I am 29F dating a 45 years old man. We can communicate very well , we love each other . We both have careers and our own independent lives. I always thought that age gaps are not inherently wrong unless the younger party is a vulnerable young adult (under 24-25). However, I have seen hateful comments even when the younger party is pushing 30 and there’s no indication of toxic behavior đŹ. Are age gaps ever okay?
49 comments
I always go by the golden rule, half your age
Plus 7.
I’m okay with agegaps as long as the younger one is independant and doesn’t need to rely on the older party for anything.
Having to rely on them easily creates a bad power dynamic between the two.
Ages are just a numbers ⊠as long as both of you attract each other spiritually , physically thatâs all matter .
It’s a pretty big age gap, enough to raise eyebrows, but not enough to raise objection. You’re damn near 30 years old. It’s not like you’re a young impressionable ingenue
I (30F) was in an age gap relationship in my past (12 years older than me) and since being in one, I do find I now have some kind of discomfort with them and the guy I was with was a nice enough man.
The advice I give anyone entering one is to not judge their partner as though they are your age. For example, I was often impressed with my ex, their mature attitude, the things they had achieved but one day I realised that I was judging him as though he were 24-26 (the ages I was during) and not as though he were 36-38 (his ages during the relationship). Once I began to see him for the age he really was and could compare him to others I knew at that age or how *I* wanted to be at his age, then I realised he was immature for his age, he was lazy and uninspired for his age, he had no goals or ambitions and the things he had achieved were the bare minimum for anyone his age. I realised that the reason he was dating me, and had struggled to maintain long-term relationships prior, was because I imagine most women in their 30s would not have dated him for those aforementioned reasons, whereas, to someone my age at the time he looked impressive and interesting in comparison to men my age.
So, my advice is to judge him as a 45 year old woman would or where and who *you* want to be at 45. Are you dazzled by his maturity because he is mature for a 45 year old or because 29 year old men seem immature compared to him? Judge whether people his own age would actually date him or is he seeking out younger partners because either women his age would not find him appealing or because he likes young girls for an ego boost?
Also, consider what he is looking for over the next few years; I know the nail in the coffin with my ex and I was that he wanted marriage and kids within 2 years and I didn’t want that for at least 10 and now I’m older I realised I don’t want kids at all. It may be that your new partner wants a quiet life where you both retire somewhere in 5 years but you may be career driven or want to explore because he has had the chance to do that and you haven’t.
I think it’s an ok age gap on other people but I’m not comfortable dating someone that’s more than 10 yrs older.
Itâs unique to each person. I met my 45 year old husband at 25, we have been happily married d for 12 years with and 8 year old daughter and we run a business together. Who cares what comments people make if youâre happy?
Been there, done that. No big deal
Similar age gap here. Happily married for over 23 years. Together 5 years before that. Still love each other dearly.
If youâre both good with it, and youâre both legal adults, then thatâs all that matters. You might still get weird looks from people, but as long as youâre happy together, thatâs all that matters
r/relationship_advice is inherently biased against age gaps. Don’t expect any positive reinforcement here, even if you have a healthy and loving relationship.
I see two potential problems with age gap.
1. Different time of their lives. If one has been making money for a decade while the other doesnât, there could be an exertion of power. That doesnât seem to be the case here. However, if you want a long term relationship, would 50 yr old you be okay slowing down as much as a 65 yr old?
2. Children. If neither of you want kids, then this doesnât apply. But itâs harder for anyone, men and women, to have kids after a certain age. And it might be harder on the older partner to keep up chasing children around.
I think you need to do some vetting. Figure out if heâs specifically avoiding women his own age, ask him his thoughts on dating somebody sixteen years younger than him, things like this. Iâm a little younger than you and went on a date with a 40-year-old who said heâd never date a woman that age because â40 on a man is different than 40 on a woman.â Fucking gross, right?
You just have to be smart and not let the rose-colored glasses call the shots, modern dating is tough enough and large age gaps raise the difficulty level more often than lower it.
Do what makes you happy
People make too big a deal of age gaps. If you like each other and youâre attracted to each other and you enjoy spending time together, go for it.
Age gaps are okay if you’re okay with them.
I dated a man that was 17 years older than me once for a little bit. Looking back, I was miserable with my own life and wanted someone to kind of help me find my way and take control because I felt out of control. I quickly realized I didn’t want someone to decide my life for me. I also felt like I was the child or something and had less life experience than him in general, definitely not something you want to feel in a dating relationship. Not everyone feels that way but I would definitely look at why it appeals to you and make sure it’s pure intentions and not trying to fill some void.
If you feel confident and good about it then what anyone has to say about it doesn’t matter!
I’m never gonna judge when both parties are above 25, because at that point you’re both full grown adults. I don’t see anything morally wrong with it if it’s a consentual relationship.
You two have a 16 year age gap. That’s pretty big, TBH. It’s not a show-stopper, if you both respect each other, but the age difference will come up occasionally.
In 10 years, you’ll be 39 and he’ll be 55.
In my case, I’m 58, and I have a 38 yo step-daughter. I love her, but I couldn’t imagine trying to date her or someone in her age group. The differences are just too big – we grew up in different generations, with different music, different interests, etc. I grew up with The Beatles, while she grew up with the Backstreet Boys.
You may not believe it but my dream is to meet a man much older than me, because they have different thoughts and I’m attracted to those ( As long as it’s not the same age as my father lol ) so i think you will be fine. I wish you happiness
I mean I personally might date with such a gap for financial reasons and my love of cougars but I wouldnât be under the delusion that they actually loved me.
Would he date a 61 year old woman? Thatâs how old heâll be when youâre his age.
Youâre on reddit where half of these people consider themselves babies because theyâre in college and havenât lived yet.
In my area, men. Have wives and multiple kids at age 23 and some of them make good money. Family oriented upbringings around strong and family and goal oriented adults makes people grow up faster.
My family grew up country though.
The thing to look for is baggage. I would NEVER date someone younger and unencumbered if I had been married and divorced with a bunch of kids already. 2 people with the same amount of relationship experience and same goals, it can work.
Whatâs not okay is a young person wanting to do young people stuff and the older party manipulating the younger person to trust them.m and do otherwise because they âknow better.â
Iâm with someone younger because we both have no real relationship experience. I work a lot but thatâs about it. We want the same things and have no baggage. I let him lead and if he is unsure of something he defers to me. Iâve also tried to create space to see what he really wants. I donât want to manipulate or persuade him so I kept silent. Let him come for me. Iâm not going to say no.
He fought in an actual war and has done some other scary dangerous things in life. Being with me is not dangerous or scary or harmful so I roll my eyes when people comment on our age gap.
Youâre almost 30, itâs not like youâre fresh in your 20âs. Also, if youâre happy, who cares what anyone else says?
A silly but surprisingly effective internet rule: Don’t date anyone younger than half your age plus seven.
Y’all are riiiiiiiiiiiight at the cusp. So I’m not going to say that your age gap is automatically creepy, but a yellow flag for sure. Be on the lookout for warning signs, both for malicious intent on his part and just for simple incompatibility. Does he *always* date women that are significantly younger than him? Does he actually act like a 45-year-old, or is he immature? Is he controlling in any way? Are y’all at similar stages of your lives? Do you have similar goals, both long- and short-term? Is there someone whose judgement you trust that you can ask to keep an eye out for you?
I wouldnât date someone with that age gap, even though I donât think itâs predatory at your age. My worry would come later. Youâll probably be fine for the next 20-30 years or soâŠand then when youâre still active and wanting to retire, travel, and have fun – heâll be elderly and need you to be his caregiver. Of course that could happen in any relationship at any time, but with this age gap it would pretty much be inevitable. Id rather be with someone who is likely to go through lifeâs phases with me. From his side – when heâs ready for retirement etc, youâll probably still be working and wonât have the same freedom. If/when you want kids, heâs going to be an older dad and it will be exhausting. Itâs not insurmountable, but itâs harder than it has to be.
My wife is 18 years younger than me. We are together 16 years. I am 60 now. We are doing great and none of us gives a rats ass what other people think. The relationship wasn’t planned but we are happy it happened. It is all about how you both feel.
Youâre 29. Itâs fine. Age gaps are mostly problematic based on the younger partners age.
For me age is just that but itâs really important to be in similar life stages.
For example, as a 22yo I was in a completely different life stage than at 35yo. Now that Iâm older I can see in hindsight that I wouldnât date 22yo me for many reasons (no matter how awesome I was at 22đ lol).
Iâm closer to 45 than 29 and although I was pretty mature at 29 Iâve grown so much since then. So much so, that I think they are 2 different life stages for me.
Thatâs why I wouldnât find it abnormal for a 66yo to be dating a 79yo – similar enough life stages⊠but a 18yo dating 31yo seems odd.
Iâd ask you if heâs broken up with women in the past once they were 35+ or got grey hair, or started to wrinkle, or gain weight etc. Is he just shallow and likely to abandon you as well? You canât gauge this by what he says now or how he treats you now, you need historical details and facts.
Yes you’re absolutely fine. So long as everyone is an adult, and it’s a genuine, loving relationship where no one is trying to take advantage of anyone that’s all that matters.
All the Reddit drones that hate on age gaps are just idiots. Don’t worry about them…
I think starting a relationship with that age gap at 29 is perfectly fine. Youâre old enough to know the signs of being secluded or abused or taken advantage of. If you started the relationship earlier in your life, though, I would be worried you were manipulated early on to believe that what he did was normal.
I always work on the premise of half the age +7. The only thing I would say is whilst he’s an older man now, by the time rime you’re his age he’ll be an actual old man. But I don’t think there’s anything wrong with that difference if you’re both happy
I think age gaps are all personal preference, personally I think anyone under the age of 25, should not date someone more then 5yrs from them older or younger. However, if you are above that age and they are more then 5 yrs your senior then it all really depends on emotional maturity, common interests and compatibility. My s/o is 9.5 yrs my senior and it feels fine.(weâve been together 8yrs now) Women just happen to âusuallyâ be more mature then men and thatâs why they canât date anyone their own age and look for older to match their maturity lvl. Men go younger solely based on looks. Lol imoâŠif you both happy, and there are no red flags, then who cares?đ€·đ»ââïž
Of course they are ok…jealousy and envy are cruel mistresses.
If your happy ignore the doomsayers!
I (40f) am engaged to my fiancĂ© (27m) so I don’t hate it. I’ve know age gaps that are smaller to fail and ones bigger to be ok. It really depends on the people. I’m a little naive or immature for my age and he’s a little mature for his. We treat each other as equals. If it was something like, I’m his boss at work or had known him since he was a teenager, it would be gross. But that’s also something I or he would never do. We are very similar in a lot of ways and share the same values. That part definitely helps. It really depends on the people in the relationship.
I think itâs fine, since youâre at least almost 30.
i tend to think after 35 (younger party) age gaps cease to matter.
The primary concern about age gaps is probably not a concern in your case, which is the younger partner having little life experience and the older partner taking advantage of that naivete. You have been an adult for over a decade, I would imagine you have dated enough to be able to recognize red flags for abuse/control/manipulation.
However, there may still be a stigma dating someone who is technically old enough to be your father. Your friends might feel awkward hanging out with someone that much older and vice versa with his friends, your parents may not understand why you don’t want to find someone your own age, people in public may side-eye you. So that’s sort of a “do you feel like the relationship is worth the price of admission” situation.
The other thing to consider is that he will be elderly much sooner than you. Do you want kids? If so, bear in mind that not only does male fertility decline with age just like women’s fertility, if you conceive in the next year or so he will be nearly 65 when your child graduates high school, and that’s the absolute youngest end of the spectrum. If you retire at 65 and are ready to enjoy the fruits of your labor, he will be 81. That doesn’t have to be a dealbreaker, but it is something to consider if you’re looking at a long-term relationship.
For me personally a 9-10 year age gap is the absolute limit and already strongly pushing it. Friend of mine is in a 10 y age gap marriage and the age has never been a problem there tho, it’s not even mentioned that often even in our friend group where he’s also 10y+ older than everyone. In the end it depends on the individuals and on personal preference.
I think in this sub age gaps are often really painted to be worse than they are – as adults they don’t always mean as much, and not every age gap relationship is dysfunctional. There are good and bad age gap relationship just as there are good and bad relationship with partners the same age, in the end it’s all preference.
As I said, i wouldn’t be comfortable which such a gap for myself, and you have to be aware that if you plan to grow old with this man he will have problems due to old age long before you, will likely die long before you etc. Outside of this nothing wrong with it – don’t go looking for problems where there are none. You need to have the normal awareness for the behavior of your partner, but him being older doesn’t mean he’s a bad person. You’ll have to grow a thick skin against unsolicited comments about your relationship tho, those will likely come even if these people don’t have any right to snoop in your affairs.
Donât let Reddit randos tell you what your relationship is
I’m not sure what the comments are all about thinking a 30 year old is like an 18 year old with no life experience. Most of the people commenting on your thread are going to be young millennials without much life experience.
Listen. You’re dead in 50 odd years. He’s dead in 30 odd years. You are happy, you love each other, you communicate. You know there are going to be caretaking issues in a couple decades, you’re not going in blind.
Being in a loving, caring and mature relationship that’s stable is already ahead of 90% of the population.
Enjoy your time together and trust your intuition, don’t rely on people outside your relationship tell you what to think.
Nothing wrong with an age gap at all. What others think does not affect you. Stop worrying about what other prior think.
I had teen parents so that age gap would freak me out personally. I’m 27 and my parents are in their 40s lol
I think there is an inherent imbalance of âpowerâ or authority. The younger person might defer on matters where the older person expresses experience just because they are older. It can also be a stage of life problem, where the one person hits that stage (like wanting kids, kids are grown, career ramping up or retirement) and the other is either not there yet or past the stage.
Of course these are generalizations that donât fit every scenario.
I have personally never felt age matters. You like who you like. Youâre attracted to who youâre attracted too. You love who you love. If they treat you right, and youâre happy, then what should it matter.
Even at 24-25 it’s not a bad age gap. Once you are 18 you should know what you are doing, I sure as heck did.
Bottom line you have to ask yourself if you are happy. If you are happy it is fine.
Yes… different if its someone older and grooming someone in there teens…. but your instance different story…. sounds like y’all get along and have common goals so fuck the haters
In my opinion at around 30 youâre not still figuring yourself. That imo is the big problem with age gap relationships. Someone much younger with an older person basically telling them who they are. Youâve had enough relationships to set boundaries and advocate for yourself.
The age gap is perfectly fine.
That’s fine with me.
You should know that I also have this thing about older people dating younger people except if that younger person is around the 30 year old mark. That’s about when people are done “growing up” so there’s no real difference in the two of you except his knee’s and back are going to hurt more often than yours, lol. Good luck!