop doing his laundry. I’d never do my husband’s laundry unless I wanted to be nice one day. Fuck that shit. Stop being his maid

  28. Stop?

    What happens if you just stop. It’s not your problem. Let’s assume you clearly agreed a split and take you at face value.

    Let the dishes and the trash pile up. What happens then? Be petty if you have to and keep a plate hidden for yourself.

    There are non time specific tasks like dishes that you can do any time but it sounds like the time is never? If there are no clean dishes then he doesn’t eat or get a cup of coffee made. You can’t, there are no clean dishes.

    See what his mess tolerance is like. If you can’t stand it then you may need to leave. Different people behave in different ways but I also know some truly dirty people like my brother. You might not manage but why stress out about it.

    Let him see the outcome of his lack of attention.

    Don’t nag though. It never works for both parties

  29. My mom always told me to picture being with the same person, exactly as they are, five years from now. Is that a future you’re happy with? If not, leave, because people don’t change unless they want to. And I don’t think this guy wants to. You are young! Go enjoy being single for a while! Your future self will thank you!

  30. “In case I haven’t been clear enough: there needs to be a major change in how you’re acting, or else we are going to break up and you are going to move out.

    Before you tell me I’m nagging you, just remember that nothing would be said if you’d actually pull your weight.

    You need to do your share, that which you’ve SAID you would do. You need to do it daily. You need to do it without me having to ask you.

    If this doesn’t RADICALLY improve in the next month, we are over. I’m looking for a partner and a lover, not a lazy man who wants a free maid.”

  31. Women are programmed to not want to fuck humans that they mother. He is digging a grave for your desire for him. eventually, and certainly.

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