My \[29F\] husband \[31M\] have been dating for the last 1.5 years, married for 3 months. Ours was a short engagement as we both didn’t want to wait to get married and start a family. He and I both had serious relationships with other people a long time ago, and neither of them are in our lives anymore.
My husband is usually an introverted and shy person. He enjoys a few beers on the weekend, which gets him to open up and be more casual in his conversations. He never drinks enough to be “drunk”, but enough to get slightly tipsy and cheerful. I don’t drink, but I enjoy our conversations because he is more chatty, more open about his feelings about anything, and tells me stories from his part that he ordinarily wouldn’t talk about. Noting serious or alarming, just regular things.
Last weekend, after he was a bit tipsy, we were talking about love in general. I don’t know how we got there, but he casually mentioned that he thinks no one has ever loved him the way his ex gf loved him. That he knows that I love him a lot, but there was something about that “first love” feeling that she gave him that is irreplaceable. The way she looked at him, the love in her eyes, how she was there for him no matter what, how he could depend on her for anything, how they were just meant to be, etc. He then looked at me, and with all earnestness, said that he loves me and how happy he is.
He never said anything about his feelings for her, just about how she made him feel. They broke up when they were 24 when she moved away, it was an amicable breakup, and he hasn’t been in touch with her at all. Doesn’t even know where she is right now, and doesn’t use Facebook or Instagram.
I understand that the feeling of “first love” is something very special. But I feel very awkward, and slightly hurt, to hear him say such things about his ex. I didn’t see love in his eyes for her, but there was a lot of admiration for her character. A part of me just died I think when I heard him say that. I quickly excused myself to go to the bathroom to stop him from seeing how upset I was. He doesn’t have a clue how upset it made me.
To the folks of r/relationship_advice, is it common to have such feelings for your ex without it meaning anything? Is my being upset justified? I don’t think this is super serious, but I’m still upset and haven’t stopped thinking about it this whole week.
26 comments
I’d say tell him how it made you feel in a nonconfrontational way.
That statement was total disrespect for you and your marriage.
Sounds like his true colours are coming through.
Can you really stay with a guy that thinks your second place to a relationship that ended 7 years ago? He actually stole 1.5 years of your time if he was thinking this.
Your being upset is justified. Your husband is not only an introvert, but he is also clueless. First love is a big event in your life, but marriage is bigger. I would let him know that it upset you so he won’t say anything that stupid again.
A common problem with rushing relationships and marriage is lack of time getting to know people. Sure, there’s often more to discover along the way; sometimes knowing someone is the process of a lifetime. But you should have the broad strokes. You should have enough information to reliably judge whether you can/should be with someone or not. Haste to get moving on a family seems like it hasn’t entirely worked out here. You’re on the wrong side of the marriage ceremony to be learning some important points. Maybe it’s not huge, maybe it is, but now that it’s out there – ask the difficult questions. Rather than finding out more which is make/break later down the line, get it out there now.
Love is weird. The love he experienced with her doesn’t have to be compared with the love you two have. Love isn’t a finite thing. Also, he knows that you have had serious relationships too. As we get older, there’s more experiences in the mix. I’m guessing you have a first love experience yourself. Talk to him and let him know how you feel and try to move on together.
i wouldn’t stay in a marriage with someone who drunkenly confessed how him and his ex “were just meant to be.” that statement speaks volumes itself.
I think you are right, that he was clumsy in describing first idealized love… A guy like this is WAY better than one who has a string of bad stories and criticisms for every woman he was involved with. The meant to be remark is prob just a part of how he remembers being young and immature and swept up in it. After all, meant to be is magical thinking that is nothing like real enduring love that two people make the effort for every day because they cherish each other. I think you are good.
I relate to him a lot. I had a similar GF in highschool/early college where the feelings I had for her and what she made me feel are unlike anything I’ve ever felt in another relationship. What he said really resonates.
And I too haven’t been in touch with her in 10 years. No idea where she is or what her life is like.
Your husband’s problem isn’t that he has these feelings, it’s that he told you. That’s just such an oblivious thing to say to your newlywed wife. He doesn’t have feelings for her and doesn’t want to get back together with her, he just misses those feelings. But what he doesn’t realize is those feelings happened in a vacuum. They didn’t take the realities of the world into account because they were so young. They didn’t have to learn to live together, or manage money together, or resolve big conflicts. It’s basically puppy love at a point in time when life was easy.
You may want to tell him how upset this made you and that you don’t want to hear it again. He should definitely be able to realize this on his own, but it seems he doesn’t.
What a shitty thing for him to say to you, drunk or not. Now that will always stay in your head. Sounds like he has some rose tinted glasses on there…..if she really loved him like no one else before, why did she leave him? Wouldn’t she have moved heaven and earth to stay with him?
I get how you feel, I think his feelings are 100% normal, there’s something about first loves that will always stick with us. I think it was a mistake of him to tell you those feelings however, the important thing here is that regardless of all that he said he ended it by saying in your own words “he loves me and how happy he is”. In that moment it was simply him opening up as you said he does when drinks a little more, but it wasn’t a confession that he’s still in love or misses his ex-gf; at the end of the day, even with those thoughts and memories he is still choosing you.
I think you should talk to him about it, but don’t hold it against him, it is a pretty normal feeling and it doesn’t mean he doesn’t value you or believe what you have is any worse than what him and his ex had. All relationships are different so it’s difficult to compare them in that way, at the end of the day he has chosen you and actually felt comfortable enough to say this to you indicating that he does care for you a lot and trust you a lot.
First off, I want to validate the way you’re feeling.
It is a very awkward (and upsetting) position to be in. You were talking about love and he brought up how “no one will love him like his ex” and gushed about her (the way she looked at him, always being there for him, “meant to be”).
What I’m (personally) stuck on is the “meant to be”. Meant to be *what* dude? The answer? Exes. Meant to be exes. He is currently married to you, while it’s fine to *reflect* on past feelings for exes, it is hurtful to insist that his ex loves him better than you ever have or will. It is even one thing to say love is a different experience with every person you are in a relationship with, but to flat out say that no one will love him better than her? Brutal. It is a for sure way to make a spouse feel like a second choice (like if the ex were to make herself available again he would dump you for her).
If I were you, this would guarantee a talk when he’s sober. Nothing accusing, or harsh just a conversation about emotions and how this left you feeling. Your relationship is young in age (only 1.5 years) and while I admire your focus for what you both want, communication will make or break a relationship. Be careful while talking about this, you don’t want to shut him out of talking with you. Explain how it made you feel, and how you’re trying to cope with these emotions. Maybe sharing your feelings will prompt another conversation and his insight will clarify things for you.
You got married after a year n a half? That’s crazy
I don’t think I could ever personally come back from feeling like that much of a second place…
I have an ex who I was head over heels for. She was the first woman for whom I felt that strongly about, even though she wasn’t my first relationship.
I’ve been married for 27 years now and while I told my wife about that other girl while we were dating I never said anything remotely like what your husband told you.
I believe it was the alcohol that loosened him up and let him say those things. He basically said he wasn’t interested in being with her. He was just reminiscing about first love. It felt special because it was his first.
I don’t think you have anything to worry about regarding this ex of his, but I do think you should talk to him about how he made you feel. The 2 of you need to hash this out so you can get past it and get back to normal.
Remember, the solution to most marriage problems is communication.
His ex sounds like his mom not his gf.
You should ask him to explain himself. That “meant to be” comment is the problematic one imo. Tell him how much he hurt you and how his words made you feel like he settled for you when she moved away.
What he says next will tell you what to do.
i see both sides here 100000% !! i would understand how you would be upset about this, but man there is something about a first love that has a death grip on you. my first love was a guy i dated throughout college, and i totally thought he would be the one. unfortunately, his depression & mental health took a turn for the worse and i had to make the tough decision to walk away. it’s been nearly 4 years since we broke up, and i still miss him every day.
i started dating a new guy about a year and a half ago and i love him with alllllllll my heart… but i know what your husband is talking about. it can be very difficult to let go of that first love (and all the traumas) that come with it.
it’s taken time, but i’ve opened up to my current boyfriend about my first relationship. he’s taken time to understand it. we both try our best to go out of our way to make the other feel loved, even with all our past baggage.
communication is key. keep encouraging him to open up, understand why, and continue to improve your relationship!! you’ve only been together for a short period of time — 1.5 years is nothing in the scheme of your whole life. if he’s the one, then it will get better 🙂
You need to communicate to him exactly how it felt. I had as first love as well but that love was nothing compared to the person I ask to marry me! He is clueless and you need to have an honest talk about your feelings. Don’t keep it in it will fester then explode or deep, deep resentment will set in. TALK TO HIM!!!
This is such a weird thing to say. Idc if everyone here tries to justify it, it’s just not a nice thing to say especially since he is MARRIED to you. Idk.
I think it’s more about the feeling of first love than the actual person. A first love is the relationship before your heart and trust gets broken. Before you learn the hard life lesson to always hold a little bit back for self preservation. No one loves as free and hard than in a first love, because they don’t know any better. I think because his first love didn’t end badly he can look back on it fondly. Deep mature love is different. It is the love that gets you through the hard times and you build a life on. It’s the love that is valued more because it’s not as easily given and you have to work for it. Also, a lot of people miss the version of themselves when they were open and trusting during that 1st love time in their life. Your feelings are real and valid. I would talk to him otherwise this is going to always be in the back of your mind.
Hi. First love becomes an impossible yardstick for some people who measure all other relationships by it. It isn’t fair nor is it accurate. If his first love was everything he’s made it up to be in his mind, then why aren’t they together? Because in reality it wasn’t that great. He’s turned it into an unrealistic fantasy. And he’s being an ass about it. Let him know if she was so great and loved him sooo much he is more than welcome to go find her and try to relive what he thinks they had. Since he took it upon himself to devalue your feelings of love for him, maybe you should consider ending the marriage. After all, why be with someone whose love doesn’t measure up? That is basically what he told you. You need to tell him how much he hurt you by putting a higher value on his ex’s love over your love for him. The nerve of him! Then let him sleep on the sofa. For a looonng time.
Honestly, most of us don’t even remember who our first love was because that time is over. It’s in the past where it should stay. You can’t go back and recreate it and I can guarantee you it wasn’t as wonderful as most people remember it to be. We tend to leave out the bad parts and only remember the good parts when we think about a person from our past. That’s why fb has become such a marriage destroyer. It’s a fallacy.
You need to have a discussion with him and tell him how you feel. Seriously, if he thinks your love doesn’t measure up to hers (even though you are the one who married him) maybe you need to rethink your marriage. It’s hard competing with a love that’s put up on a pedestal and why the heck should you have to anyway.
Take some time to think about what you want to say to him.
I wish you well. Keep us updated.
He sounds emotionally immature.
Yes, you are valid in your feelings, 100%
You need to tell him that you are upset. Don’t hide your emotions. It’s ok to think about and tell him after you have thought about it.
I dunno. It would hurt me a lot too, but people tend to romanticize old relationships.
I think you should talk to your husband. Give him a chance to make it up to you- because he needs to, and you deserve it.
Short answer but it would’ve made me really upset. Maybe because I have emotional issues but I would’ve been really really sad because of the way he formed that. Talk to him about it sis cause you’re going to overthink and be miserable.
None of my ex’s compare to my current partner, the way I look at him and just admire him is unmatched. In my eyes my bf put the stars in the sky. If he ever said anything like that I would simply excuse myself from the relationship. Yeah your first love is your first love but in my opinion you’re young, and you eventually build up to true love when you find the right person. I’d be crushed to hear that, I can’t imagine how you feel. If it’s really eating at you, you need to talk to him in all honesty.
First: your feelings are valid.
Second: If he is that stuck on that relationship, he needs professional help.
Third: If he is a genuine introvert, talking to someone about this is going to be challenging.
Fourth: be prepared for this to end your relationship.
Fifth: you deserve better.
I feel it is an appropriate response to be hurt and upset. It is also very real for him to feel this way, especially about a first serious relationship. Realizing we aren’t the first one to experience something with a partner or maybe the best at performing a certain act with that partner is real. I struggled with this with my wife. What I end up realizing was that I wasn’t that other person, I was me. And she chose me for the rest of her life.