So I’m going to start dating again after a long time spent working on myself. I have some experience, but it’s been a while and I’m trying to figure out the best way to achieve my goal. I’m 30 now and, just like the stereotype, all of my friends are married couples or in LTRs. I’m looking for something serious too, so I’m trying to figure out the best way to go about it.
Do you think it’s better to be open minded and date a whole bunch of people? To maybe go on a few dates and give things time to grow?
Or is it better to be discerning and date fewer people, only those who seem like really strong matches from the get-go?
I’m mainly planning on using apps and maybe speed dating events if I can find some nearby. Any advice appreciated.
7 comments
Be polite but discerning and decisive.
Ok it all depends on whether you’re getting dates with people who are interested in a relationship with you (not sex / casual / talking / fwb, but relationship).
If you are getting lots of dates and people are offering you relationships then you can increase the discernment.
If you are not getting many dates, or you’re getting dates that only want to keep it casual, then you need to increase the openness / widen the net.
At 30, you probably have a decent idea of what you’re looking for in a partner in terms of shared values, lifestyle and long term goals. Your initial conversations and meeting with someone is basically going to be focused on assessing your compatibility in regard to those factors as well as general chemistry and attraction. From there, you can make a decision about a second date.
In terms of how many people you should date at the same time, that’s entirely up to you. Some people feel overwhelmed by the prospect of dating multiple people at once, keeping conversations straight, juggling work/life obligations plus dating, etc. Other people can manage this pretty fluidly and prefer being able to screen potential matches more efficiently.
Even when I was dating casually, I could never date a bunch of people, because you simply won’t have enough time to invest in any of them, and you’ll end up having less interesting conversations and missing connection, as you’ll be spread too thin.
Only date a couple people, or even one at a time, but talk about serious questions early on. Something I can recommend is the game 36 questions to fall in love, they don’t actually make you fall in love but they’re a great way to get to know a stranger on both a fun level and a deeper level, get a sense of your compatibility on big things. My partner and I took our two first dates to answer these questions, and I feel like it really gave us a head start because we already knew so much about each other. There were no big surprise later on about kids, relationship to families, religion, etc
Honestly, I think a combination of the two. And it depends on the circumstances. With OLD, I’m pretty open minded with who I swipe on (I’ll swipe on pretty average looking guys if we seem to have things in common, for example), but then a little more discerning as we start chatting to filter out people who are obviously not a good match. But I thin casting a wide net is always a good idea.
Fewer but better choices is the win.
Rapid fire dating without specific standards and filters will leave you disappointed and burnt out quickly.
Depends on your dating time, energy, and money budget. Being open-minded will get you a better range of experiences and might lead to your changing preferences or developing friendships, but it will be kind of exhausting and expensive.