**Tl;Dr: I tend to avoid talking to people and this is preventing me from overcoming social anxiety. What feasible steps can I take to overcome this?**
Quick intro for those who aren’t familiar with the idea: in social anxiety, there is a well-documented concept known as “safety behaviours”. Socially anxious people tend to avoid situations (known as “avoidance”) that cause them anxiety (for example, skipping a party or a lecture). But often, we will go to the situation, but do things to decrease the anxiety (for example, going to the party but not speaking to anyone, or speaking to specific people, or standing in the corner, or pretending to be someone you’re not). These are safety behaviours. Safety behaviours maintain the anxiety: they reinforce the irrational beliefs and fears by making you think that you only coped with the situation because of your safety behaviours. Also, repeated exposure to the situation tends not to decrease the anxiety (as we would expect) because you’re not fully exposing yourself to your fears.
My main safety behaviours (SF):
* Sitting in the back of the lecture theatre
* Pulling my phone out whenever there is a break in a lecture, or whenever I’m standing/sitting alone
* Not engaging in small talk with the people surrounding me (often even ignoring that they’re there)
As a result (and as you’d expect), I’m entirely friendless and I spend nearly all of my time alone. I’m likely sending signals that I’m aloof and uninterested in socialising. I’m sick of it and I want to make changes through self-led exposure therapy. The fact that I don’t speak to people is an important thing to know if I’m to get helpful advice.
I’m back at uni again tomorrow. All of the cohort will be standing in the same area for 10ish mins while waiting for the session to start. This is what I usually do: walk in alone and place my bag in my locker. At this point my self consciousness is through the roof (“I’m such a loner. I’m the only guy standing alone without friends. People think I’m weird.”). I stand to the side and try my best to look at ease (SF 1). I pull out my phone and pretend to look occupied, because otherwise I’ll really look like a loner (SF 2). I won’t talk to anyone, because after all I don’t know any of these people, despite them being on my course (SF 3). When the session is ready to start, I’ll walk over to my group, but I won’t say “hi” to anyone or make general small talk (SF 4). I’ll keep my head down and pretend to look busy by reading the assigned work (SF 5) and only speak if spoken to.
I could continue with this and list some more SF’s that I engage in, but I think you get the idea. Writing this out has made me realise how self-sabotaging all of this is. Fuck, it hadn’t truly registered until now.
But yeah, does anyone have any ideas how I can go about eliminating these? Keep in mind that I’ve been doing this for about 3-4 years, so I’ve gotten very used to acting like this. Abandoning even one of them will likely cause intense anxiety.
2 comments
Take it easy. I’m hitting my 30s and only now I feel like I’m in a place where I feel in power to kick some leftover anxiety into its ass (at my worst, I was diagnosed with social anxiety back then and had agoraphobia, I did 360 since then). I believe that exposure *alone* is dumb, it only gave me panic attacks in the past, cuz nobody taught me correct coping habits nor what I should do in those situations. I was the freeze type.
I pushed through this my own way – gaining confidence by taking it small and keeping things safe. I’ve read that this is problematic and big exposure is preferred, which is false in my own case. = Do what works for you.
Keep in mind that you will struggle to tackle a situation without having appropriate coping skills. That could be having the right mindset, knowing how to shut your fears (most importantly: including knowing what exactly are you fighting against), knowing how to cope with sensations in your body that arise as a reaction to anxiety etc.
> “I’m such a loner. I’m the only guy standing alone without friends. People think I’m weird.”).
You are probably worried that you’re coming across as weird/alone. Ok, so what if you do? What about if you stop hiding it that you’re alone? I noticed that when I’m openly signaling it, it pulls in some extroverts (cuz why would they disturb someone who looks occupied with their phone, eh? They will interact only if you seem open to it). I am able to relax my body language and thus able to interact with people by observing them and pick up on what their bodies are saying, instead of feeling trapped within myself.
Next, your fears – in my case it was an intense fear of intimacy/vulnerability. I simply wanted to avoid closeness, I didn’t know how to shield myself against it better than simply not interacting at all. It took me forever to put it into words. Yours can be entirely different. Often it helps to “walk into” your fear to be able to describe it, trying to brainstorm it from distance is eh…
Only when you know what your fear is, you can confidently challenge it. If you don’t have to shield yourself, there’s no harm in failing and being (not feeling) awkward and weird, right? What are _you_ protecting yourself against with your safety behaviours?
ETA: So tomorrow, I think a little win would be to not pull out your phone, to get comfortable about what it feels like to be “not shielded”. Get used to the feelings that arise. Take it easy. No pressure.
The other commenters have really good advice. I’d also say try learning relaxation techniques which may help you feel with the feelings of discomfort / anxiety as you do exposures. I like safe place visualisation (see YouTube) and mindfulness (I like the breath work). Practising these regularly at home or where you feel comfortable will help.
Also your uni should have a free counsellor. Might be helpful to get outside guidance as it’s a lot of work to navigate by oneself.